Need Support Group or Help for our children (siblings of addict)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Fishers Indiana
Posts: 8
Need Support Group or Help for our children (siblings of addict)
Hi,
I am new to this board. After a quick look at the posts it looks like we sadly have alot in common. We've been through the highs and lows of a grown daughter's drug & alcohol addiction for many years now. It's almost to the point we have just given up on her ever hitting rock bottom or making the choice to truly stay clean. She has been in and out of prison and in more rehab programs than we can count at this point. We have brought her home to live when she decided she wanted a change at least 4 times and each time she had to go back to her addiction out of state. She has never used in our home outside of alcohol, but she can't cope with staying for too long either as a result. We no longer provide any financial help or even items of value because she will sell them for drugs. She has Hepatitis C and She's lived on the streets, prison and even died on the table when her heart stopped from a heroine overdose. If that's not rock bottom we just can't imagine what is. She also feels that her choices do not hurt anyone but herself.
We adopted our grandson now age 3 after he was placed in foster care because she showed up at the hospital to deliver high on cocaine. She lives out of state so the adoption required an interstate compact and it took us 11 months to get him out of foster care. Her relationship with him is affected entirely by her addiction. When she is clean for the short bursts she chooses to attend rehab she calls constantly and wants to be involved daily in his life. When she goes back to using she can go months without any concern or a word. We are almost ready to cut off contact.
Now, we are in the process of adopting our second grandchild a little girl also in foster care, 5 weeks old and another interstate compact. Same exact scenario except this time the baby tested positive for cocaine as well. It's heartbreaking! Our greatest concern at this point since we know we have no control or ability to determine any change in our daughter's choices is how she affects our children.
She has two siblings our daughter age 14 and our son age 8 and her hurtfulnes, addiction, and lack of regard have been devastating to them. We also have the concern of our grandchildren who will have so many questions about why Mommy isn't there for them, why Mommy doesn't even know who Daddy is etc. etc.
Our 14 year old seems to be having the most difficulty...she's at the age where she is so embarassed by her sister's actions, choices, the fact that we are raising her children. She is also so very attached to the children and can't bear to see her sister hurting them again and again. She loves her sister dearly, worries for her constantly and can't seem to get past all of the pain she has caused all of us through the years.
She actually said she was ashamed to say it but she wished her sister were dead. Then it was countered with why can't we get her into rehab, bring her home and MAKE HER STAY? We have tried to explain that it isn't our choice, we love her sister and her feelings are normal but we do not have the power to affect her choices in life.
We are hoping to find some kind of support group for the whole family, especially the children. They need to know their feelings are valid and they are not to blame for thier sister (and Mommy's) choices. Any advice would be appreciated. Most of the groups we have found are not in our area and also do not focus on children with addicted siblings, parents etc. email me
I am new to this board. After a quick look at the posts it looks like we sadly have alot in common. We've been through the highs and lows of a grown daughter's drug & alcohol addiction for many years now. It's almost to the point we have just given up on her ever hitting rock bottom or making the choice to truly stay clean. She has been in and out of prison and in more rehab programs than we can count at this point. We have brought her home to live when she decided she wanted a change at least 4 times and each time she had to go back to her addiction out of state. She has never used in our home outside of alcohol, but she can't cope with staying for too long either as a result. We no longer provide any financial help or even items of value because she will sell them for drugs. She has Hepatitis C and She's lived on the streets, prison and even died on the table when her heart stopped from a heroine overdose. If that's not rock bottom we just can't imagine what is. She also feels that her choices do not hurt anyone but herself.
We adopted our grandson now age 3 after he was placed in foster care because she showed up at the hospital to deliver high on cocaine. She lives out of state so the adoption required an interstate compact and it took us 11 months to get him out of foster care. Her relationship with him is affected entirely by her addiction. When she is clean for the short bursts she chooses to attend rehab she calls constantly and wants to be involved daily in his life. When she goes back to using she can go months without any concern or a word. We are almost ready to cut off contact.
