Guinevere

Friends, in postings that I read yesterday, people wrote about boundaries established for addicts that may be living at home. I would like to know what some of you with experience set as boundaries.

I would also like to know what are some ways that you are good to yourself.

Thanks so much for any suggestions.

teke

boundaries that was set for me were at first all crossed from time to time but i got stronger in my recovery, i learned the importance of not setting boundaries that i was not able to back up.

no bingeing and no useing around me at all

when he brought no money home, i had none to give or lend

no covering for him concerning work, family and friends

no bails

these boundaries were solely for me, and they were what i had to do for myself as to not go lose my sanity, they were in no way manipulative.

i was able to add on as i got stronger in my recovery.
i came up with a plan to become self sufficient, accepted the fact that there was nothing that i could do to help my ah, and began to focus on me and the kids. coming here helped me to learn how to do this, alanon meetings. i'm learning to allow ah to live the life he wants as long as he don't do it around us if it is to effect us and the way we live.

i stopped asking questions and tried not to put myself in the position to where he could make me any more promises that he could not keep.

tropikgal2

My most important boundary is this: that if he relapses he will move out. If he doesn't move out peaceably I already know the legal steps I can take to have him removed. Now I know (in retrospect) that when my RAH is using he treats me like absolute crap and frankly, I WON'T put up with that because I DON'T deserve it. End of story.

jeepgirl

I think it is important to only state boundaries that you can keep. I have been guilty of a fuzzy line, and it did get us in trouble. Here were mine, and I think all were broken, hence, no more living at home.
My firm boundaries were:
no stealing
no using

My soft boundaries (I gave some flexibility here- time to get it together - what was I thinking?)
attend NA meetings
get a sponsor
get a job and/or go to school
be responsible for your own cost of living

So, she choose the hard way, out on her own.
jeepgirl

cece1960

Boundaries did wonders for me when I made it about him, and allowed him his choices.
No guilt if they were broken and I had to enforce, and it allowed my son the opportunity to stay under my roof, should he choose to.
I think I hated threatening to give him the boot, because I really didn't want to have to.
So for me it became:
I will not allow drugs in my home, or high persons
I will no longer live in chaos
I will no longer live in constant worry
I will no longer deplete my savings for his mistakes (fines and the like, and bail if it came to that)
I will no longer have things stolen from me
While they may sound fuzzy, I reserved the right to say "enough" without explaination, terms or bargaining.
I wanted to add a "program" to the list, but how he chose to find recovery was non of my business, so I simply told him that if his plan "A" didn't work out, he had better have a solid plan "B", such as a program.
For some reason, when I knew he understood, I rested easier
I put it on a back shef to worry about if and when necessary.
Prior to that, I was obsessing about the boundaries as much as him.
(((hugs)))
Cece

GiveLove

Guinevere,

I wanted to answer your other thought, about how we were good to ourselves.

I started to force myself to go to events, places, classes, anywhere, with the aim of meeting people who had the same interests I did (animals, movies, writing, travel, etc.). I gave myself the gift of friendships that helped build me a support system away from my addict(s). I gave myself the gift of connection with other healthy human beings.

I took a half-hour of quiet time EVERY morning to think, walk, write, or whatever I needed to start my day from a place of peace. I'd never done that before....my life was always crazy.

I started going to the library. I read books, took out films I wanted to watch, listened to books on tape in the car on the way to work. I gave myself the gift of learning that there was a huge world out there, outside of addiction & addicts. I especially loved Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet: Ten Daily Practices for a Happier Life" I practiced them until I got good at them.

I took myself out to dinner at least once a month, even if I had to save a dollar a day to do it.

I wrote in a journal. I learned about myself -- what *I* wanted to have happen in this life, what I felt, what I loved, what made me cry. I made friend with me.

These were the main things.

Hugs and support to you,
GiveLove

MsPINKAcres

Ways I am good to me . . .

I don't have to participate in an activity or go somewhere if it makes me uncomfortable just because society says it is what I'm "suppose" to do.
If I don't want to go to a family function for a holiday when there will be behaviors that make me uncomfortable, I don't have to go. I also don't have to try to fix them either - I can just say "I'm not going to able to make it today" Then spend the day at home doing something nice & relaxing for me.

That is the best way to take care of me. Knowing it's ok to say "No" & not feel guilty about it.

Guess that kinda is a boundary & self-care.

I always love reading stuff about boundaries & self-care - I always need that reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.
Thanks,
Rita

Brownie

Thanks GiveLove: You are doing really good things for yourself - and are a fine example for the rest of us. I do have some good things I do for myself but it's good to get a "reminder"

newblue82

When I was with my AGF my boundaries were simple. Under no circumstances was she to bring drugs or drug users to our home. When she violated that boundary I left. As for being good to myself, she was the only one working at the time so while she was on one of her sprees (in my vehicle) I ordered a whole bunch of pay-per-view movies. I know it was wrong of me but at the time I just didn't care. A bubble bath, some R&B, a pizza, and a glass of wine always used to top my nights.

GiveLove

newblue,

That makes me want to pour a bubble bath, put on some R&B, light some candles, pour a glass of wine, and cut a slice of pizza to take into the tub with me. Darn....I need one of those bath trays to hold everything......

Everybody - take good care of yourselves. It makes all the difference in the world in how much strength you have to keep fighting the good fight against addiction's evil power.

Love,
Me