Help with treatment question....
Help with treatment question....
Hi everyone. I've been off for a bit, what with the new baby and the move, life has been very crazy. I am looking for some help and info from you guys today. I have in the past been referring to my husband as the addict when I post. I also have another addict in my life and that is my sister.
She is an alcoholic, she was a cocaine addict, but lately that has died down. She had some stressful and anxiety causing problems a few weeks ago and was taking Xanax, and then Valium. She does smoke marijuana. She is cross addicted to pretty much everything and anything that will bury her pain.
We aren't sure what her pain is. She has been my best friend for years and I don't recall any traumatic event in her life. She is only 26 years old.
She is also somewhat bi-polar, manic, she deals with depression. A whole host of issues. So anyways, she had one boyfriend, J, that she broke up with about a year ago and she moved back home to my parents. That didn't last long as my father is a Pastor and wuoldn't tolerate my sister's drinking and sleeping around. So my sister found a string of short-term livein boyfriends to avoid living at home. Long story short, one of the short-term boyfriends, turned longterm and they were quite happy. They were diagnosed with herpes (both of them) and that has sent them into one problem after another. My sister has also started hanging out with the old boyfriend, J, again. So last night it finally comes to a head. My sister in all her drunken wisdom decides that she is going to go and pick up her things from the live-in boyfriends house and go live with J. J is a huge ox of a man who has been to prison for 10 years for assault and intent to kill, he was abusive to my sister, he loves to start barfights, and in general is just a violent person. Which my sister has told the live-in. So when the two of them show up to get her stuff and J tries to enter the house the live-in blindsides him with a baseball bat.
Now the ex-boyfriend, J, is laying in intensive care this morning, the live-in is now in jail and waiting to see what will happen to him, and my sister is left confused as to how she can be getting the blame for this at all. WHAT???!!!
My question is this...how do we as a family go about getting her treatment? Can we lock her up on our own. Must we convince a judge or a treatment center that she needs treatment. We are at our wits end. She seeks us out at midnight, we do not call her, we learned better a long time ago. The things she says while drinking are unforgivable. She has no self-respect or respect for others. We fear what will happen if one dies and the other goes to prison. I do not know what to do anymore. My life is sane now and my husband is doing so well, I just want it all to stop. She is an addict in every sense that I know one to be. Please help. I know that it is lengthy, but I am desperate. If we don't stop her, i fear that nothing short of death or prison will. Thank you so much.
She is an alcoholic, she was a cocaine addict, but lately that has died down. She had some stressful and anxiety causing problems a few weeks ago and was taking Xanax, and then Valium. She does smoke marijuana. She is cross addicted to pretty much everything and anything that will bury her pain.
We aren't sure what her pain is. She has been my best friend for years and I don't recall any traumatic event in her life. She is only 26 years old.
She is also somewhat bi-polar, manic, she deals with depression. A whole host of issues. So anyways, she had one boyfriend, J, that she broke up with about a year ago and she moved back home to my parents. That didn't last long as my father is a Pastor and wuoldn't tolerate my sister's drinking and sleeping around. So my sister found a string of short-term livein boyfriends to avoid living at home. Long story short, one of the short-term boyfriends, turned longterm and they were quite happy. They were diagnosed with herpes (both of them) and that has sent them into one problem after another. My sister has also started hanging out with the old boyfriend, J, again. So last night it finally comes to a head. My sister in all her drunken wisdom decides that she is going to go and pick up her things from the live-in boyfriends house and go live with J. J is a huge ox of a man who has been to prison for 10 years for assault and intent to kill, he was abusive to my sister, he loves to start barfights, and in general is just a violent person. Which my sister has told the live-in. So when the two of them show up to get her stuff and J tries to enter the house the live-in blindsides him with a baseball bat.
Now the ex-boyfriend, J, is laying in intensive care this morning, the live-in is now in jail and waiting to see what will happen to him, and my sister is left confused as to how she can be getting the blame for this at all. WHAT???!!!
My question is this...how do we as a family go about getting her treatment? Can we lock her up on our own. Must we convince a judge or a treatment center that she needs treatment. We are at our wits end. She seeks us out at midnight, we do not call her, we learned better a long time ago. The things she says while drinking are unforgivable. She has no self-respect or respect for others. We fear what will happen if one dies and the other goes to prison. I do not know what to do anymore. My life is sane now and my husband is doing so well, I just want it all to stop. She is an addict in every sense that I know one to be. Please help. I know that it is lengthy, but I am desperate. If we don't stop her, i fear that nothing short of death or prison will. Thank you so much.
Kim, As sad as it may sound, there really is not too much that you can do to help her until she wants it. My addict is my daughter. She is 20. As I am sure you have noticed an addict's life is full of chaos. They are not very good at making life-enhancing choices for themselves. You sound as if you are tiring of the drama and the chaos. You can let her go. It is okay to not be an active participant in the drama. You don't have to feel guilty about wanting your life to be better. My daughter is the queen of drama. Even seeing her every two months or so has gotten to be too much for me. I love her with all my heart, I pray daily that she will want to find help, but I also know that until she wants her life to change, there is nothing that I can do to force that change. I know you love your sister, but she is an adult and has the right to screw up her life any way that she chooses. You have a right to peace and happiness in yours. Hugs, Marle
Welcome to SR, there is much to discover about addiction.
There are some sticky (permanent) posts at the top of each forum. I would suggest you start by reading those... LOTS of information there.
You might consider attending some Alanon, Naranon or CODA meetings, or even some open AA meetings. These are for more than just support, but also a way to get educated about addiction and the part family members play. I would suggest at least 6 meetings.
