I Blew My Top

Old 03-15-2007, 04:32 PM
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Angry I Blew My Top

My AH hit a nerve today. We're about to be divorced because he chose to relapse in November, and chose to do nothing but deny. It has been a MAJOR rollercoaster for me. He's also bi-polar. His doc is codeine.

Right now I have been talking to him occasionally and on some days I thought possibly he was considering straightening himself out. Well today I told him this is it, I really have been asked out on a date, and unless he says he'll clean up, I'm going.

He told me this sob story about how when I made him leave, he said he wasn't coming back and he's so sorry it has to be this way, but he is hurting too...quack, quack. Then speculated on who it is. I told him it didn't matter. Well he's been text messaging me about how he doesn't know who I am, blah, blah, blah and the man who gets me will be very lucky because HE KNOWS WHO I REALLY AM, and that ONE DAY, I will see what he's talking about. Then says, I will always be available if you need someone to talk to. I wrote back (explicit) f$%^#ck that! Then I said oh that makes sense, what would I say, hey AH, I was married to this guy who chose drugs over a descent life and as long as I bought into the addiction, everything was fine. I acted like such a fool to try to get him to realize what a mistake he was making. Then he says, I'm not talking to W_ _ _ _, who is this?? I said I haven't been talking to J_ _ _ _, who is this???

THIS IS TOTAL INSANITY! He has truly bought into his idea of what has gone wrong. He has convinced himself that we just had "problems that were unmanageable." I love(d) this man. He and I NEVER argued about anything but why he hated mayonaise and why I hated science fiction movies. Then he came around to tolerate mayo, and I will humor him by sitting in the room with him while he watched the movies.

I don't know what came over me today?? I just said enough is enough. I'm sure another day may be different, but I'll worry about that when it gets here. Weird thing about this is, I seem to get his attention when I am just down right mean to him. I don't do this intentionally, but I am tired of beating a dead horse!

I even told him to come get my wedding ring and hock it to get pills and get his mail forwarded to the correct address. He said ok. Then I said yep, that's how low you will go (hocking ring, or even taking it back). I said that to prove a point. I really cherish my ring because I love my husband. People have told me to make it into something else, but I love it just the way it is, and I long to wear it again for the reason I have it. Oops, he just texted me....stay tuned. Thanks for listening!
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Old 03-15-2007, 04:35 PM
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His answer to where he is was (gag) He died when the woman of his dreams shut him out and told him he was a loser.

When he got on the plane to rehab he was 3, 4, 5, 10 sheets to the wind. I told him if he gets this way again, I was divorcing him. He said I don't want to lose my wife, so this is why I'm doing this. Now look at it. I HATE ADDICTION!
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Old 03-15-2007, 05:09 PM
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Another addiction hater here...
So, may I ask, why are you considering dating at this point? It seems to me that time for and by yourself might be in order. You are so angry, and I certainly relate, but wouldn't it be healthier - nay safer - to work on your own recovery at this point?
I'm still with my husband, but I couldn't imagine stepping out there if we weren't. I am the poster child for enabling, controlling etc. right now!
I have so many things to get straightened out on my end...I certainly wouldn't want to attract, so to speak, another addict!
Just interested...
Be blessed, my prayers are with you.
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Old 03-15-2007, 05:52 PM
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Wink

The "date" is a person with whom I've known for a long time. I guess I'm safe here to say it's totally platonic. I live in a small area and word gets around. I wanted hubby to know in case it got back to him, and to let him know he's letting me slip away. I never imagined myself in this position. Who would? Now I have to deal with the reality that RIGHT NOW, or maybe never he just isn't interested in being sober. Life goes on, with or without the addict.
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Old 03-15-2007, 05:55 PM
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i do know how you feel, i've been trying to cope with my rah's addiction for a lot of yrs, i felt like a woman scorned. i HAD to take time out to do some soul searching to get to know me. my ah and i stayed seperated a lot and each time i set boundaries or had to ask him to leave, i had to check the motives behind my decisions. what was i expecting to come out of his leaving? i realized that i did what i did because i needed to in order to stay sane and not because i was trying to pull some kind of reaction out of him. i was actually ready to stick by any boundary that was set.

