introspection

I finally hit my breaking point recently and found myself having a complete emotional breakdown.

My agf of 8 years took 20 ambien CR pills (normal dose would be 1/2 a pill for most people) and then decided to drive to work the next morning. I received a frantic call from her parents who had received a phone call from the police. By sheer luck, instead of being arrested, she was rushed to the ER. It was after I was able to bring her home and tuck her into bed that I had the breakdown. I literally sat for two hours on a chair in the living room. I could not make myself move. The sun went down and still I could not move. The room darkened and I sat in the dark still unable to move. I told myself that I needed to switch on the lamp and I could not make myself do it. I just had a continuous loop of all the things I could not possibly handle running through my mind over and over again. I could not make it stop - over and over the same thoughts. I don't know what finally brought me out of it but those two hours literally scared me.

Rationally I realize that the stress of the latest incident coupled with the 2.5 years of dealing with the addiction and all that comes with it has taken a toll on me. I know that the relationship is unhealthy, codependent and that I have been enabling her addiction. I also understand that I need to take care of me first, it just goes against everything I have been taught in my life (Japanese family values). I am looking into seeking therapy and have researched local narcanon meetings in my area, unfortunately I have class that night and am unable to go.

I've read through the different threads and have come to the realization that so many people are at different stages on this journey and mine seems to be just beginning. All of my friends and family have always considered me the strong one, the rock that they lean on but I'm really not that person. I am not nearly that strong. Who does the person who has always taken care of everyone else lean on when they cant handle it anymore?

And now, I've found more of the pills and she is back on the ambien.

Ann

Addiction is a progressive disease, and sadly it isn't going to get better until she reaches a level where the pain of using is greater than the fear of stopping. That could be tomorrow, next year or never, we have no way of knowing.

What you may want to consider is how long do you want to go on like this? I know your pain, I know your fear and I know how much it hurt to watch someone we love destroy themselves. Trying to stop them is like standing in front of an oncoming train...we get out of the way or we go down with them.

Meetings saved my life. Naranon, Alanon or CoDA are all similar and off support and guidance through the 12-steps of recovery that will change your life forever.

My prayers go out for both of you, that you each find the help you need.

Hugs

Elana

"Who does the person who has always taken care of everyone else lean on when they cant handle it anymore?"

Ah gee.. I so understand..

Why you lean on God and start letting people stand on their own two feet, no matter hwo wobbly... and you LEND support as opposed to GIVING support.

It starts with recognizing you cannot control anything.. that your life has become chaotic. It is a HUGE eye opener to do this. You cannot fix someone else's life by taking care of them or holding them up or making end runs on their addiction or their behavior.

You can decide NOT to do any of those things and take care of your self.. and allow them the dignity to do the same (no matter how painful to watch, or how much you want to rescue them).

We must first love and rescue outselves... then we can lend support to others without damge to us.

The strongest tree will eventually break under the weight of enough snow or ice or wind load.

dollydo

I suffer from the same disease co-dependency. I was always the one who came to everyones rescue, and everyone knew that.

Then I hit my wall, I realized that I had lost me and without me, I had no future.

I started my recovery, it is a difficult journey, one that I will be on the rest of my life. I have rediscovered me, and I like that.

I agree with the others who have posted above, start your own recovery, you are the only person you can save.

SaTiT

I'm sorry what you're going through, Intro.
I'm glade however that you are seeking help for yourself.
I struggle for 5 years and the last couple of years was a living hell.
I struggle as will, being a man ment more then just being a provider.
I've always put my family first before me, my Gf, the children, i was raised
that way. it's not a bad thing. It's just when you're dealing with addiction,
it's an entirely different beast all together.

I had several break downs, I would question maybe i was having
a mid life crisses or some sort of male dyfunctioning dis-order.
But how many mid life crises could a man have in one life time.

I reserch on co-dependency to educate myself on the subject.
It was hard for me at first to accept that I was co-dependent.
What I was reading, the traits, basically how I lived my life I couldn't
deny those facts.

I didn't heal over night. I work the progam , steps or whatever
suggestion to the best of my ablilty. I failed, many , many times.
But I kept trying no matter what.

I know it's hard to rest at the moment
But resting is probably the best thing for you at the moment.

teke

i agree with the others, i too am very codependant, putting others needs and wants before my own, made me lose me in all the fixing. maybe its really time for you to put you first. sorry that you are going through all of this and i pray that your gf will find her way soon. keeping you and yours in my prayers