Things I used to do to enable my addict...

Old 03-15-2007, 12:32 PM
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Things I used to do to enable my addict...

now that I know what enabling is..... LOL

Enabling is not letting them suffer the consequences of their actions.
Doing things to help "cushion" their fall.

Anyone else care to share???

- I covered for him, lied, made excuses why he wasn't somewhere he shouldve been.

- I gave him cash in the beginning for cigarettes and gas when he was "out" of money. Later, I wouldn't hand out cash, but would follow him to the store and pay for his gas and cigarettes.

- Always made sure he had something to eat in the beginning, (later made sure there wasn't any groceries in the house so when he wasn't working so it wasn't so comfortable. (An effort to control.))
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Old 03-15-2007, 12:41 PM
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Hi rayofsunshine - I kept my AD's addiction secret and am just learning to share my troubles which certainly are not as big as some here. Looking forward to more replies so we can all recognize what we do. Oh yes I never challenged her when I thought she was lyinh - hate lies!!!
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Old 03-15-2007, 12:44 PM
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Enabler No More

~We used to make excuses for our daughter and we were never totally honest with our family and friends about her addiction or her choices in we are upfront about the life she has chosen with anyone who asks.

~We fell into the trap twice of believing her when she told us she was robbed and had no money and no place to stay...Now we have had to release her more times than we can count to the streets, homeless, without money or food...and guess what she still hasn't hit rock bottom and she made that choice over family more times than we can count.

~We believed her for years when she told us her drug and alcohol use was "recreational" we accept her for what she is an addict.

~We finally realized having her in our home when she is not clean and sober is harmful to the very core for our children and ourselves. We accepted that even if it hurt not knowing where she was, and whether she was okay allowing her involvement in our lives when she's not clean hurts more.

~We do not accept collect calls at any time for any reason, we do not provide her money while she's in prison, we do not allow her ANY items of value as gifts because they have all been sold for drugs in the past. Now if we give her a gift it's a book, or a picture of her children.

~It helps us to know we are not responsible for her choices and our actions will not be responsible for her harm to herself or our family.
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Old 03-15-2007, 12:47 PM
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allowing him to use my car when he couldn't save enough to keep his own.
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Old 03-15-2007, 01:01 PM
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Picked him up when he ran out of gas because he was driving around stoned and didn't fill his car up because he spent his money on drugs.

give him more spending money than I give myself ($20.00 per day)

Buy groceries, pay the mortgage, pay all the bills when he uses his check for coke.

Payed off drug dealers many many many times...

bought him cigs.

oh my... on and on and on
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Old 03-15-2007, 01:23 PM
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Went to court with the youngest son, and his sentence was to pay a fine, AND buy 10 blankets for the homeless.

You guessed it...I paid the fine, and bought 10 beautiful (if I say so myself) blankets, and delivered them to the court, because son was "too busy"

I even have to laught at myself for that one!!!! LMAO
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Old 03-15-2007, 01:42 PM
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I'm laughing too, Moose.

That reminds me of something else I'd almost forgot about... paying the bail bondsman to get him out of jail. $2000 the 1st time, $1000 the 2nd, $1500 the 3rd. I was able to set up payments. I bet you can guess who made the payments???? Yep, me! (It took a while, but I finally learned, and left him in the last time.)
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Old 03-15-2007, 01:52 PM
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paid the court cost
paid for his car
paid his insurance
paid his cell bill
paid the overdrafts
paid the speeding tickets
and i wonder why hes so immature
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:16 PM
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amen, lakeside, amen. i'll add college to your list. other than that - you pretty summed up my attempt at control.

my husband and i always thought we were the ones who "paid". knowing what we know about daughter's addiction, we relieze that she "paid" dearly as well.

allow them to do for themselves - what they can do for themselves. i've learned it's really about respect, in many ways.

blessings, k
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:27 PM
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this is so weird. I have done all of those things[except the bail bond] and thought I was doing what I did to keep us going... thank you...eye opener
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:51 PM
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Paid 4 mths rent because AD had fallen behind...this was before I knew she was an addict..but wow...looking back....why didn't I see one normal doesn't pay rent...DUH!!!
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Old 03-15-2007, 04:19 PM
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I hid his drug use for YEARS from everyone. I took care of the kids, the house, the business.