Now, we are in the process of adopting our second grandchild a little girl also in foster care, 5 weeks old and another interstate compact. Same exact scenario except this time the baby tested positive for cocaine as well. It's heartbreaking! Our greatest concern at this point since we know we have no control or ability to determine any change in our daughter's choices is how she affects our children.
She has two siblings our daughter age 14 and our son age 8 and her hurtfulnes, addiction, and lack of regard have been devastating to them. We also have the concern of our grandchildren who will have so many questions about why Mommy isn't there for them, why Mommy doesn't even know who Daddy is etc. etc.
Our 14 year old seems to be having the most difficulty...she's at the age where she is so embarassed by her sister's actions, choices, the fact that we are raising her children. She is also so very attached to the children and can't bear to see her sister hurting them again and again. She loves her sister dearly, worries for her constantly and can't seem to get past all of the pain she has caused all of us through the years.
She actually said she was ashamed to say it but she wished her sister were dead. Then it was countered with why can't we get her into rehab, bring her home and MAKE HER STAY? We have tried to explain that it isn't our choice, we love her sister and her feelings are normal but we do not have the power to affect her choices in life.
We are hoping to find some kind of support group for the whole family, especially the children. They need to know their feelings are valid and they are not to blame for thier sister (and Mommy's) choices. Any advice would be appreciated. Most of the groups we have found are not in our area and also do not focus on children with addicted siblings, parents etc. email me
Last edited by Morning Glory; 03-14-2007 at 01:52 PM. Reason: removed email address-please use the email to a friend feature
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
Soul - Welcome, it sounds like you and your family have been through and awlful lot. I have no answers but I wanted to say hello and to stick around. People who are better informed than I am will be around to help. Good luck to you and your family.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, i am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through all of this. you are a caring mom and grandma, it is so sad to see all the children being affected so badly. have you checked any of the churches, a lot of times i was able to take all of my kids with me to the meetings held at local churches. have you tried counseling for the kids. i pray that your daughter finds her way soon. keeping all or you in my prayers and a special prayer for all of your kids and grandkids.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Cape Town - South Africa
Posts: 36
I know exactly what your daughter is feeling! I am 16 and when i was twelve, by brother was 14, he started using. Ive grown up with my brothers addiction. It is so hard. I was embarresed by my brother, who was always shouting! My friends never came over to visit! I also didnt want them to visit. Im so sorry that i have to say this: you daughter will soon get used to it, shell find her own way to block everything out, when she gets a but older she'll probably spend very little time at home. This some of the stuff i did.
Heres some advice: let her go out often with her friends but always check up on them because she will probably rebel. Always know where she is going! Give her space but always let her know that you are there for her. Try get her to find a hobbie. Mine was music. I would sit in my room and play guitar and listen to music all day. I channeled everything into music.
If you need anything else, please let me know. I would love to chat!
Heres some advice: let her go out often with her friends but always check up on them because she will probably rebel. Always know where she is going! Give her space but always let her know that you are there for her. Try get her to find a hobbie. Mine was music. I would sit in my room and play guitar and listen to music all day. I channeled everything into music.
If you need anything else, please let me know. I would love to chat!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Fishers Indiana
Posts: 8
Thanks so much for the warm welcome
Thanks to all of you for the warm welcome. Mish99 Thank you for your post. I will share it with my daughter because she is feeling guilty about being embarassed and angry with her sister. It will help her to know other kids have grown through this and felt the same way. The only positive in our household is that our addict is not in our home or even our home state. Then again it means we are always wondering if she's okay and when she'll turn up. We have to depend on friends who live in her state to keep us informed. I guess that is probably true of all addict's families though. If we are unable to find any meetings for families I'm hopeful we can feel we are not going crazy with all of the mixed emotions by hearing and sharing on this board.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. Here you will find that we are willing to walk with you through the problems and joys.
