New and in need of advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 19
New and in need of advice
I desperately need reassurance that I am doing the right thing for myself by not contacting my boyfriend of 6 years. He is, in my eyes addicted to cocaine and is a self confessed alcoholic who said the last time I spoke to him on the phone that he no longer enjoyed speaking to me and to not call him for a while. We are also in a long distance relationship. He still lives at home and is 33 years of age. I have tried reaching out to his parents and I believe they are in deep denial. His friends are convinced there is something wrong as we have all seen him change drastically in the last year. I simply cannot put myself through more hurt and disappointment as much as I miss him and love him...someone please tell me I am doing the right thing for myself and for him?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: somewhere in MA
Posts: 54
"Someone please tell me I am doing the right thing for myself and for him?"
"I simply cannot put myself through more hurt and disappointment as much as I miss him and love him..."
You just told yourself^^ (and quite well, I might add! ).
You have come to the right place, and I will tell you that YES, you are doing the *right* thing. What are your alternitives really? More
"hurt and disappointment"?
Showing him that you respect yourself, and are unwilling to tolerate cruelty/disrespect, or abuse, is INDEED the best thing for you both.
Take care,
JSM
"I simply cannot put myself through more hurt and disappointment as much as I miss him and love him..."
You just told yourself^^ (and quite well, I might add! ).
You have come to the right place, and I will tell you that YES, you are doing the *right* thing. What are your alternitives really? More
"hurt and disappointment"?
Showing him that you respect yourself, and are unwilling to tolerate cruelty/disrespect, or abuse, is INDEED the best thing for you both.
Take care,
JSM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Cape Town - South Africa
Posts: 36
I am very sorry for what you are going through!
And yes: you are definitly doing the right thing by not calling. He asked you not to call, dont call, if he changes his mind and calls you, your gonna have to make a choice.
And yes: you are definitly doing the right thing by not calling. He asked you not to call, dont call, if he changes his mind and calls you, your gonna have to make a choice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on the Ocean Blue
Posts: 272
Welcome greatgirl32 - you have come to the right place for support - read here all you can these people have been through so much more than me and can help you. I'm a Mom of an addicted daughter 40 yrs old. It is heartbreaking to love an addicted person. I'm just new to SR too and finding so much help just knowing I can come here anytime. Sending (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
greatgirl,
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend.
Addiction is just so hard to understand sometimes. The biggest thing you need to remember is that you cannot...absolutely, positively cannot...'save' him from himself. This is HIS battle to fight...
SR is a great place to learn about addiction...
Read around...make yourself at home...
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend.
Addiction is just so hard to understand sometimes. The biggest thing you need to remember is that you cannot...absolutely, positively cannot...'save' him from himself. This is HIS battle to fight...
SR is a great place to learn about addiction...
Read around...make yourself at home...
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to rs, greatgirl,
the addict in my life is my husband of 21 yrs, been living around his addiction just as long, glad to meet you. you have come to the right place, and i do agree with the others, you are doing the right thing. living with addiction is a very hard life to live, glad to here that you have decided not to try to live your life out that way. its best for the both of you that you stick to whatever decisions that you've made for yourself.
like someone above already said, he'll probably call you eventually, so prepare yourself by do all you can to make life for you as easy as you can. focus on you and what you can do for yourself and allow him to do the same. you can't change him or his decisions, he has to do that for himself. keeping you and yours in my prayers
the addict in my life is my husband of 21 yrs, been living around his addiction just as long, glad to meet you. you have come to the right place, and i do agree with the others, you are doing the right thing. living with addiction is a very hard life to live, glad to here that you have decided not to try to live your life out that way. its best for the both of you that you stick to whatever decisions that you've made for yourself.
like someone above already said, he'll probably call you eventually, so prepare yourself by do all you can to make life for you as easy as you can. focus on you and what you can do for yourself and allow him to do the same. you can't change him or his decisions, he has to do that for himself. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 19
Thanks for everyone's replies, it does help to know I am not the only one in similar situations...I hate feeling this way! My bf used to tell me I was being overly paranoid and time and time again I would find more evidence of the continued drug use which he has told everyone was occasional. He also claimed alcohol was his addiction and he honestly believed he couls stop the need to drink by using drugs...
I know what I have said sounds right and like I know what I'm doing by not contacting him..but I struggle with wondering if it's the right thing.
I keep thinking if he loved me how could he do this to our relationship and throw 6 years away...how do I just move on so easily like my family and friends expect me to ?
I know what I have said sounds right and like I know what I'm doing by not contacting him..but I struggle with wondering if it's the right thing.
I keep thinking if he loved me how could he do this to our relationship and throw 6 years away...how do I just move on so easily like my family and friends expect me to ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 19
You are so right! People keep telling me to "go out, you're beautiful and young and smart, you can find someone better", but at this moment it feels like I would be cheating on him. Plus, I don't care to meet anyone else right now.
I will look up that book, I have invested in so much self help reading i could probably open my own bookstore.
