The codie in me is ratonalizing
 

My 21 yr old RAD had 7 months clean, relapsed and is just under 30 days clean agaon. She is fianally starting a new job on monday. I agreed to help her get a pair of black pants & non slip shoes that are required. Well she has her checking account so screwed up. Last weekend I got a collection call earky sat morning for her. I gave them her cell #. She has her own appartment. It looks as thought her $$ has finally run out. Bright & early 8:45 am this morning I got another one. She thinks her rent is paid untill the end of april. But if her acct is screwed up who knows. I know last sat she ran down to the bank & deposited $650. She thought she was covered.
The codie in me so wants to help her straighten this mess out. So she can start working mon & hopfully have a fresh start. While I was in the shower this morning my mind was going around & around on why it would be ok to help. I know hands off the addict. I can hear my counslers voice telling me to let her fall, it could save her life. Why can't I feel ok with that? Why am I still trying to justify a reason to help her?
I was going to take the family to the movies tonight. As the kids call it a "cinematic adventure" ... Dane Cook. But it was important to me to get hubby, my daughter who is home from college untill tomorrow, my RAd & 2 of her friends out for a family thing. We would like to see Wild Hogs. I am so afraid i will do something stupid to help her. Please give me strenght today.

When my daughter was not using last spring, she started a waitress job that required khaki pants and black shoes. I bought the pants and the top of the line shoes (cost $130). Her boss then told her she could not wear either the pants because they had a back pocket or the shoes because they did not tie. So then I bought more pants and more shoes. She lasted at the job for 6 weeks. I now wear the pants. Petey (Chihuahua) decided to destroy the shoes. Lesson learned. No more bailouts whether the daughter is clean or not because things change so much from day to day and I am through throwing bad money after good. If you do help with pants and shoes buy the cheap ones or get ones that you can wear if the job does not pan out. That way you are not out too much. Other than that I would let her straighten out the bank thing herself. If she does not have enough for rent then it is up to her to speak to her landlord and work something out. I know in my state landlords have to go through a process to evict and if the tenant comes up with the money they have to let them stay. Hugs, Marle

P.S. My parents never helped me. They were not able to do it financially and I learned to do without. I am okay today and I am sure that your daughter will learn. A lot of kids, not just addicts, are too dependent on their parents for help because we have given in the past and can afford to give now. The sense of "entitlement" and the guilt that we feel because we want them to have the best just keeps us in that vicious cycle of trying to make their lives perfect. Struggle does have a purpose. It makes us strong and independent and gives us a sense of self-worth. Marle

Just sending hugs! Sometimes it's hard not to help, especially when the solution seems sooo easy to us. But, I try to remember that the solution comes easy to me because I had to learn it the hard way.

Stay strong!!!! Sending out some prayers!

OK now I just hung up the phone with an automated call from her car insurence company. WTF??? I feel myself starting to get pissed.

I get one or two collection calls a day for my as cell phone bills. I tell them he doesn't live here anymore, but it doesn't matter.

Louise

Sweetie, Feeling pissed may help you through this. It does sound like she may have mortgaged her future a bit to support the relpase before. I agree with Marle, cheap pants and shoes if you are helping with that, but hands off, let her fall if she has to because it could save her life. She's got the tools and she has her NA support and your love and her HP...That's all she needs. You've got the tools too...Shinging recovery to come here and say please hlp me before "I" relapse...you're awesome!

Do you have caller id? I found when my oldest seemed to have put our phone number instead of her's on credit card apps and she couldn't pay her bills, that not picking up the phone helped me not to bail her out. I too paid so many of her bills in the past because I thought I was being helpful. You know what it did? It increased her credit limit and she went on another spending spree to feel good about herself. If I left things alone, she probably would have grown independent years earlier. Oh well, we do the best we can until we know better. Hugs...have a good day with family.

I know that when I got calls from my AD's creditors I got really p*ssed and ended up calling her abf's cell and telling them both to get their sh*t together and pay their bills. (Only I did not say it that nicely:)) I just felt bad afterwards. Now when I get a call, I give them the abf's number and tell them her situation. Let them deal with it. One other thing to consider if you are considering helping your daughter out is that my helping got my daughter a credit rating of 726 and the offer of a bank loan and two credit cards. She is now in debt to the tune of $3,000 and has no way of paying it back. Her credit score is now 610 and going down quickly. This actually gives me some peace of mind since I know she used the money for drugs. Hugs, Marle

I like Marle, had to take care of myself. I left home at 17, got a job, went to college at night for 6 long years. Yes, I had struggles, once I was down to my last dollar, a silver one, I needed gas to get to work, so I went to my local gas station and asked the manager to hold the silver dollar until payday, and I would return and get my silver dollar back.

So, off to work I went, got in, and my manager called me, I thought, dear god, I was going to be fired...no, they were promoting me for a job well done.

I went back to the gas station after work on Friday, I gave him a dollar, he had saved my silver dollar and returned it to me. He said "I knew you'd be back".

That moment in life propelled me into a great career, I took care of me, never returned home.

No, I was not an addict, that is not the point, the point is: It is a right of passage to mature, resolve your own issues and be responsible for your own actions. If this passage is withheld by an enabling, controlling parent or spouse, the receiptant never has a chance to come into their own. To mature and grow.

RAD called me after I left a not so happy message on her voice mail. She said i a very calm voice , mom...mom...I have it under controll. I spent the morning on the phone trying to fix this mess. I went to the bank & got money orders to pay my car insurence & another bill, and I am probably going to close my account when it is straighted out so I can't get in trouble like this again." She was mature about the whole thing. So what do ya know...I think she is learning. Thanks for your replies.

just want to chime in and say that i agree with marle and dolly, i had to learn to take care of myself, and so did my 5 younger siblings, do the same thing with my kids. i believe in letting them learn while they are still young, so i won't still have to do it for them when they get older. glad that she found her own way, now that you know that she can do it, maybe things will get a little easier for you.