Please see if there are any Alateen meetings in your area. There your daughter will find others in the 'same boat' so to speak. She will find peers that have a parent or a sibling that is in the throes of alcoholism or addiction, and her peers will walk with her and help her get through it.
Hope that helps a bit.
Also as to the 8 year old, unfortunately he's too young for alateen, however, you might check with your county mental health and see if they have any child therapists that might be able to work with him on a "sliding fee basis."
I would also suggest that for your grandchildren that you have adopted, when they ask about mommy, just keep it simple...."mommy is sick." "Hopefully someday she will be well, but right now she is sick."
Soulmate, there is always HOPE. I didn't get sober and clean until 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. My parents had totally shut the door on me when I was 33 1/2, told me not to call they would hang up, not to come to the door, it would be closed in my face. They stuck to their boundaries. I went 2 1/2 more years deeper in the HELL of addiction.
If I can come back from the dead and live a sober and clean life for these many years now, there is certainly HOPE for your daughter.
I would also suggest that you try some Alanon or Naranon meetings, at least 6, for you. They helped me tremendously when my sponsor strongly suggested to me at 3 years sober that I also start attending Alanon, lol.
I am glad you found SR, but sorry for the reasons it is necessary. Again welcome to SR.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
It will help her to know other kids have grown through this and felt the same way.
Hope that helps a bit.
Also as to the 8 year old, unfortunately he's too young for alateen, however, you might check with your county mental health and see if they have any child therapists that might be able to work with him on a "sliding fee basis."
I would also suggest that for your grandchildren that you have adopted, when they ask about mommy, just keep it simple...."mommy is sick." "Hopefully someday she will be well, but right now she is sick."
Soulmate, there is always HOPE. I didn't get sober and clean until 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. My parents had totally shut the door on me when I was 33 1/2, told me not to call they would hang up, not to come to the door, it would be closed in my face. They stuck to their boundaries. I went 2 1/2 more years deeper in the HELL of addiction.
If I can come back from the dead and live a sober and clean life for these many years now, there is certainly HOPE for your daughter.
I would also suggest that you try some Alanon or Naranon meetings, at least 6, for you. They helped me tremendously when my sponsor strongly suggested to me at 3 years sober that I also start attending Alanon, lol.
I am glad you found SR, but sorry for the reasons it is necessary. Again welcome to SR.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Alateen is a great suggestion. You may also want to check with the guidance dept at her school, they'll have suggestions as well.
You have made a wonderful choice in wanting to adopt your grand children, yet a choice filled with so much yet to come for all of you, I hope you and your husband are also seeking some kind of outside help for you both. I am glad you are here, wonderful people and alot of parents here, I'm sure you'll be able to learn and receive so much by others going through the same thing.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
You have made a wonderful choice in wanting to adopt your grand children, yet a choice filled with so much yet to come for all of you, I hope you and your husband are also seeking some kind of outside help for you both. I am glad you are here, wonderful people and alot of parents here, I'm sure you'll be able to learn and receive so much by others going through the same thing.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
i think you are in the right place. i am the father of an as age 20. he has two brothers one 21 the other 17. they are both devasted and unprepared to deal with his addiction. detachment with love is much tougher for them if that is even possible. they just have'nt put as much effort into it as they should. they want go to allateen but have been to a few aftercare meetings. if your daughter would attend i think it would help alot. the posts on this board really help my wife and i and we have shared the board with my other two sons. i hope their at least reading. i think it will be a great start for you and your family. there are a lot of folks on here that have been where you are now.