in my opinion, only, i think that it would be good if you ask yourself if you are really ready to date or get a divorce, and if not, maybe ask yourself why would you want him to think that you are. in my opinion, for him to think that you are, may even cause him to not fully trust you one day, and that may cause problems in the long run.

what helped me to feel better, when my rah was not able to live here with me, was for me to focus on me and what i could do to take care of me and the kids, and to keep my side of the street clean. did not want to make things harder on me than they had to be. i know that you said that you would never cheat on your husband and this is just what you allowed him to believe, but why?

just curious and i hope that i'm not stepping out of line here but if i am, i am so sorry, i don't mean no harm. its only that i have gotten myself in this kind of situation before, knowing that i was not really sure if i was ready to be done with one relationship before stepping into another and it was more trouble than it was worth. just sharing my esh.
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Old 03-15-2007, 05:56 PM
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i guess i posted too soon, i'm sorry
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Old 03-15-2007, 06:11 PM
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Talking

I DON'T want a divorce. I am the one who filed because he chose to move out and continue popping pills. If he would have moved out and said he realized he made a mistake and wanted to get sober (again), then I would still not want him living with us "until" at least 6 months of sobriety had passed. But as of this date, he now has spiraled so far down that he is actually rationalizing popping pills! We've been around the block a million times with this. See previous posts of mine. So I have a questions here. I have said it over and over, if I DON'T WANT TO BE DIVORCED and he is just passively standing by just waiting for the chips (pills) to fall, then should I put the hearing off and tell him I'm doing so? Really. I want some opinions here. I can put it off up until a year from the date of filing (January 25). If he's not actively seeking recovery, then why should I put it off? I'm not being sarcastic. I really want to get some opinions. Thanks!
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Old 03-15-2007, 06:29 PM
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i do understand that you don't want a divorce, but you are filing for one so i'm kind of confused.

i didn't want a divorce either and my husband did the same as yours and seem like he didn't mind that he couldn't live with us, but because i knew that i was not ready for divorce or didn't know if i was ready, i choose not to file for one until i was sure that i was ready.

i'll have to admit that living singlely married all of these yrs was no fun at first at all, i was losing my mind when i first found sr. i found out that i didn't have to make a decision about my marriage right away, not until i was ready to do that because thats what i wanted to do, period. as long as i knew that i wasn't sure, i choose to seperate and work on me until i was emotionally able to handle a divorce. sure i feel like i wasted a lot of yrs being married to a man who was never around, but that was ok,

i learn to be happier than i ever been without him and that only came when i began to re aquaint myself with me.

if i had to make a suggestion to you, i would suggest that you focus more on what will make your life happier, detachment don't always have to mean forever, just that you decide to not stick around and take a front row seat to all the addictive drama. i think that you are the one only who can decide what you need to do for you and about your marriage. we will support you in what ever decision that you make.

for me, dating would still be kind of on the back burner, addiction is already hurting enough people. sorry this is only my opinion. i care and i'm here to support you and your decision. addiction is never gonna be an easy life to live, and it depends on how long you are willing to wait to see if your ah will recover, he may and he maynot, that is up to him and there is not much that you can do to alter his decisions.

don't mean no harm and i may be so wrong, but it kind of sound like you may want to manipulate him into getting clean by telling him about the date and divorce and i know that getting sober is something that he'll have to do just because he is sick and tired and ready to live better. usually recovery don't stick until the addict is really ready. this is not a law, only from my experience. you are welcome to pm me anytime you want. i care
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Old 03-15-2007, 06:48 PM
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Unhappy

I guess technically manipulation would be the reason for the date, but the divorce is because I have respect for marriage, and to live married, but apart and the likelihood of infidelity, I'd just rather be able to say I had respect for my marriage, but addiction didn't.
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Old 03-15-2007, 06:52 PM
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i do understand i think, so i'll just keep praying that all works out the way that its meant to be. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
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