Hurt Being Perceived as Hate
Hurt Being Perceived as Hate
Yesterday was a grim day. My AH in his foggy state-of-mind told me he doesn't understand why I would want to put off the divorce when "I've talked to him so ugly..." He is still maintaining THAT is the reason why we're getting divorced. As he pops more pills and sinks deeper into denial.
I am probably rambling, but while we were actually living in the same house, I had hit my rockbottom. Therefore, we're living separately now. So then I start having hope that he will realize how sad this is and get sober. Wrong. It's an easier way to continue doing what he does without me "bugging" him about it.
With the new hope I had, comes the potential for things getting better, or once again HITTING MY ROCKBOTTOM. Yesterday was the rockbottom for me. This time, there's nowhere to go. We are apart. What else is there? He made me so angry yesterday with ALWAYS talking about his feelings and how hurt he is, blah, blah, blah. I told him newsflash...it's not always about you! I said I dedicated the last 4 years to you to get what...A DIVORCE! I said you are so selfish and I'm so sick of everytime you open your mouth a lie pops out! His reply (standard reply) I would NEVER talk to you that way. AHHHHH! That kills me! Why would he ever???? I literally was about to go over the edge with my codie ways and when he was in and got out of rehab, he acknowleged that I literally saved his life on numerous occasions. I told him I didn't care about the flattery, I just wanted results of sobriety and dedication to the program.
Now here I am. I know I appear to him to be unbalanced, but the girl I work with has heard me on my soapbox and still throughout the entire mania, she says you're the one who is normal. He's living in a fantasy world. I guess that makes me feel better, but I still feel like a raving looney tune. I heard through the grapevine that he is "seeing" (having s@x) with someone. This kills me. I know whoever this person is, they have bought into his pathetic story. I also know this is where he gets his strength (is that an oxymoron for an addict?) to be able to keep me at arms length with the idea that if this person gets tired of him, then he can come sobbing back to me. The sad reality is he just doesn't get that I won't take him back in the shape he's in now. I demand several months of sobriety, but I doubt that will happen.
Thanks for listening to me. I feel angry, sad and happy all at the same time.
I am probably rambling, but while we were actually living in the same house, I had hit my rockbottom. Therefore, we're living separately now. So then I start having hope that he will realize how sad this is and get sober. Wrong. It's an easier way to continue doing what he does without me "bugging" him about it.
With the new hope I had, comes the potential for things getting better, or once again HITTING MY ROCKBOTTOM. Yesterday was the rockbottom for me. This time, there's nowhere to go. We are apart. What else is there? He made me so angry yesterday with ALWAYS talking about his feelings and how hurt he is, blah, blah, blah. I told him newsflash...it's not always about you! I said I dedicated the last 4 years to you to get what...A DIVORCE! I said you are so selfish and I'm so sick of everytime you open your mouth a lie pops out! His reply (standard reply) I would NEVER talk to you that way. AHHHHH! That kills me! Why would he ever???? I literally was about to go over the edge with my codie ways and when he was in and got out of rehab, he acknowleged that I literally saved his life on numerous occasions. I told him I didn't care about the flattery, I just wanted results of sobriety and dedication to the program.
Now here I am. I know I appear to him to be unbalanced, but the girl I work with has heard me on my soapbox and still throughout the entire mania, she says you're the one who is normal. He's living in a fantasy world. I guess that makes me feel better, but I still feel like a raving looney tune. I heard through the grapevine that he is "seeing" (having s@x) with someone. This kills me. I know whoever this person is, they have bought into his pathetic story. I also know this is where he gets his strength (is that an oxymoron for an addict?) to be able to keep me at arms length with the idea that if this person gets tired of him, then he can come sobbing back to me. The sad reality is he just doesn't get that I won't take him back in the shape he's in now. I demand several months of sobriety, but I doubt that will happen.
Thanks for listening to me. I feel angry, sad and happy all at the same time.
I'm so sorry for a ll the pain you are feeling. Sadly, as long as he is still using and not working some sort of recovery program, all those addictive behaviors are going to be evident...the lies, the stealing, the manipulation...the denial. I think the biggest form of denial I see is trying to blame everyone else for the need to use.
I am glad you are out of the house an dthe front row seat. Take the time you need to figure out what is next. I found it helped me to remember that talking with an active addict was worse than talking to myself since nothing productive ever came out of it. I had to save conversation for when I knew she wasn't high, and even that conversation was limited to things of little substance. Once I changed my behavior and worked at not letting myself get sucked back into trying to explain myself and "the truth" to my daughter, she started realizing she had to save manipulation for other people and at least we could intereact in a calmer way.
I think your husband recognizes that he can't manipulate you the way he did before and now needs someone else to enable him. It's so hard to see, but try to keep focusing on you. You can't change what he is doing, but you can work on your reaction to it. Lots of hugs...what are you doing to be nice to yourself this weekend?
I am glad you are out of the house an dthe front row seat. Take the time you need to figure out what is next. I found it helped me to remember that talking with an active addict was worse than talking to myself since nothing productive ever came out of it. I had to save conversation for when I knew she wasn't high, and even that conversation was limited to things of little substance. Once I changed my behavior and worked at not letting myself get sucked back into trying to explain myself and "the truth" to my daughter, she started realizing she had to save manipulation for other people and at least we could intereact in a calmer way.