i pray for you and your family
take care laketime
i pray for you and your family
take care laketime
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I know how you feel my sister was recently sent to jail for 6-9mos for DWI's. She left 3 kids behind who are angry, embarassed. Ages 14, 12, 9 well the 12 and 9 will be 13 and 10 next week. They dont really want their friends to know and really dont know what to do. I offered them all counseling which one wanted to go. I took her to her appt and the counselor is young and very easy for her to talk to and let it all out without fear of getting in trouble. The school counselor is also VERY helpful and meets with them weekly. The counseling works with children with anger issues and really seems to help alot with someone to talk to. Also I didnt know but the school counselor has a person comes in who works at a rehab and deals with addicts and alcoholics and she comes to the school and meets with the kids and explains things at their age level to help them understand. Check with the school these are all things I didnt even know about til I asked. The drug and alcohol counselor meets with them one on one and answers all their ?'s and understands the consequences and the problems that the addicts have. Another helpful thing. Check with rehabs in your area to see if they have programs like that set up. Helps them so see they arent alone and to understand addiction to a degree. PM me if you want maybe I can help some. Confusing and frustrating all at once. I'm letting go of the anger but still very hard the destruction that is left is hard to clean up.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm glad you found this site...I know how difficult it is to have a child who is an addict. It's painful for all of us who love an addict and equally painful for their siblings; I don't mean that one situation is more or less painful than another. Understanding the pull of this disease is so difficult when it seems as if it might just be a matter of deciding to stop. I too thought an overdose would be the point where my child would be able to battle beyond the demons, but it wasn't. I saw her fighting it; I could see it and the pain she was in, but total surrender to powerlessness over the drugs seems to be so hard to get to. In some ways I am grateful that she no longer has to fight a constant fight and feel the shame and pain and guilt that addiction brings. I can certianly understand how your daughter feels...wishing it was over somehow yet not really wanting her sister to die. I wish our kids didn't have to expereince such heartache.
I agree that Alateen is a wonderful suggestion for your children and if you can find Alanon or Naranon for yourself, it would be wonderful support. I have become so close to so many members of my home group and feel that is where I can truly be myself.
Thank you for fighting to adopt your grandchildren. There are several members here who have done so or care for nieces and nephews. I consider you are guardian angels of our precious children and I am so grateful for you.
Hugs and prayers.
I agree that Alateen is a wonderful suggestion for your children and if you can find Alanon or Naranon for yourself, it would be wonderful support. I have become so close to so many members of my home group and feel that is where I can truly be myself.
Thank you for fighting to adopt your grandchildren. There are several members here who have done so or care for nieces and nephews. I consider you are guardian angels of our precious children and I am so grateful for you.
Hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 33
Check out this link: http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
This is a group that I have just joined. I have a twelve year old and they mentioned some literature for teens. I also noticed that you can start your own group.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you and your family. Keep coming back and posting.
This is a group that I have just joined. I have a twelve year old and they mentioned some literature for teens. I also noticed that you can start your own group.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you and your family. Keep coming back and posting.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Welcome! Lots of goooood advice above me. I am the mom of 2 addicts - 1 sober, 1 not.
What helped me is Alanon... lots and lots.
Other helpful hints --
Naranon or CODA meetings
Reading the sticky (permanent posts) at the top of the forums
Open AA/NA meetings
Speaker tapes/cds (put the term Speaker tape AA in any search engine)
Reading: Codependent No More (Melodie Beattie), Under the Influence by Milam & Ketchum and Beyond the Influence by Ketchum
Attending AA/Alanon Conferences & Retreats
Today, I am not the frightened, terrified, angry, fearful, hurting woman I was 3 years ago. The main thing that has changed is doing the things on that list.
I wish you well.
((hugs))
What helped me is Alanon... lots and lots.
Other helpful hints --
Naranon or CODA meetings
Reading the sticky (permanent posts) at the top of the forums
Open AA/NA meetings
Speaker tapes/cds (put the term Speaker tape AA in any search engine)
Reading: Codependent No More (Melodie Beattie), Under the Influence by Milam & Ketchum and Beyond the Influence by Ketchum
Attending AA/Alanon Conferences & Retreats
Today, I am not the frightened, terrified, angry, fearful, hurting woman I was 3 years ago. The main thing that has changed is doing the things on that list.
I wish you well.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Cape Town - South Africa
Posts: 36
Im glad to be of help. I dont wish this on anyone. What i have been through is hard.