On the outside, we were the picture book family.

I was such a good actress that now that I am 'out of the closet' about AH, some people are having trouble believing that he is what he is.

It isn't helping that he is quacking to a lot of people at church that have no clue about addiction or the he** that my kids and I have been through.
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Old 03-15-2007, 07:15 PM
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My husband and I are superenablers (SE).
We bought our AS a car.
a great guitar, gifts, cigarettes (we detest smoking), groceries, gas, etc. on and on.

We are currently hiding the addiction from his sisters. They don't live close, but I would sure like to know how to break the news. Why would I want them to be in this much pain?
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Old 03-16-2007, 09:12 AM
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When my AH was absconding (knew he'd failed his last drug test w/ his PO and
was running). I made his truck payments for him. (My reasoning was to save
my credit since both of our names were on the title.)
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Old 03-16-2007, 09:18 AM
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paid for cigarettes
paid rent
paid for cell phone
paid bail bond
paid for gas in about 15 cars in 2 days(when he "borrowed" my gas card")
paid for car insurance

NO more. It's been interesting how our dynamics have changed since I really started working my program of recovery and quit enabling.

BUT MOM !?!?!?! If you loved me you'd........ (fill in the blank)

No son, BECAUSE I love you, I won't ..... (fill in the blank). BECAUSE I love you I'm going to let you make your own choices and that means you get to experience your own consequences too !!

(applause applause) The Academy Award for the Best Codie MOM in a Supporting role goes to: (its a group award. we all get one)
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Old 03-16-2007, 09:30 AM
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Paid probation fines, because eh had written over the first money order to get the cash to buy drugs. (this went on several months before I refused.)

Paid off dealers only to find out they ahdnt been owed money he just wanted more drugs.
Bought small bottles of liquor thinking I could help in the moderation pursuit.
PAid back money he stole before it was found out. Ect,.

Stopped this 3 years ago when the money ran out
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Old 03-16-2007, 09:45 AM
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Before we lived together:

Paid for trips.
paid to set up his business
Paid for equipment for the business
Gave him my old car when I bought a new(er) one (the old one was the best one he ever had!)
Gave him my old computer when his crashed
Gave him grocery cards
Gave him phone cards Work as an unpaid photography assitant at weddings for his business
Paid for advertising for his business

Took him with me to choose the house I now have
After he moved in:
Paid the mortgage and all the bills
Mowed the grass and did all the work on the house myself
Bought a truck for him to use
Paid for more vacation trips
Gave him a low limit credit card (my credit, his name and he did pay that off, upon which I cancelled it and he got mad.. LOL)
Accepted that his job was less than full time and so did not expect him to pay half of the expenses of the house

Essentially I believed this man and his story that if he only had a chance.. if he only had a good platform from which to get his life on track he would.

He repaid me by lying and cheating on me and leaving me with his bills. Now he gets nothing from me but he has found a new co dependent to leach off of. However, he is learning a few things.. and one is that he has PO'd the wrong woman this time and some of us do not just lay down and put up with his continued return to walk on us.

Sometimes there is a biting snake hidden under the person he though was a door mat....
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Old 03-16-2007, 09:59 AM
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ok elana, question, well maybe not, don't get mad at me,ok?

ok,what did he do for himself looks like you did it all so i can understand why you are so upset? sorry just curious!
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Old 03-16-2007, 10:10 AM
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Paid Bail Twice
Paid Back People He Owed
Borrowed To Pay Bills
Lied About His Addiction
Covered For Him To Family, Friends, And Bosses
Made Excuses, Not Only To Others, But To Myself
Let Him Back Home 2 Too Many Times

Things I Use To Do, I Am Admitingly Still Doing.
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Old 03-16-2007, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by 2CAREBEARS View Post
Paid Bail Twice
Paid Back People He Owed
Borrowed To Pay Bills
Lied About His Addiction
Covered For Him To Family, Friends, And Bosses
Made Excuses, Not Only To Others, But To Myself
Let Him Back Home 2 Too Many Times

Things I Use To Do, I Am Admitingly Still Doing.
sorry 2carebear, but this maybe PART of the reason why he's still using, if he's still using.
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