Stupid, stupid cycle...
 

Hi all.

Hope everyone is doing well this week... more than halfway through the work week, yay!

Well, short update is that I FINALLY broke up with my (ex) ABF after two and a half years of back-and-forth drug use (his) and back-and-forth generally insane behavior (mine)... and for no "reason" either. All my reasons I could have used in the past... finding him using of course, catching him in ridiculous lies and finally getting arrested last November... none of that did it. It was just like I woke up one day and realized that the relationship truly wasn't going anywhere...

I am still so codependent, though... and I don't want to fall back in to the pit because of it. Earlier today, I knew that ex-ABF would be back from a job after being gone for awhile... and I thought, "I really don't want him to show up and try to hang out. Just want to be by myself."

Well, he called... I was kind of cold I guess, but not incredibly so... ended with him saying, "Well, I guess I'll let you get back to what you are doing..." and me saying, "Okay" and just hanging up.

Perfectly normal, right?

Um no... because I have been feeling like the most horrible person in the world for the past hour and a half and trying to fight off the urge to call him back. To be "nicer"... which would only lead to him asking if he could come by to "talk"... which would lead to either me saying yes or getting into a fight about it, neither one of which I'm interested in pursuing at this point.

I'm going to bed early to avoid all of this... but still... why is it so hard to let sleeping dogs lie?

Well... that's actually one reason. I miss our dog (present to him, no question the dog's staying with him) so terribly I can hardly stand it... how stupid is that? And I miss his stupid jokes and laughing and hugging and all of that... today I walked around sad for at least thirty minutes because I took my own trash out... one of the only things he did for me... not because it was hard... it was the easiest thing I did all day...

I guess I just know that the more this happens, the easier it will get... shouldn't be scared about that I guess... but then he really is out of my life. Something about the finality of that scares the living he** out of me and I don't know why, because I'm the one who said I wanted it like this. I haven't been doing a very good job of boundaries anyway... talk to him almost every day... he leaves messages that, if anyone heard them, they would think we were right on track and still together...

Guess I'm just confused. A little lonely as well. I have such a full life during the day... but at night... with no family and living alone and all... it all starts to get much more hard and just "heavier"... and so much easier to consider the possibility that his company might be a better alternative to reading the same magazine again or reorganizing yet another drawer...

I'm going to start working the steps with a real live sponsor this week, so maybe that will help. I am SO excited about that. Also have a trip planned next month, so I'm trying to get myself in a little better shape and thinking about some new wardrobe additions and stuff... I'm doing my best to keep busy and feel like my life is full.

Nights are just downright brutal sometimes!

I agree, the nights are the worst. You must be very strong to stand your ground . Thinking of you...Marian

Thanks Marian... I love your name, by the way. It is in my family...

I need to really get a "plan" for my nights right now to keep myself occupied. Problem is, sometimes you just want to R-E-S-T. But I'm not far along enough in my recovery to have too much idle time if I'm not content with reading or working on my own stuff... gotta have some physical alternative to calling up ex-ABF.

I'm working on it at least!

Dear Trying,

I go to meetings. I go and visit with my Mom or my brother. I go and visit with my friends.

I also do a lot of tapping. That helps a great deal when I am really sad. If you would like additional information on Emotional Freedom Techniques you can go to www.emofree.com. The best part is, is that it is free!

Caught In The Mid had a great suggestion of putting things that you did not like about your relationship or events that caused you pain in your relationship on 3 x 5 cards and reading those when you start remebering only the good times. I guess I could tap on those :)

Hugs,

Lithloren

I know what you mean, the evenings were the hardest for me.

I had to rechannel my energies, come up with a new plan...I started going out with my friends, went to the library (forgot what a wonderful place that is), joined a bowling league, got a cat and reconnected with my family.

Takes time, you will get there, be patient.

Oh the nights........they are DEFINITELY the worst! What is up with that? Isn't there an old Billy Squier song that says something about "Lonely is the night, when you find yourself alone. And the demons come to light, and your mind is not your own."

I agree when my mind was idle that is when I was the loniest its the night time that was VERY hard for me. Your just used to being with someone. It takes alot of time but it does get easier. I agree with the 3*5 cards write some things down. Start journaling your feelings get them all out. Find old friends and make dinner plans or just talk on the phone. I had a friend that I really didnt talk to for years but I know a phone call with her would be minimum 2hrs shes a talker. So I called her to occupy my time and by the time I got off the phone I was exhausted and just want to go to sleep hey it helped! I wasnt lonley for those 2hrs and I wasnt thinking about him.

writing and rewriting letters that i don't get to send, really helped me. write one and then keep re writing that same letter until it says exactly what you want it to say and the way you want to say it. usually by the time i finish the final copy, i find that i don't need to send it, that its time to write a whole new letter, and doing the same thing with it. it was healing for me.

Yeah.. the nights do sort of stink.
I play with my cats.. and I do watch a little TV.. Go on line... go to a meeting when they are on.. it is light out at night now so I walk.. Read.. print photos in the dark room.. paint..

Soon I will have gardening to do and lawn to mow etc.

I am getting a dog later in the spring and that will help. Have you thought of getting a dog or a kitten of your own?
I have always had my animal friends for company. Is there a community college near by where you can take a class (for credit or not)?

I like the letter writing thing. I was recently cleaning out my closet and found one of my old notebooks. The one where I would write the letters in and never send but got it all out. I was left feeling grateful that I still wasnt in that place and I'm in a happier place and I havent needed my notebook in a long time. Made me feel good. I agree write the letter hold on to it and re-read it in a week or so. I did that alot.

hi hun!
great suggestions from everyone, I am in the same boat as you... we just broke up a few weeks ago, and the nights, oh the nights..... and also I find Sundays hard.... I have been chatting on the phone, I went to church last Sunday, and I've signed up for a couple of programs through the local womans place.. I know the confusion and the pain you are feeling, I think though I would rather be alone by myself then alone in my relationship....which I had been for so long.....at times I feel bouts of panic, then I just pray... I'm sad that this had to happen, that he has choosen drugs/alcohol over me, I know he would come back if I let him, but I know I just can't go there again...I feel like a different person even after this short time..I feel like the old me is coming back again... slowly... and I'm sure in time you will feel the same, and good on ya for getting a sponser.. let me know how that is working for you...

take care hun,
if you wanna chat, pm me..

Liz

Hello Trying! You are getting some good advice - I use some of them - especially the library what a wonderful thing that is - enjoyed some "me" time there yesterday - Yes don't forget the "me" time.