If your daughter ever wants to chat.....im always willing. If you want my email just ask. It can be about anything at all!
If your daughter ever wants to chat.....im always willing. If you want my email just ask. It can be about anything at all!
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
(((Soul)))
And what a wonderful soul you have, I can see it shining up here in Canada. Bless you for taking those children. My only daughter 29 is my addict. I just discovered in May that she is a junkie. She was a RN, working at a local hospital.....and now she is a hooker, homeless, track marks and all.
I am currently raising my wonderful 12 year old grandson, who saw so much more than any child should have to!!! I was a divorced mom, and it's sooo scary raising another one alone. But thanks to this board, I've remained somewhat sane...(maybe)...lol.
Anyway, just wanted to welcome you to SR!!! Sorry you have to be here, but welcome with open arms.
And what a wonderful soul you have, I can see it shining up here in Canada. Bless you for taking those children. My only daughter 29 is my addict. I just discovered in May that she is a junkie. She was a RN, working at a local hospital.....and now she is a hooker, homeless, track marks and all.
I am currently raising my wonderful 12 year old grandson, who saw so much more than any child should have to!!! I was a divorced mom, and it's sooo scary raising another one alone. But thanks to this board, I've remained somewhat sane...(maybe)...lol.
Anyway, just wanted to welcome you to SR!!! Sorry you have to be here, but welcome with open arms.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Fishers Indiana
Posts: 8
Thanks again to everyone for all of the great advice. Hubby and I are going to check out the local Naranon meeting and I'm trying to find a local alateen meeting for our daughter. In the meantime we are sharing all of the information we have learned so far on SR with the kids. It helps for them to feel like all of these emotions are normal and to know that we can't take on their sister's baggage.
The grandkids thankfully are still so young, we really are not dealing with anything from them yet. We know it will come down the line as they get old enough to ask questions. We try to give them a stable environment and all the love they need hoping that they will not feel as thrown by everything they learn about mom and the past when the time comes.
Talked to our addict daughter yesterday (still don't know the abbreviations) and she is in her calling every day, my life is great because I'm going to do rehab mode. We are happy for her and hope that she actually sticks it out this time, but we have learned not to place too much hope in her recovery.
We tried talking with her about the kids having a rough time with all of this and that she will have to stay clean for the next year (While she's still on probation out of state) for us to even consider moving her out here into our home. We know when the time comes she has the potential to do so much damage to our kids and especially hers when they get attached, then she decides she can't cope and walks away (We've done it four times before and just don't know if we have it in us to do it again even if she's clean) The sad part is that because she is limited in income and ability with Hep C etc. if we don't consider it, she won't ever know the kids. Honestly though there are more days than not lately that we don't think that is all bad.
Anyway sorry to ramble but she copped an angry attitude with us for even saying her actions affect our family and not just her. We know that's to be expected, but it still bothers us.
She has also told us that the new baby we are adopting was the product of rape. We don't know if we believe it or not. She wants us to tell the baby everything about how she came into the world when she's old enough and we think that is a terrible thing for a child to live with.
Looking forward to some support for a change. Thanks so much to all of you. Mish99 I'm going to ask my 14 year old if she'd like to email you. I appreciate your willingness to talk with her, I think she's feeling like she's the only one with these issues because our community is not open about these problems. Thanks again everyone!
The grandkids thankfully are still so young, we really are not dealing with anything from them yet. We know it will come down the line as they get old enough to ask questions. We try to give them a stable environment and all the love they need hoping that they will not feel as thrown by everything they learn about mom and the past when the time comes.
Talked to our addict daughter yesterday (still don't know the abbreviations) and she is in her calling every day, my life is great because I'm going to do rehab mode. We are happy for her and hope that she actually sticks it out this time, but we have learned not to place too much hope in her recovery.
