Just called... obsessing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Just called... obsessing
I feel like I am posting too much, but needed to get this out.
My bf just called me from rehab. He is getting discharged on Sunday despite only being there since Thursday. He told me that his plan was to continue with intensive outpatient since he has been unemployed for a month and is scheduled to go back to work on Monday.
Why am I obsessing about the phone call? It's as if I needed some verbal confirmation fom him that everything would be okay. Why am I so concerned about him not loving me ? All I can think of is that these past months when he's been using he's made me feel unloved and unappreciated and maybe I fear it happening again despite being in the rehab? Maybe I am afraid that he will have decided that he does not need me/love me anymore?
I do not even know where these fears come from. I just feel like I have no trust in our relationship or his feelings (largely my issues, too).
Our conversation just left me feel horrible and I cannot pinpoint why.
He asked me if I could pick him up on Sunday or if he should ask someone else. My mind immediately jumped to thinking that he didn't want ME to come and would rather have someone else, despite the fact that he did not say that. Why must I always jump to the negative?
Sorry I know this is an incredible whirlwind of thoughts and freaking out.
Just trying to gain some perspective and rationalization at the moment.
My bf just called me from rehab. He is getting discharged on Sunday despite only being there since Thursday. He told me that his plan was to continue with intensive outpatient since he has been unemployed for a month and is scheduled to go back to work on Monday.
Why am I obsessing about the phone call? It's as if I needed some verbal confirmation fom him that everything would be okay. Why am I so concerned about him not loving me ? All I can think of is that these past months when he's been using he's made me feel unloved and unappreciated and maybe I fear it happening again despite being in the rehab? Maybe I am afraid that he will have decided that he does not need me/love me anymore?
I do not even know where these fears come from. I just feel like I have no trust in our relationship or his feelings (largely my issues, too).
Our conversation just left me feel horrible and I cannot pinpoint why.
He asked me if I could pick him up on Sunday or if he should ask someone else. My mind immediately jumped to thinking that he didn't want ME to come and would rather have someone else, despite the fact that he did not say that. Why must I always jump to the negative?
Sorry I know this is an incredible whirlwind of thoughts and freaking out.
Just trying to gain some perspective and rationalization at the moment.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by HKAngel24
My mind immediately jumped to thinking
Have been using breath work to help me stop reacting by just focusing on my own controled breathing I can get in touch with how I am really feeling the more I allow myself to feel the less I react or have to think about him. It has also help me to understand my H more cause I know he does the same thing about his drug of choice that I do about him. I can actually control my own behaviors and thoughts. I have found that I cannot control how I feel. I can repress how I feel but repressing does not make them go away. I personally do not want my feelings to come out in ways that will cause me more pain so I am choosing to allow myself to feel them with out verbally expressing them to anyone but, myself. I am also learning that another insane thing I have done is blame my H for my thoughts and feelings which means that I am not taking responsibility for my own self....
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
first let me say that you can never post too much here. post as much as you want or just need to. ask all the questions that you want too. we are all here for each other.
now that thats said, i'll bet that you have done all you know how to do and then some to help your husband so that he can stop using, huh? well its not your fault that he's using. he may try to blame you for everything under the sun, but the truth is thats what addicts do. if they blame someone else for their troubles then they won't have to face their own faults and guilt. you have do nothing wrong. its not about you or what you do/don't do, its just common with addiction.
most of us here at some time or another have felt the way you are right now, i know i have. when i first came here i was literally going insane. i thought that it had to be something that i was doing wrong that caused my h to turn to drugs, thought that he didn't love me anymore, also thought that he had to be cheating or something. i had no self esteem, i thought that i was the most unlovable person around. boy did i hate me, and i thought that my ah did too. NO NO NO, ITS, NOT YOUR FAULT.
maybe its time now for you to completely take the focus off your husband and began to learn to like you. learn to take good care of yourself, you are worth so much more than you have been given by addiction, and so much more than you seem to give yourself credit for. i'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. time for you to learn how to love you,l get to know you again. i got totally lost in my husbands addiction until i didn't even know me any more, and this was not too long ago. you can get better and live a better live, but its gonna take a little work on your part and a little time. i think that it just maybe your insecurities telling you that he don't love you, but maybe, you are thinking too much about him and not enough about you. you can pm me if you want, i'm kind of sure all of this might be kind of confusing to you, just hang in there, it just takes time.
have you read the stickies at the top of the forum, yet? have you found any alanon or naranon meeting to attend yet? keep reading and posting , and one day at a time, you will feel better.
there is nothing more you can do the help your husband it time for him to do what he needs to do for himself, and remember that this whole thing has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. not your fault.
now that thats said, i'll bet that you have done all you know how to do and then some to help your husband so that he can stop using, huh? well its not your fault that he's using. he may try to blame you for everything under the sun, but the truth is thats what addicts do. if they blame someone else for their troubles then they won't have to face their own faults and guilt. you have do nothing wrong. its not about you or what you do/don't do, its just common with addiction.