I will look up that book, I have invested in so much self help reading i could probably open my own bookstore.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I am so sorry about what you are going through - I truly feel for you. I am new to this so I do not think I have a strong enough background for advice, but I think that anything that is putting your best interest first in the right thing to do. You deserve to be loved in an uncompromising way.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Oh honey, I tried the reaching out to the parent thing and got the same response! Not my boy, he's a good guy.
Why don't you go to an alanon meeting? Believe me, you will feel a million percent better after.
What do you want for your own life?
You can't make him quit drinking or drugging but you can make yourself not get crazy over it.
I know it hurts. Here's wishing you peace through it all.
Why don't you go to an alanon meeting? Believe me, you will feel a million percent better after.
What do you want for your own life?
You can't make him quit drinking or drugging but you can make yourself not get crazy over it.
I know it hurts. Here's wishing you peace through it all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 19
I want to feel happy again and content with the person I am with. Happy and sure within myself would be nice too.
re the parents, they knew something was wrong about 2 months ago as they confided in me and after they all had a chat together, he convinced his parents he was ok and then all of a sudden, it was all about me not trusting him...what a joke...just wondering if he will ever try to contact me again or if it would be easier for him to forget about me and ignore the past 6 years...don't think I could deal with him right now though..time will tell.
re the parents, they knew something was wrong about 2 months ago as they confided in me and after they all had a chat together, he convinced his parents he was ok and then all of a sudden, it was all about me not trusting him...what a joke...just wondering if he will ever try to contact me again or if it would be easier for him to forget about me and ignore the past 6 years...don't think I could deal with him right now though..time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Greatgirl32, sorry you are feeling such hurt, but welcome here. Trust the advice given by others, and by me also: You ARE doing the right thing by not contacting him now. Work on yourself, join a group, get counseling if you can. An addict will only hurt and disappoint you. He may contact you again, but make sure you have workable boundaries in place. Think and chose your actions carefully.
((HUGS))))
((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Since he is an addict and his parents are enabling him, why would he want to have contact with someone who does not buy his BS. That is how an addict thinks. If you went along with his lies and did not "hassle" him about using, you would probably still be in his life. But that is not what you want. You want a healthy relationship based on love and trust. That is not possible with an active addict. I would respect his wishes and not contact him. Take this time to figure out what you want, be kind to yourself and take care of you. I know it hurts right now and is kind of confusing, but taking baby steps to take care of you and giving yourself the time to grieve and move on will help. Loving an addict is hard work. I know because my daughter is my addict and as much as it hurts, I have had to let her go. Let her find her own way. Pray and give him to his HP. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 25
Welcome to SR,
You will find strength and comfort here. Many people have much in common with you. My Addicted Boyfriend hid his pot use and minimized his alcohol use for several years. He used cocaine in the past. I just found out a month ago. He always denied he was an addict.
The stickies are helpful. Anything by Melody Beattie is helpful. Also Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. The title is misleading. It is a book to assist the loved ones of the alcoholic/addict. It does not foster codependency.I hope this is helpful for you.
Promise
You will find strength and comfort here. Many people have much in common with you. My Addicted Boyfriend hid his pot use and minimized his alcohol use for several years. He used cocaine in the past. I just found out a month ago. He always denied he was an addict.
The stickies are helpful. Anything by Melody Beattie is helpful. Also Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. The title is misleading. It is a book to assist the loved ones of the alcoholic/addict. It does not foster codependency.I hope this is helpful for you.
Promise
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: BFE
Posts: 116
Greatgirl...
Awesome name. Sure you are!
Sometimes it's just really simple and we're trying to complicate things. I figure, if he's asked you not to call... then don't. Respect his wishes, and try to look at it as your own higher power (for me that's God, for you it can be whatever you need and want it to be) taking care of you. He knows you don't need to talk to your BF right now... that you need some time away. Follow these simple directives... it took me so long to get that.
I can't tell you whether or not you are doing the right thing - but it sure does look like the right thing based on the info you've provided. It took me two and a half years to finally realize what my ex-ABF was... and what he was not. I wish I could have cut that time a little shorter... but everything happens as it should, when it should... how it should. It's much more precise than we could possibly understand, I believe... a weird, ridiculously perfect patchwork that we could never see because we're just at one little spot, instead of looking at the whole pattern.
Anyway, hope you're doing well.
Awesome name. Sure you are!
Sometimes it's just really simple and we're trying to complicate things. I figure, if he's asked you not to call... then don't. Respect his wishes, and try to look at it as your own higher power (for me that's God, for you it can be whatever you need and want it to be) taking care of you. He knows you don't need to talk to your BF right now... that you need some time away. Follow these simple directives... it took me so long to get that.
I can't tell you whether or not you are doing the right thing - but it sure does look like the right thing based on the info you've provided. It took me two and a half years to finally realize what my ex-ABF was... and what he was not. I wish I could have cut that time a little shorter... but everything happens as it should, when it should... how it should. It's much more precise than we could possibly understand, I believe... a weird, ridiculously perfect patchwork that we could never see because we're just at one little spot, instead of looking at the whole pattern.
Anyway, hope you're doing well.
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