What I know today is -
Addiction is a genetic, physically based condition that is not the fault of the addict or anyone else. There is no great "sadness" ... many of us who are alcoholic and addicts have that feeling of a "hole in the middle". Drugs and alcohol fill that hole, but no one around us necessarily caused it.
Addiction is chronic - it does not come and go. Like diabetes, it is there all the time, even when we can't see the manifestation.
Addiction is progressive - it gets worse over time. And here is a gem I discovered that shocked my sox off: it gets worse EVEN WHEN WE STOP!! I haven't had a drink in 23 years, but if I go back out and try "social drinking" the liklihood is that my drinking will immediately progress to about the level it would have been had I never quit drinking at all. If I used to drink a pint a day, I will likely start at a pint and be up to a quart in a short period of time. I've not personally tested this theory, but I've SEEN it.
Addiction is fatal, if left untreated. What I know about rehab and treatment is that it is NOT a silver bullet. It is not a cure. According to most rehabs, fully 2/3 of those who get into treatment leave to continue using or drinking. About half of those will die active in their disease. The other half will find sobriety after some periods of relapse.
What I also know, is that something like 60% of addicts who get sober do so without a program, as did I, my husband, my mom and my sister.
What I also know, is that a 12-step program saved my life 20 years after I got sober... when I discovered my own precious babies had grown up and developed addictions of their own.
Addiction is a HUGE thing... far more than just drinking and using. There is a lot to learn. I urge you to educate yourself, mostly so you can stop feeling guilt about what your sister chooses to do, and so you can stop feeling so much pain at what the addiction says to you while she is active in her addiction.
What we do is not who we are.
Your loving sister is in there, beneath the addiction. She is not bad, she is sick. But none of us can make her well.
A professional intervention can help an addict get clarity about where their addiction is taking them. But even without a professional intervention, it is MY belief that "life" provide interventions... through loss of jobs, cars, homes, friends, family and freedom. The courts can provide intervention... as can illnesses and hospitals.
I don't know anyone who arrived at an AA meeting shouting, "Hallelujah, I have ARRIVED!!!" Most of us get there due to life becoming intolerable. Those of us who love the addicts mostly just get out of the way while the addict figures this out.
That is a lot of information for you to absorb all at once... so take what you can and leave the rest. We are here 24/7.... you can stop by anytime. Lots of experience, strength and hope here, too.
I wish you the best.
((hugs))
There are some sticky (permanent) posts at the top of each forum. I would suggest you start by reading those... LOTS of information there.
You might consider attending some Alanon, Naranon or CODA meetings, or even some open AA meetings. These are for more than just support, but also a way to get educated about addiction and the part family members play. I would suggest at least 6 meetings.
What I know today is -
Addiction is a genetic, physically based condition that is not the fault of the addict or anyone else. There is no great "sadness" ... many of us who are alcoholic and addicts have that feeling of a "hole in the middle". Drugs and alcohol fill that hole, but no one around us necessarily caused it.
Addiction is chronic - it does not come and go. Like diabetes, it is there all the time, even when we can't see the manifestation.
Addiction is progressive - it gets worse over time. And here is a gem I discovered that shocked my sox off: it gets worse EVEN WHEN WE STOP!! I haven't had a drink in 23 years, but if I go back out and try "social drinking" the liklihood is that my drinking will immediately progress to about the level it would have been had I never quit drinking at all. If I used to drink a pint a day, I will likely start at a pint and be up to a quart in a short period of time. I've not personally tested this theory, but I've SEEN it.
Addiction is fatal, if left untreated. What I know about rehab and treatment is that it is NOT a silver bullet. It is not a cure. According to most rehabs, fully 2/3 of those who get into treatment leave to continue using or drinking. About half of those will die active in their disease. The other half will find sobriety after some periods of relapse.
What I also know, is that something like 60% of addicts who get sober do so without a program, as did I, my husband, my mom and my sister.
What I also know, is that a 12-step program saved my life 20 years after I got sober... when I discovered my own precious babies had grown up and developed addictions of their own.
Addiction is a HUGE thing... far more than just drinking and using. There is a lot to learn. I urge you to educate yourself, mostly so you can stop feeling guilt about what your sister chooses to do, and so you can stop feeling so much pain at what the addiction says to you while she is active in her addiction.
What we do is not who we are.
Your loving sister is in there, beneath the addiction. She is not bad, she is sick. But none of us can make her well.
A professional intervention can help an addict get clarity about where their addiction is taking them. But even without a professional intervention, it is MY belief that "life" provide interventions... through loss of jobs, cars, homes, friends, family and freedom. The courts can provide intervention... as can illnesses and hospitals.
I don't know anyone who arrived at an AA meeting shouting, "Hallelujah, I have ARRIVED!!!" Most of us get there due to life becoming intolerable. Those of us who love the addicts mostly just get out of the way while the addict figures this out.
That is a lot of information for you to absorb all at once... so take what you can and leave the rest. We are here 24/7.... you can stop by anytime. Lots of experience, strength and hope here, too.
I wish you the best.
((hugs))
i think bigsis said it best, i'm a recovering addict and what ann said is so on the money. keeping you and your family and friends in my prayers, i sure pray that the live-in get better soon.
Last edited by teke; 03-14-2007 at 07:43 AM.
Kim...I don't want to take hope away from you and I know, for us who stand on the side lines, wish more than anything that we can't actually do something help....to make it all stop and get the person well. But unfortunately, if your sister is not a willing participant I don't think there is much you can do. She needs to want to stop herself. Without her own will and drive, even if you were to get her to stop for a while, the likelihood of her going back into active addiction is high.
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