We tried talking with her about the kids having a rough time with all of this and that she will have to stay clean for the next year (While she's still on probation out of state) for us to even consider moving her out here into our home. We know when the time comes she has the potential to do so much damage to our kids and especially hers when they get attached, then she decides she can't cope and walks away (We've done it four times before and just don't know if we have it in us to do it again even if she's clean) The sad part is that because she is limited in income and ability with Hep C etc. if we don't consider it, she won't ever know the kids. Honestly though there are more days than not lately that we don't think that is all bad.
Anyway sorry to ramble but she copped an angry attitude with us for even saying her actions affect our family and not just her. We know that's to be expected, but it still bothers us.
She has also told us that the new baby we are adopting was the product of rape. We don't know if we believe it or not. She wants us to tell the baby everything about how she came into the world when she's old enough and we think that is a terrible thing for a child to live with.
Looking forward to some support for a change. Thanks so much to all of you. Mish99 I'm going to ask my 14 year old if she'd like to email you. I appreciate your willingness to talk with her, I think she's feeling like she's the only one with these issues because our community is not open about these problems. Thanks again everyone!
Last edited by soulm8salways; 03-15-2007 at 11:16 AM. Reason: put into paragraphs easier to read
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Fishers Indiana
Posts: 8
Update
Hi, Just a quick update. Our Addict daughter called again last night and for once admitted she has been responsible for harm to others outside of herself. She asked to talk with our 14 year old daughter who has been struggling with all of this and she apologized to her for all of the pain she has caused and told her she loved her. I think it was good that our addict daughter got to hear the pain in our 14 year old daughter's voice and see how sad she is about her sister's choices as she was crying on the phone.
Our addict daughter is already asking us whether she can move out here to be with her children if she gets her act together this next year and sticks to it.
We have made it clear that we can not make any promises at this point and that it will take her remaining clean over this next year for us to consider it. In other words she can not go through rehab, stay clean for two weeks and move out here to turn our world upside down again.
We were straight with her about our expectations and boundaries. We were also straight with her about our rules and feelings about her involvement with both our children and hers. We made it clear that we love her dearly but we must protect our children, even if that means protecting them from her.
At first she took the stance of why go through all of this if we weren't going to consider letting her move out here to be with her children. We told her getting clean can not be about us, or your children. Getting clean should be something you do for yourself, then your children, then your family in that order.
So we'll see how things progress. She has been moved out of her drug area by a friend willing to help. She has been clean outside of minor alchohal use for almost two weeks, which is not unusual for her (three weeks is usually her max) And she goes in for an evaluation for rehab this next week and they will decide inpatient or outpatient, halfway house etc. following rehab. She's done all of this many times and she doesn't make it to following her program after rehab. We'll see!
We just decided we weren't going to soften our feelings any more. She needed to know that it isn't just about her anymore. That she is responsible for her choices and actions, and wellbeing, and we are responsible for ours come what may.
Our addict daughter is already asking us whether she can move out here to be with her children if she gets her act together this next year and sticks to it.
We have made it clear that we can not make any promises at this point and that it will take her remaining clean over this next year for us to consider it. In other words she can not go through rehab, stay clean for two weeks and move out here to turn our world upside down again.
We were straight with her about our expectations and boundaries. We were also straight with her about our rules and feelings about her involvement with both our children and hers. We made it clear that we love her dearly but we must protect our children, even if that means protecting them from her.
At first she took the stance of why go through all of this if we weren't going to consider letting her move out here to be with her children. We told her getting clean can not be about us, or your children. Getting clean should be something you do for yourself, then your children, then your family in that order.
So we'll see how things progress. She has been moved out of her drug area by a friend willing to help. She has been clean outside of minor alchohal use for almost two weeks, which is not unusual for her (three weeks is usually her max) And she goes in for an evaluation for rehab this next week and they will decide inpatient or outpatient, halfway house etc. following rehab. She's done all of this many times and she doesn't make it to following her program after rehab. We'll see!
We just decided we weren't going to soften our feelings any more. She needed to know that it isn't just about her anymore. That she is responsible for her choices and actions, and wellbeing, and we are responsible for ours come what may.
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