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Why do I always feel to blame?

Old 03-14-2007, 05:38 PM
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Why do I always feel to blame?

Today was even worse than yesterday. My AH is still in rehab by the graces of my HP. He called me today with his social worker because he wants out tomorrow. He was there for 2 days and feels he has all the tools to live a clean life after 15 years or chewing and snorting anything he could ever get his hands on. I told the social worker I thought he needed more time under his belt before getting out and he totally flipped out on me turning it all around. He goes on to say that we need help with our communication, that I need help and that he thinks he should go to his mothers when he gets out- she won't take him! After this horrible phone call I could barely breathe. I asked the social worker if I could talk to her after and he said no. 30 seconds later she called me back saying he was ok with her calling me. He flipped out on the phone call because she said that he manipulates everyone and he could not stand to hear it. The only reason he is in rehab is b/c of me and my kids. He told me that. This is his first time he has ever agreed to go in 15 years!
Of course the codie in me went crazy and I felt like I HAD to talk to him so I called the phone at the rehab and some guy answered. I asked for AH and I heard him call for him and then I heard AH say tell her I'm not here. Then the loser hung up on me!!! I lost my mind!! So now I am being strong and not picking up the phone to call him. If he doesn't want to talk to me then why should I worry about him? Besides even if he does get on the phone he is obviously not in a good place right now. I am just so upset by all of this!
Thanks for listening to my rant!!!
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Old 03-14-2007, 05:52 PM
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Im so sorry for your sadness. My AH is on his 9th day of detox, and still is extremely irrational.I guess its normal, but I know its upseting. Ranting is good, its gotten me through the 9 days without losing my mind. Feel free to vent- it works. I hope tommorrow is a better day for you.
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Old 03-14-2007, 05:59 PM
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Calli- Thank you for writing back. I know I sound desperate. I just feel like I need someone to talk to. I am out of my skin right now. He was supposed to call me tonight- the social worker gave him permission to use the phone in the office- but I still have not heard a thing! I guess I am worried that I will not hear from him and he leaves me. That is very much how he works! Somehow he always gets by. So I worry he leaves the rehab and he that is that. Does that sound crazy?
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:01 PM
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Someone please talk me out of calling him tonight! Talk some sense into me!
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:09 PM
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Ann
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Take a deep breath and back away from the phone.

Calling him will resolve nothing. Maybe he's at a meeting, maybe he's talking to a counselor, or maybe he just forgot.

Instead of obsessing about him, why not find a meeting for yourself and work on healing and getting past the obsession. That way when he gets out you will be better prepared to look after yourself.

Hugs
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:18 PM
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Good advice from Ann. Hang in there, read a book, give him time to get into the program. Give yourself time too.
khrea
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:53 PM
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Is it possible that he knows you so well that he knows the way to get attention from you is to NOT TO CALL? I wish you a peaceful evening. Marian
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Old 03-14-2007, 07:34 PM
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Time for you to love yourself more than him, Take.

Stay away from the phone. You're driving yourself mad by launching yourself face-first into his psychosis. Get out, away from phones. Rent a movie, grab a really engaging book, do anything to keep your mind busy so it doesn't stray back to that sick and unhealthy place.

He is pushing your buttons and I think you know that. Let it go. You don't need to do anything at all right now but think about how you're planning to make tomorrow better -- for YOU -- than today

Sending you strength and hugs. I've been there too.

Love,
GL
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Old 03-14-2007, 08:38 PM
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I am proud to say that I did not call him tonight but sad to say he did not call me either. I did not take care of me though- I wouldn't know how to do that anyway! I wonder at what point I lost myself in this process with him. I was a strong, independent women before all of this chaos or at least I thought I was. Once again living with blinders on!
Anyway I spoke with is mom for a while tonight and she was great. She is so strong and I admire her so much. She said there is no way she would allow him in her house. She has another son that is also an addict and she has totally written him off. She said some great things to me and really stressed that I need to worry about me and my kids and to not let him bring me down. I am so glad I made it through the night without calling but I wish I could have let go and not let it consume my night. I know I have a lot of work to do!
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:57 AM
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Sometimes no contact is the best venue. Why stir up the pot by talking to him.
All it does is upset you.

By obsessing over him you have let him take control of your life. Is that what you really want?

His actions speak for themselves, 2 days in rehab does not make for a clean, sober life...it just doesn't work that way.

Listen to his mother, she is on the right track.
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Old 03-15-2007, 05:22 AM
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Stay strong Take2, come here whenever you feel the urge to break down and call.
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Old 03-15-2007, 05:56 AM
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((((Take2)))
I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in all the chaos and drama of our A's, that we lose ourselves, or who were were.
You say you were an independent, strong woman before, so, get that woman back!
Go to some meetings, get some tools in your toolbox, and be good to YOU.

Go get massage, have a Spa day if you can afford it, get a pedicure, do good things for YOU. YOU deserve it.

Hugs
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Old 03-15-2007, 06:07 AM
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sorry that you are having a hard time. he is in the right place. sounds like he wants to manipulate you by not calling you, try not to let him see you sweat it, he'll probably continue to use this trick if you do. when you feel you NEED to talk to him, try writing a letter to him and re write it until it says exactly what you want it to say. by the time you finish the final copy, you may find that you don't need to send it to him, that you need to write a whole new letter, doing the same thing with it. this helped me so much to keep my fingers away from the phone.

to keep from watching the phone to see if its gonna ring all night, i use to turn the ringer off for awhile, that way, i wouldn't have to know whether or not he called and sometimes, i would just screen my calls, use the answering machine. hope tonite is better for you, it does get easier.

you know, i may have not always been over heels with joy about going into rehab, but once there, i found that it was not so bad and that i would consider staying, even if it was for one day at a time. try not to worry about whether or not he stays there, if he's not ready, he's not ready and there is nothing you can do to make him ready. maybe its time for you to decide just what you are willing to live with, and stick to what you decide. addicts don't usually leave good enablers for long. i'm an addict, i think i know.
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