jstacntryrose

now if I could just remember that EVERYDAY

waywardsister

This is something I thought I knew already. It's amazing though how patterns of behaviour and thought become automatic.

My Abf (addicted boyfriend...is that right? I don't know the acronyms yet!) cheated on me several times over the past three years that he's been an active user. I totally took that over and made it mine - partly out of guilt because I had been unfaithful to him just prior to his leap into drinking and drugs.

I was lying in bed last night picturing him being high and uncontrollably screwing someone (I picture different scenarios all the time) when it suddenly occured to me...I DON'T OWN THIS. I play scenarios over and over in my head - why? It's not my fault, and I don't need to handle what's happened by integrating his experiences into my subconcious, as if I will be able to understand them better if I only think about them constantly. I would put myself into his shoes and try to 'live out' what he had done...but that's for him to do, not me.

So I said, out loud to the sky and whoever listens to such things: "I don't need this anymore. You're free to leave now. You don't belong to me." And then I slept, and slept well!

So thanks for posting this. I am going to print it out and paste it in my journal so that I can remind myself, over and over, of what's MINE and what's not.

jstacntryrose

I have the hardes time with this, I am always trying to fix things. I feel like it is my responsibility to take on the world and its problems, even though I know none of it is mine. I am working on this. I have started to work the steps again..this time with my heart. I dont think I really got it before. Thank you all for this, forum to help me with the issues I keep letting in.
jstacntryrose

Beachbum

After going through major drama the past few days, I remembered this post about property lines. It really helped me get my head together about what was happening and how I was handling it. I was handling the situation poorly and driving myself nuts. I realized that none of this stuff was really mine, some was but most wasn't. I don't handle the family/kid situations well and really need to work on that.

sam082602

:wow: I own everyone else's property & try to sweep everything under the rug!! Thanks for this printout!!

PieT

I have come to realize this, but it still makes me sad. I own that sadness. Not so much for me, but for my kids. My husband is distant. Non communicative. Uninvolved. Only with us. Thats his, I tell them. Its not on us. Thats his problem. Thats his loss. But it makes them sad. It makes them feel bad. Dad can go to work and try to draw us into conversations about this function or that luncheon at work and who he talked to or what he ate, but he never does anything like that with us, "whats wrong with us?" I can almost see them wondering. Dad can go out on Tuesday nights with his oldest, first daughter from his first marriage and take her out to dinner or hang out at her apartment for 3 or 4 hours and play card games, but he barely talks to us, never plays games, falls asleep as soon as he gets home or hides in his home office all weekend, "what did we do?" they ask me. I know its on him, I can see his sickness all over him, I know he's not healthy. But they don't understand. They think they've done something wrong. Dad doesn't "look" sick. Dad can pull it off for everyone else. How can he be "sick" for us, and not for the rest of the world? Its part of his addiction I tell them. The selfishness of the addict. The denial. The "front" for the rest of the world. Its all about him and the way he lives, thats on him, not us. But they don't understand. They still think I'm making excuses for his bad behavior as a parent, when in reality, I'm just trying to get on with our own, my own life and not count on anything from him. It does make me sad.

miles2go

That's exactly what I needed to read today. I just keep reading it over and over. I'm going to post it on the fridge so I can read it every morning....thank you

stitch626

wow what a great post and i understand now that theres alot of things i tend to try and own that aren't mine. like my fiances stuff and trying to take on her proublems and solving them myself. when its not mine to fix. its hers. i pushed her away good this time by trying to do this and should have relized this wasn't mine to take. its her addiction and she needs to handle it. this forum is really opening my eyes to what she is going through and what she has put me through and what i need to do to get better for me. and give her back what is hers. i'm not sure when i'll hear from her again, but i know shes not gone out of my life forever cause i belive she just felt she had to go back to OK to her family and work out her proublems with them and herself. i am still new to it all and relize i have taken on her stuff so she wouldn't have too, i guess. and when she decides to come back into my life, i'm laying down some boundries for me and working on some stuff i got from other posts and the twelve steps for me. just not sure how to do them. if someone could give me so pointers and help working through them. thank you all for giving great advice and great posts. i've started anger management classes to to help me get my raging anger towards her and situations with my former gf and trying to see my daughter again. thats a whole different story though. thanks again and keep the great posts comming.......

Kaci

WOW Thats was great, I needed to read that especially tonight --- Easier way to remember it M.Y.O.B--- Just what I need to do Thanks Margo
To the Top Again

beginning2c

Wonderful!
I was at my mom's house one day, in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror. There in small letters on a clear sticker (so that you could only see the letters) were the words.
"You are looking at the problem"
Funny, it made me realize that my misery is my fault!

reikihelps

And about joy......

For some reason I am better at detaching from the negative stuff. When good stuff happens to my son (there's a mix) I get overly optimistic. Anyone else have that problem? I'd like to be grateful for and appreciate the moment but I am seeking a peaceful stance and not an overly involved cheerleader type stance. I am slowly beginning to realize this as manipulative in me. Subtle, isn't it?
Reikihelps
(formerly Mamabear)

honeycs

I own alot!!!!.........need to give some away!!!!

Thanks for the informative post.