Codependent Crazies

Old 03-19-2007, 03:21 PM
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Codependent Crazies

Why, why, why do I find myself spiraling completely out of control and turning into a mushy ball of codependent insanity?
Embracing obsessive behaviors that completely strip me of my dignity.

I TRIED to repeat the mantra of focusing on myself, but it often feels so meaningless - like I'm so unworthy and downright unable to focus on myself.
I WANT a healthy relationship more than ANYTHING in this world.
I know I need to work on myself, but it feels so UNCOMFORTABLE and HARD.
Anyone know any ways to ease this discomfort and move forward?
Why must I interpret every little thing as a red flag that I am

There is little trust in my relationship at the moment for obvious reasons. Yesterday my bf came home from rehab (after 4 days) - he had been unemployed for over a month and needed to return to work on Monday. He is signed up to attend an Intensive Outpatient three days a week for three hours.

I lose faith in myself. I lose my self-respect when one moment I am strong and feeling okay about myself and having a future focus for a healthy relationship. That we both need to work on our own recoveries. Then the next minute I am crumbling and my entire worth, happiness and sanity feels contingent on his attention. Why do I need CONSTANT reassurance of this love?

Since our amazing, extremely close relationship for over eight months went to shambles when he started using again- I seem to be interpreting every red flag as more than it actually is. I am trying not to fault myself for that, but all the old awful thoughts come back.
He says he loves me, but I do not FEEL it. I want to heal so that I can feel love, because I love myself.
Why is this so hard?
Why do I feel so unworthy of loving myself or even believing I have something good within?
I know I've had a bad day to begin with: Looonggg day. Worked 9-5 (Boss was putting a tremendous amount of pressure on me and being semi-patronizing) then had class in which the midterm that I thought I did amazing on did not turn out as expected -- now I have to haul my behind in the rain to the subway station 7 blocks away so I can meet my group to work on our project at 9:00PM. Plus everything with my bf... I guess i am feeling sorry for myself.

Last edited by HKAngel24; 03-19-2007 at 03:45 PM.
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Old 03-19-2007, 03:36 PM
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I know I need to work on myself, but it feels so UNCOMFORTABLE and HARD. Anyone know any ways to ease this discomfort and move forward?
Why must I interpret every little thing as a red flag that I am
There is no easier softer way.... this is your disease hon. Now do you understand why it is so hard for them to just stop their disease?

Just Breath .... go to a meeting hon and keep trying, it will come in time.
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Old 03-19-2007, 03:42 PM
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I'm a code too. What a strange bunch we are - I'm just finally admitting it and admitting that my daughter is and addict. Good Luck.
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Old 03-19-2007, 05:03 PM
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I know I need to work on myself, but it feels so UNCOMFORTABLE and HARD.
Why do I need CONSTANT reassurance of this love?

1. First, it's hard and uncomfortable because we're not used to being different! We get comfortable in the place we've been in all our lives. But, as you know, the more you continue doing the same thing over and over, and expect different results is, well insanity, and that's what you want to get away from, the insanity. Don't stop working. Where were you before you started working on yourself?

2. A really good dose of self esteem can cure a lot of our problems. Remind yourself of what you are, and how much value you have. Our identities need not be tied to another person. We can hold up all by ourselves.

Im sorry you have to go through this, and I hope you feel better soon.
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Old 03-19-2007, 06:27 PM
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I had to really really focus on step one...acceptance.
Once I started really accepting that my son was an addict, I had to admit to myself what that meant.
One thing it means is that recovery...for me and/or my son was a process, not an event, and that I had as long a road as he to travel (patience is not my best trait)

And when accepting his addiction became too hard, I prayed hard, for guidance and peace and for someone to watch over him.

It was only after the last, I think , that I even allowed myself to look at me, and to work on myself.

And when those thoughts would creep up on me (they still do...especially the suspicions) I go right back to where I started...step one.

It works for me

Wishing you better days
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Old 03-19-2007, 07:32 PM
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just want to show my support and send you few hugs and a special prayer. i pray that things will work out for you the way that god planed it to.
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Old 03-20-2007, 09:34 AM
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i agree with cece...once i really started delving into step one and acceptance, my codependent crazy times have slowly become fewer and farther between, and they don't last nearly as long... we aren't used to focusing on feels wrong and selfish. but we've neglected ourselves for so very long, it's not selfish to send some of that love our own way.

my therapist asked me recently, "what would you tell a friend who was going through what you're going through?" ohhhh, i had no problem coming up with reassuring statements, figuring out ways that she could and should be taking care of herself, and things that she should be telling herself instead of the negatives........but i couldn't come up with one of those things for myself. her point, of course, is that i don't deserve any less than what i would do or say for those i care about, and yet i beat myself up instead. slowly i'm getting better at treating myself as my own best takes practice, but it does help so very much...and i have more to give those that i love, now....

just my two cents....
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