most of us here at some time or another have felt the way you are right now, i know i have. when i first came here i was literally going insane. i thought that it had to be something that i was doing wrong that caused my h to turn to drugs, thought that he didn't love me anymore, also thought that he had to be cheating or something. i had no self esteem, i thought that i was the most unlovable person around. boy did i hate me, and i thought that my ah did too. NO NO NO, ITS, NOT YOUR FAULT.
maybe its time now for you to completely take the focus off your husband and began to learn to like you. learn to take good care of yourself, you are worth so much more than you have been given by addiction, and so much more than you seem to give yourself credit for. i'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. time for you to learn how to love you,l get to know you again. i got totally lost in my husbands addiction until i didn't even know me any more, and this was not too long ago. you can get better and live a better live, but its gonna take a little work on your part and a little time. i think that it just maybe your insecurities telling you that he don't love you, but maybe, you are thinking too much about him and not enough about you. you can pm me if you want, i'm kind of sure all of this might be kind of confusing to you, just hang in there, it just takes time.
have you read the stickies at the top of the forum, yet? have you found any alanon or naranon meeting to attend yet? keep reading and posting , and one day at a time, you will feel better.
there is nothing more you can do the help your husband it time for him to do what he needs to do for himself, and remember that this whole thing has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. not your fault.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
just try to relax. it's going to take time. right now, he really needs to focus on his recovery, and you need to focus on yours. the other stuff will start to fall in place or at least make more sense with more recovery under your belts.
don't put expectations on him or be too hard on yourself at this time. find an alanon meeting for tonight or tomorrow?
blessings, k
don't put expectations on him or be too hard on yourself at this time. find an alanon meeting for tonight or tomorrow?
blessings, k
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Angel))))
Can't think of any other way to say this...you are sounding a bit insecure.
Maybe you need to work on you, and just let him, work on him. Have you been attending any meetings? Meetings are great, because you can put your time, and energy into them, and develop new ways of thinking.
Hand all your worry over to your H.P. and everything will work out just the way it's suppose to.
Hugs,
Can't think of any other way to say this...you are sounding a bit insecure.
Maybe you need to work on you, and just let him, work on him. Have you been attending any meetings? Meetings are great, because you can put your time, and energy into them, and develop new ways of thinking.
Hand all your worry over to your H.P. and everything will work out just the way it's suppose to.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
HKAngel24!
first of all take a deep breath!! youre a loving person,, a good person and everything u say and feel is s o much like any of us here somtimes.i know how u feel i have been ther manytimes, . its so good to havethis place,, here u can write as much as u want,, becouse thisplace is for this!!
i hope your bf will get better,,and it will work out the way u want it..i hope he will recover....!!
did u find any meetings for u,?,, we family of addictsneed lots of support,,..
we cant control the addicts, cant cantrol how they feel wha they will do or not do,,and ar no its fault..
when u say u want him toi say to u that everyhng will be ok,,. he might promise u from his heart and really want itand mean it,,, but its ahard long way,,,a nd uneed to take care of urself so u can still be happy,,
concentrate on ur recovery,, do stuff foryourself tokeep u happy and all the energy that u spend worring,, move to u,,, and put it on ur recovery,, thats what i try to donow in my life. and dont expect alot butwhen good things come enjoy them!!
im sending u hugs and hope everything will be good for u!!
c ome back and post alot it helps alot!! GOd bless u!!
first of all take a deep breath!! youre a loving person,, a good person and everything u say and feel is s o much like any of us here somtimes.i know how u feel i have been ther manytimes, . its so good to havethis place,, here u can write as much as u want,, becouse thisplace is for this!!
i hope your bf will get better,,and it will work out the way u want it..i hope he will recover....!!
did u find any meetings for u,?,, we family of addictsneed lots of support,,..
we cant control the addicts, cant cantrol how they feel wha they will do or not do,,and ar no its fault..
when u say u want him toi say to u that everyhng will be ok,,. he might promise u from his heart and really want itand mean it,,, but its ahard long way,,,a nd uneed to take care of urself so u can still be happy,,
concentrate on ur recovery,, do stuff foryourself tokeep u happy and all the energy that u spend worring,, move to u,,, and put it on ur recovery,, thats what i try to donow in my life. and dont expect alot butwhen good things come enjoy them!!
im sending u hugs and hope everything will be good for u!!
c ome back and post alot it helps alot!! GOd bless u!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I always wanted my kids to reassure me that they weren't using. Today, my daughter is clean and sober and she understands my insecurity better... but she gently calls me on it.
My son, who is still using and drinking, but worries about ME (he is so going to be here one day)... he will lie to me. Right to my face. Until I ask him if he is just trying to make me feel better... and then he says yes.
And then I realize that words are just words. Actions count. Mine and theirs.
If I say I am going to do something, it doesn't count until I do it. Same with them.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
My son, who is still using and drinking, but worries about ME (he is so going to be here one day)... he will lie to me. Right to my face. Until I ask him if he is just trying to make me feel better... and then he says yes.
And then I realize that words are just words. Actions count. Mine and theirs.
If I say I am going to do something, it doesn't count until I do it. Same with them.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
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