struggling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
struggling
I seem to be struggling alot today with everything. My head is filled with a million questions, or thoughts that I really need to sort out. In a response to my earlier thread it was mentioned that resentments and a lack of trust lead to intimacy issues. I do very strongly agree with that. What I seem to have trouble with is letting go of that resentment. I've tried and tried to let everything go but something keeps holding me back, and I'm hoping that maybe someone elses prespective can help me out. I think that part of the reason that i am holding onto this resentment is because of RAH's doc(pot). I've never thought of pot to be harmful or addictive until RAh came into my life. I've always thought of it as nothing more then a recreational drug, no big deal. Well this is where it becomes a problem, because of this line of thinking that I have followed all of my life... I feel that RAH did have choices as pot isn't as powerful/addictive as other drugs. He could have just quit.. it was a concious choice to continue smoking pot. Hope I'm making sense and not offending here. Because pot has never been seen as "serious" i just didn't think addiction "fit". I still don't believe he honestly has an addiction. I think the lies, deciet, stealing from the kids and I was all because he's a selfish person... no other excuses or reasons. Even with more "clean" time he's still got the same attitude that he can do whatever the h*** he wants whenever he wants... no matter how it effects his family or anyone else. He still lies right to my face... even about the simplest of things, and he still steals my change. I cannot forgive and let go of the resentment when the same things are still happening right in front of my face.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: BFE
Posts: 116
Hey BigSis...
Well, I must admit that I thought the exact same thing as well... until I hooked up with ex-ABF. In fact, ex-ABF did have a problem with meth, and despite every inclination in my head... he has been able to remove all of that from his life. The problem? Marijuana. He can't let go.
Perhaps he can't let go for the same reasons we can't - that he doesn't think it is "that big of a deal". But you know, that's the same thought that alcoholics have, too... that since something is somewhat "socially acceptable" that it can't be all that bad.
I know what you mean - it is very hard to accept.
Something else I thought about when I read your post... you know... I always thought that if ABF would just quit using, everything would be perfect. The world would just come together, and we'd almost literally ride off into the sunset and toward our futures... which I hadn't quite set out in stone, but had something to do with having these ridiculously beautiful and of course absolutely genius children... great, warm little house with a picket fence... and our dog (at least that was a reality for awhile)... and that everyone would be so darned happy for us.
Thing was... even when ABF was pretty obviously clean and sober... he still lied. He still manipulated. He was still very selfish. I don't know if that is learned behavior, over the years... or if that is just the way that he is.
For me... it was kind of a breaking point. To this very day, friends and family can't understand why I couldn't find it within myself to break up with the man when he was arrested... but that it has actually come quite easily now that I have the realization that he is sober and he is still not the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. They just don't understand. That's okay - I wouldn't if I were them, either. Thing is... I was willing to see what happened if he got help... if he really committed himself to hard work and rehabilitation... to working this thing out. He got sober, but he didn't do any of those things. Once I realized that he was never going to work that hard to keep me and to keep the important things in our life... suddenly, it all seemed like a no-brainer.
That's just my experience. This man that you are with... he may not be like my ex-ABF. But I just wanted to share my own experience.
I hope you're feeling better.
Well, I must admit that I thought the exact same thing as well... until I hooked up with ex-ABF. In fact, ex-ABF did have a problem with meth, and despite every inclination in my head... he has been able to remove all of that from his life. The problem? Marijuana. He can't let go.
Perhaps he can't let go for the same reasons we can't - that he doesn't think it is "that big of a deal". But you know, that's the same thought that alcoholics have, too... that since something is somewhat "socially acceptable" that it can't be all that bad.
I know what you mean - it is very hard to accept.
Something else I thought about when I read your post... you know... I always thought that if ABF would just quit using, everything would be perfect. The world would just come together, and we'd almost literally ride off into the sunset and toward our futures... which I hadn't quite set out in stone, but had something to do with having these ridiculously beautiful and of course absolutely genius children... great, warm little house with a picket fence... and our dog (at least that was a reality for awhile)... and that everyone would be so darned happy for us.