I think your husband recognizes that he can't manipulate you the way he did before and now needs someone else to enable him. It's so hard to see, but try to keep focusing on you. You can't change what he is doing, but you can work on your reaction to it. Lots of hugs...what are you doing to be nice to yourself this weekend?
(((((faithhopelovejr))))
I have been where you are and ended up buying the sob story and taking him back. I will never know what would have happened if I had gooten out of my mind and let myself process my stuff. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to move thru this process...
I have been where you are and ended up buying the sob story and taking him back. I will never know what would have happened if I had gooten out of my mind and let myself process my stuff. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to move thru this process...
"Hurt Being Perceived as Hate"
I read this and it could have been ME with XABF. Such typical CRAP out of their mouths.. and then they think is OK to cheat. Heck.. he was "shocked" when he said he was moving out and I said, "the door here doesn't swing both ways.. don't let it hit you on the way out." He was shocked.. he just wanted his 'space' (to be free to screw the latest greatest druggie sl*t) and he thought I would let him come back.
I think back to his reaction to my statement on the direction of the door swing and I have to laugh a bit. He really did not know who he was dealing with.. and it wasn't someone so mad about him she would let him do his same old dance.
Of course, it is all my fault. Last time he said something like this I said, "Yes. it is all my fault and I could not be more proud!" Ended that conversation.
Haven't heard from him since March 3. Know he is still around but not bothering me anymore.
I read this and it could have been ME with XABF. Such typical CRAP out of their mouths.. and then they think is OK to cheat. Heck.. he was "shocked" when he said he was moving out and I said, "the door here doesn't swing both ways.. don't let it hit you on the way out." He was shocked.. he just wanted his 'space' (to be free to screw the latest greatest druggie sl*t) and he thought I would let him come back.
I think back to his reaction to my statement on the direction of the door swing and I have to laugh a bit. He really did not know who he was dealing with.. and it wasn't someone so mad about him she would let him do his same old dance.
Of course, it is all my fault. Last time he said something like this I said, "Yes. it is all my fault and I could not be more proud!" Ended that conversation.
Haven't heard from him since March 3. Know he is still around but not bothering me anymore.
faithhopelovejr: Hope you find out what is best for YOU. YOU ARE WORTHY!
Try to write down some "blessings" you have today and do one nice thing just for you. SENDING LOVE AND (((( HUGS))))) >>>>>>>>>
Try to write down some "blessings" you have today and do one nice thing just for you. SENDING LOVE AND (((( HUGS))))) >>>>>>>>>
good for you faith, youre going shopping, i know its hard, but he's doing what addicts do. you made it hard for him to do his drugs, so naturally he being an addict,probably will try to find another enabler. its probably all about drugs, just like you said, if thats the case, his loss though, don't you think. i agree with your girlfriend, he's living in a fantasy world, literally as long as his is active. hopefully he'll wake up one day and realize the mess he's made out of his life, in the meantime, good to see you moving right along. keeping you in my prayers
I did some MAJOR damage at the mall, but IT FEELS GOOD! I got some boiled crawfish and apples and carmel for lunch. I'm going to tan in a little while. I must keep up the appearance on the outside, even though I look like Medusa on the inside!
I have been where you are with my exah. The first time I got him out of our home my main reason for it at that point was I thought that he would straighten out...the scare him straight tacktic. I just did not get that no matter what I did I was not going to change him and I wasn't acually getting him out for my ownself I was trying to save him. Then brought him back thinking he would be so happy to be home he would stop. He was doing nothing but use and find more ways and excuses to use.
He was doing nothing to even try to come clean, maybe a meeting here and there, woopy! I was and had lost myself, this was going to be my life until he got serious and that was not happening.
I soon came to the point that I realized that my life was up to me and at this point he is not going to be part of it. Like you I knew he was going to have good strong recovery time in before he was going to part of my life again and I had to do what I had to do for me without depending on him.
Rose
He was doing nothing to even try to come clean, maybe a meeting here and there, woopy! I was and had lost myself, this was going to be my life until he got serious and that was not happening.
I soon came to the point that I realized that my life was up to me and at this point he is not going to be part of it. Like you I knew he was going to have good strong recovery time in before he was going to part of my life again and I had to do what I had to do for me without depending on him.
Rose
Now that I'm able to reflect, although usually each week brings some kind of reminder that he's still the same AH, I can see that early on during his addiction, the money was just there. I never even noticed a depletion in the finances. And also, the lying that has been severe since he got out of rehab just wasn't there before rehab either. I never quite understood what "progressive disease" meant, but now I see that these particular things have been added to the list of "What addicts do." Thank you all for your concerns and comments. Tomorrow will be a new day! It is truly a gift!
Update....Manipulation on his end is kicking in. He text messaged me this morn and ask how my dr. apt. went (2 weeks ago), which was nothing more than a yearly apt. I guess he's trying to figure out how to keep his foot in the door. I never replied. So I get another text with something to the effect of I never expected you not to answer so basically you have told me f-you. I STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED! Aren't you recovering codies proud of me??
I am proud of you. DOnt answer the text. Know his verbal ramblings are just part of who he is. When they feel like theyve completely lost hope the run back with a sweet side, sometimes it is too late
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Beaverton, OR
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I know it's hard to stay strong, I'm going through a very similar situation. How can it be possible to still love someone who has caused so much hurt to our family, and the part about having s** with someone else now, yep! People say it has nothing to do with me/you -but how can you not feel unloved and unappreciated? I love your shopping therapy idea!
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