Just wondering
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Just wondering
I've been struggling with this for awhile now, and would appreciate any opinions. It's personal so I'm not really sure where to begin or how to word this.
When RAH and I first got together our sex life was great, we always seemed to click romantically and had alot of intimacy. As our relationship progressed and I realized that he had a drug problem; all of that changed. With every lie I became more withdrawn. Now for the last year and a half or more he has slept on the couch. I cringe when he tries to get close. I cannot look at him in that way anymore, I'm afraid to get close again because I fear I'll just be crushed over and over again. When he tries to get close I just feel disgusted and end up feeling horrible for feeling that way. We have been intimate, but every time that we are I feel as though I'm forcing myself to be.
I don't want to continue on like this because I feel that it's unfair to both of us. BUT I just cannot seem to get over it. Our daughter sleeps in our bed with me because I can't bear the thought of him trying to climb into bed with me. I literally break down and cry if he tries. We've talked about this countless times and he's so sweet and understanding about it...which just breaks my heart because I feel so horrible that I cannot get over it.
Has anyone else experienced this? How can I get past this and recover our intimacy?
When RAH and I first got together our sex life was great, we always seemed to click romantically and had alot of intimacy. As our relationship progressed and I realized that he had a drug problem; all of that changed. With every lie I became more withdrawn. Now for the last year and a half or more he has slept on the couch. I cringe when he tries to get close. I cannot look at him in that way anymore, I'm afraid to get close again because I fear I'll just be crushed over and over again. When he tries to get close I just feel disgusted and end up feeling horrible for feeling that way. We have been intimate, but every time that we are I feel as though I'm forcing myself to be.
I don't want to continue on like this because I feel that it's unfair to both of us. BUT I just cannot seem to get over it. Our daughter sleeps in our bed with me because I can't bear the thought of him trying to climb into bed with me. I literally break down and cry if he tries. We've talked about this countless times and he's so sweet and understanding about it...which just breaks my heart because I feel so horrible that I cannot get over it.
Has anyone else experienced this? How can I get past this and recover our intimacy?
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
(((CONCERNED))))
I don't know what will do it for you or if things will change for you but the first thing for me was that he get clean and work a program. It wasn't about me holding sex or intimacy back from him as punishment, it was about not having one little iota of desire to touch him. once he started his program and started showing me a some clean time, I started to get the desire back.
I also had to let go of the resentments that I was holding against him. And believe me, I was holding quite a few. It took a while but I let go of them.
Only when you are ready to, should you be intimate with him.
I don't know what will do it for you or if things will change for you but the first thing for me was that he get clean and work a program. It wasn't about me holding sex or intimacy back from him as punishment, it was about not having one little iota of desire to touch him. once he started his program and started showing me a some clean time, I started to get the desire back.
I also had to let go of the resentments that I was holding against him. And believe me, I was holding quite a few. It took a while but I let go of them.
Only when you are ready to, should you be intimate with him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I know that even with my husband who is not an addict that there are times that I will hold a resentment about something that I perceive that he has or has not done for me. When I am feeling that way it is a struggle to feel intimate. Also recently with my broken knee I have needed help with a lot of stuff like dressing and showering. Feeling like a child instead of an adult does not make me feel very romantic. When addicts are using they are like children. I don't know if either of these situations apply, but I think even in normal relationships there is an ebb and flow when it comes to intimacy. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
He is not in recovery, but has been clean for 3 months now. He refuses to work any sort of program, which I do have some trouble accepting because I think it means he's not fully willing to quit/recover. I feel that without a program he will continue to have the addict attitude even if he is clean, so far that appears to be the case.
I'm also having trouble letting go of the resentments.
I'm also having trouble letting go of the resentments.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
concernbigsis, you sound like me, and your ah sounds a lot like mine, 3mos clean. i think, he is working a program and i still have that problem. like you, i don't want to be hurt as bad as before, so i feel like i have to guard my own heart. i know that i have to work through all of the resentments and the trust issues, for myself. i have explained this to my ah and because i want to do better but maybe not as fast as i or him would like, i decided to let him decide whether or not he was willing to continue to work on the relationship even though i may not be quite ready yet.
you guys told me to be true to myself, that it was not me who cause all the mistrust, so i decided to take it one day at a time while i continue to watch his actions and work on my own resentments. i do what i can but my feelings matter to me, and i do have a right to have them. i decided that i could no longer put my happiness before his. i think that it just takes time. i sure hope this makes sense. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
you guys told me to be true to myself, that it was not me who cause all the mistrust, so i decided to take it one day at a time while i continue to watch his actions and work on my own resentments. i do what i can but my feelings matter to me, and i do have a right to have them. i decided that i could no longer put my happiness before his. i think that it just takes time. i sure hope this makes sense. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
Let me grow up.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
I thought I was the only one who felt physically detached when I was dating my AGF. For me, it was all the lies and not exactly knowing what she'd done in the streets that killed the intimacy. I was able to recover because when she began her recovery I vowed to come into the relationship anew myself. I wasn't going to hold a grudge or imprint on her an active drug addict where she no longer was.
It's a difficult thing and only you know if you'll be able to get past the mental/emotional block that's been built. Remember, the physical doesn't mean nearly as much if there is no spiritual connection. When the trust and respect goes often times so does the passion and desire. I hope you can work through this, sweetie. Hugs!
It's a difficult thing and only you know if you'll be able to get past the mental/emotional block that's been built. Remember, the physical doesn't mean nearly as much if there is no spiritual connection. When the trust and respect goes often times so does the passion and desire. I hope you can work through this, sweetie. Hugs!
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