Thing was... even when ABF was pretty obviously clean and sober... he still lied. He still manipulated. He was still very selfish. I don't know if that is learned behavior, over the years... or if that is just the way that he is.
For me... it was kind of a breaking point. To this very day, friends and family can't understand why I couldn't find it within myself to break up with the man when he was arrested... but that it has actually come quite easily now that I have the realization that he is sober and he is still not the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. They just don't understand. That's okay - I wouldn't if I were them, either. Thing is... I was willing to see what happened if he got help... if he really committed himself to hard work and rehabilitation... to working this thing out. He got sober, but he didn't do any of those things. Once I realized that he was never going to work that hard to keep me and to keep the important things in our life... suddenly, it all seemed like a no-brainer.
That's just my experience. This man that you are with... he may not be like my ex-ABF. But I just wanted to share my own experience.
I hope you're feeling better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
I'm trying to give him the chance to be clean and hopefully we can rebuild our relationship... but as of right now I really don't even see that happening. He lacks morals, ambition.... and I'm almost certain that he's never actually stopped using. The sad thing is I can never tell... because he's ALWAYS tired, hungry... and slow
But I'm sick and tired of trying to figure it out and not sure I want to "let go" of anything. Perhaps using the resentment and anger to walk away would be the better thing to do...
But I'm sick and tired of trying to figure it out and not sure I want to "let go" of anything. Perhaps using the resentment and anger to walk away would be the better thing to do...
suffering is not a requirement
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: rising above the ashes
Posts: 147
(((CBS)))
Oh I believe I may have written the exact same things at one time.
My AH's (who I am separated from) Doc is Pot.
I minimized the effects of Pot, Until I was hit in the head with it.
Unfortunatley,In hindsight, I saw how slow, uninterested, uninteresting, lazy, forgetful, irresponsible and childish...etc. it made him.
No matter what drug an Addict uses....the age he/she picks up....is the age(emotionally,mentally,spiritually) they stay stuck at.
While most "normal" "Earth people" continue to grow(mature) because they deal with reality...,get through lifes struggles and move on to the next level of growth.... the active addict (not in reality)deals with their problems by using...stays stuck.
Oh I still get baffled by which part of him is the Addict and which part of him is the real HIM.
What boils my blood the most is when him or his family members use "he's an addict" as an excuse for every rotten thing he's ever done and still doing.
Addiction is an illness. Not an Excuse.
I still get baffled by whether using is really is a "choice" or not.
I think it depends on the individual.
I believe addicts have there defects of character before they intially pick up.
i think they just obtain a bunch more after they start using.
So when they get clean..they have to work on their defects of character otherwise...still...."nothing changes if nothing changes".
As far as my anger towards him....i've mellowed out, although I still have flare ups.To me anger is a motivater,,,I don't like being angry so I have to do something positive to get out of it.
Praying helps me(espescially the "Serenity Prayer". Praying for my addict(s) helps too.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing, and I wish you the best
Hugs,
Iamunique
Oh I believe I may have written the exact same things at one time.
My AH's (who I am separated from) Doc is Pot.
I minimized the effects of Pot, Until I was hit in the head with it.
Unfortunatley,In hindsight, I saw how slow, uninterested, uninteresting, lazy, forgetful, irresponsible and childish...etc. it made him.
No matter what drug an Addict uses....the age he/she picks up....is the age(emotionally,mentally,spiritually) they stay stuck at.
While most "normal" "Earth people" continue to grow(mature) because they deal with reality...,get through lifes struggles and move on to the next level of growth.... the active addict (not in reality)deals with their problems by using...stays stuck.
Oh I still get baffled by which part of him is the Addict and which part of him is the real HIM.
What boils my blood the most is when him or his family members use "he's an addict" as an excuse for every rotten thing he's ever done and still doing.
Addiction is an illness. Not an Excuse.
I still get baffled by whether using is really is a "choice" or not.
I think it depends on the individual.
I believe addicts have there defects of character before they intially pick up.
i think they just obtain a bunch more after they start using.
So when they get clean..they have to work on their defects of character otherwise...still...."nothing changes if nothing changes".
As far as my anger towards him....i've mellowed out, although I still have flare ups.To me anger is a motivater,,,I don't like being angry so I have to do something positive to get out of it.
Praying helps me(espescially the "Serenity Prayer". Praying for my addict(s) helps too.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing, and I wish you the best
Hugs,
Iamunique
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i don't know about pot, i think its addictive period. these days there is no telling what kind of chemicals that pot is laced with first of all. then i heard that it was like a gateway drug. just curious, are you sure that its only pot he's smoking. i agree with iamunigue, most people seem to think that pot is basically harmless but i'm not one of them, sorry.
i believe that at first its a choice but to someone that has crossed over to the addictive side, it eventually becomes like a need for the addict. the mind seems to think that it need that substance to function.
i struggle with the trust issues too, i've decided to allow time to tell me what i need to know. i decided that i didn't have to know all the how, whats, whens, and the wheres, i just know that i have to continue to keep the focus on me and allow him to do the same. i have to stay aware. i guess i stop putting so much effort into worring about my marriage for now, its time for me to find healing for me and i know it is impossible to do, as long as you have to relive the past, it gets kind of hard to get over the past.
i guess the best that i can say is that i decided (once my addict began to show recovery), that he was not in his right mind at the time that he was doing all those things, not to excuse him of his actions, but i had to find a way to forgive him. have you gone to any meetings yet? have you found a sponsor who can help you work the steps, i found that working the steps was a key tool, that helped me in forgiving and letting go of the resentments. it all takes time.
ohhhhhhhhhh, i'm sorry, i think i may have got off into rambling. you are welcome to pm me anytime and i hope some of this makes sense.
i believe that at first its a choice but to someone that has crossed over to the addictive side, it eventually becomes like a need for the addict. the mind seems to think that it need that substance to function.
i struggle with the trust issues too, i've decided to allow time to tell me what i need to know. i decided that i didn't have to know all the how, whats, whens, and the wheres, i just know that i have to continue to keep the focus on me and allow him to do the same. i have to stay aware. i guess i stop putting so much effort into worring about my marriage for now, its time for me to find healing for me and i know it is impossible to do, as long as you have to relive the past, it gets kind of hard to get over the past.
i guess the best that i can say is that i decided (once my addict began to show recovery), that he was not in his right mind at the time that he was doing all those things, not to excuse him of his actions, but i had to find a way to forgive him. have you gone to any meetings yet? have you found a sponsor who can help you work the steps, i found that working the steps was a key tool, that helped me in forgiving and letting go of the resentments. it all takes time.
ohhhhhhhhhh, i'm sorry, i think i may have got off into rambling. you are welcome to pm me anytime and i hope some of this makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i believe that pot is addictive as any other drug or other things for that matter. i also believe that lies & bad behavior can just be a persons way of life, wheater they have ever used or not..i can understand your resentments.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I ConcernedBigSis - both my kids are addicts, my daughter's drug of choice is meth, but my son's is pot and alcohol.
So we chased my daughter around and worried and fretted about her addiction. We NOTICED my son was probably smoking pot and drinking, but it seemed so BENIGN in relation to what my daughter was doing.
I think the biggest problem with his use is it is so gradual. Meth is so VIOLENT - users have skin problems, personality disorders, are raging and violent - while pot smokers call themselves "mellow". "Dim" is a better term, I think. Pot addicts end up in the same place as other addicts - just at a different pace.
Like you, I was raised to believe pot was not a drug and was only "psychologically" addictive (what the hell is THAT?). It sounds to me like your "expectation" of your ABF is that he will act and behave like a normie.
Just as an alcoholics spouse may not be able to get their head around the fact that his wife CANNOT drink socially, your ABF CANNOT "smoke socially". Because he is an addict.
My resentments are a direct result of my expectations. For me, changing my expectations releived my pain. In some cases, I've lowered my expectations down to NOTHING.... that helped. It is hard, though, and it is a process. I wish you the best.
(((CBS)))
So we chased my daughter around and worried and fretted about her addiction. We NOTICED my son was probably smoking pot and drinking, but it seemed so BENIGN in relation to what my daughter was doing.
I think the biggest problem with his use is it is so gradual. Meth is so VIOLENT - users have skin problems, personality disorders, are raging and violent - while pot smokers call themselves "mellow". "Dim" is a better term, I think. Pot addicts end up in the same place as other addicts - just at a different pace.
Like you, I was raised to believe pot was not a drug and was only "psychologically" addictive (what the hell is THAT?). It sounds to me like your "expectation" of your ABF is that he will act and behave like a normie.
Just as an alcoholics spouse may not be able to get their head around the fact that his wife CANNOT drink socially, your ABF CANNOT "smoke socially". Because he is an addict.
My resentments are a direct result of my expectations. For me, changing my expectations releived my pain. In some cases, I've lowered my expectations down to NOTHING.... that helped. It is hard, though, and it is a process. I wish you the best.
(((CBS)))
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I guess to me we need to define the term "smoking pot". I see nothing wrong with smoking pot with friends as a normal person would drink wine with friends. I think some people can even be "into" pot like a wine store owner might be "into" wine and it's not a problem. Smoking pot or any other non-productive activity done compulsively is a big problem.
It's interesting to think about tho - we would question someone who traveled all the way to Amsterdam just to smoke good weed. Would we also question someone who traveled to Bourdeux just to sample the best French wines? I know we all would go crazy over someone traveling to Columbia to sample the world's best cocaines lol What's the diff between them? Legal status? Percieved harmfulness? Real harmfulness? Western tradition? Puritain ethics?
It's interesting to think about tho - we would question someone who traveled all the way to Amsterdam just to smoke good weed. Would we also question someone who traveled to Bourdeux just to sample the best French wines? I know we all would go crazy over someone traveling to Columbia to sample the world's best cocaines lol What's the diff between them? Legal status? Percieved harmfulness? Real harmfulness? Western tradition? Puritain ethics?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Concerned,
If you are anything like me, I don't think you're ever going to make headway on dissolving your resentments until he 1) quits lying to you, and 2) makes some kind of effort that indicates he's willing to work just as hard to save your relationship as you are.
In my relationship with XABF, I did all the work, and he did all the lying. It lasted years that way, and did an unimaginable amount of damage to me. I wish I had those years back.
Unless he's willing & able to change something, you will either have to live with your resentments, or let go of this relationship and find someone to be with who you respect. There are those who would say that you should find some ingenius way to get rid of your resentments all the while watching this relationship drain you....more power to them if they can do it.
We all deserve the expectations of respect and happiness.
Love and strength,
GiveLove
If you are anything like me, I don't think you're ever going to make headway on dissolving your resentments until he 1) quits lying to you, and 2) makes some kind of effort that indicates he's willing to work just as hard to save your relationship as you are.
In my relationship with XABF, I did all the work, and he did all the lying. It lasted years that way, and did an unimaginable amount of damage to me. I wish I had those years back.
Unless he's willing & able to change something, you will either have to live with your resentments, or let go of this relationship and find someone to be with who you respect. There are those who would say that you should find some ingenius way to get rid of your resentments all the while watching this relationship drain you....more power to them if they can do it.
We all deserve the expectations of respect and happiness.
Love and strength,
GiveLove
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Thank you everyone.
I don't attend meetings as there are absolutely none in my area, but do have some books that I've been reading.
I don't have any expectations of RAh aside from expecting that I be treated with respect. That I'm not going to change, and don't feel that I should.
Give Love - You are right on. I will not let go of the resentments, until I see a sign of change in him. I will not sit back and continuosly lower my standards and be emotionally drained repeatedly, I'm not that kind of person.
I don't attend meetings as there are absolutely none in my area, but do have some books that I've been reading.
I don't have any expectations of RAh aside from expecting that I be treated with respect. That I'm not going to change, and don't feel that I should.
Give Love - You are right on. I will not let go of the resentments, until I see a sign of change in him. I will not sit back and continuosly lower my standards and be emotionally drained repeatedly, I'm not that kind of person.
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