Barbdee

Maybe it's not so off-topic, since most addicts come from dysfunctional families. But would appreciate any advice.
My sis and her hubby took my son RAS out to dinner for his 30th BD. Her hubby told the hostess they would need a highchair for my son. Then berated him about his handshake, the clothes he was wearing, his lack of a shave, etc. His intent was to prepare him for job interviews, but my son just wanted to run out of the restaurant. He felt like he was on trial, even worse than on an interview. It was "supposed" to be a dinner to celebrate his bd and talk about jobs during dinner.
I tried to explain that to sis and she took it totally wrong and never wants to hear from me ever again. She's been telling my mom for years that she doesn't "like" me and can never be my friend. And I certainly don't like her husband, though I try very hard not to show it.
I'm quite upset about losing my only sister and my mom's upset since she is always in the middle. Do I respect sis's wishes and never contact her again or continue to try to work out the probs?
It might be just easier to get over it and lose a sis. I don't know. They are both HS teachers and treat everyone like they are students. You know, that "talking down to you thing"?
I know there are alot of teachers here online, is that a normal prob for teachers? Being able to deal with equals as such and not as students?
Obviously, I'm hurting alot today and just don't know what to do.
Appreciate any advice.
Love, SM

teke

i have 5 sisters and brothers we have arguments and disagreements all the time, don't you think that she'll be okay eventually. try not to focus on what others think of you, you know in your heart who you are and so do your hp. sorry that your son didn't enjoy his birthday out.

BigSis

If you let your sis run over you and treat your son badly... what benefit is there to having her in your life?

Your boundary of not talking with her does not have to be forever... but it sure sounds like a good idea right now.

Earth people (Ann's term...smile) do not understand addiction... even Earth People Teachers. I was an Earth Person at one time, and I was a miserable sister-in-law to my husband's sis....because I believed in my heart they had made some MAJOR errors in raising their meth addicted son.

... until BOTH my kids developed addiction.

PS - My sister-in-law has not once mentioned what a bitch I was... she is a kind and wonderful woman who did the best she knew how to do with what she knew at the time. Just like the rest of us.

I am sorry your sis is being mean... but I can't see the benefit for you to continue to be around her during this already stressful time.

And tell your son... *I* am very proud of him. Very. (((hugs)))

mynemisis

I think that life is so short and you cannot get change the past. you can change the future. if i have an argument i try to imagine what it would be like if i never saw that person again and something terrible then happened leaving me with the memory that the last thing i said was in anger...i cant say that i have always managed to put this philosophy into practise but i honestly believe that if you love your sister then you do need to stay in contact with her. find a way to approach her which will not provoke an argument so that you can get your foot in the door and maybe broach the subject of your son in a more positive way, instead of the way we all do it...myself included which is to accuse and point the finger of blame....not an easy scenario for you i am sure...

i hope maybe this can help in some way.

nevergivingup

I've actually lost contact with alot of my family in the past couple of years. For me, it just came to a point where having them in my life caused too much anxiety. Even to this day, the one or two times I've interacted with them have caused such chaos, pain and disappointment, that I choose to not allow them in my life. But, that's a personal decision. It's actually something I've never regreted. I love them very much and keep them in my prayers and pray that they are happy and healthy, but do not wish to speak to them. But, it took me a loooong time to come to that point. Alot in between that was setting boundaries like..... if you insult me I will leave, If you lie to me I will leave, etc. Set some boundaries that you are comfortable with. You teach others how to treat you! JMO!

bookmiser

((((SM))))

My sister and I aren't talking right now, either.
It was over something I felt strongly about.
Her as, his gf, and her child, are living in my sister's tiny apartment, with her and her 5 yo gs.
I told her not to let "them" stay long, and definitely not to let them use her car.
She just got this car after not having one for almost a year. She has been depending on everyone around her to give her rides.
Sure enough, she tells me that the "check engine" light came on it.
I told her to have it looked out asap.
The very next day, she allows them to take the car out. It breaks down.
what'dya know, there's no insurance on it. The car was impounded, and then she calls me to help her get it out.
I told her no. They shouldn't have been driving it, and if had happened to her, I would have no trouble "helping".
Was I wrong? Maybe.
Do I feel bad? Most definitely.
Have I tried to contact her? No way.
We are both codependent with our A's and I have worked dilligently (sp?) to change my behavior. I have also given her literature and tried to support her learning about the 12 steps, and working on her own recovery. She's not ready. Don't get me wrong. I mess up. Alot. Just read my thread. lol
Eventually, I'll call her, but for now, I have enough to deal with because of my own addict. Plus, I feel she's still upset with me. Calling would make it worse, imho.
Does this help? I hope so.
Keep the faith that things will turn out between you both.
Sending prayers up for you and your family. Especially your son. Lots of hugs.
He's tryin'. They gotta give him credit for that.
Btw, my hubby sounds alot like your bil. He has to give his thoughts on the whole addiction thing, and he knows nothing about it. He's never even smoked a cigarette. That story's for another time.
Take care of you.
Linda

Barbdee

Good point, Big Sis, I'm just realizing that this all comes down to how they treated my son. Not the phone call afterwards where they gave me my marching orders after the dinner was done. (get him a shirt and tie, he's taking this day off...not asking, just demanding) BTW, we have dressed RAS from head to toe for every interview he's gone on....it was quite insulting to me to be "told" how to do that, like a little child who doesn't know any better.
But RAS is only 2 months clean and if it were me, I would have walked out of the restaurant, the minute they said he needed a high chair. But RAS is very shy and just "took it" for the full 1 and a half hours or however long it was.
I told RAS that YOU were proud of him, and he really appreciates that. With only 2 months clean, he's still quite vunerable, even though he calls himself "iron man"...nothing can EVER make him use again, he says! He was totally weird on his bd (the day after the dinner) and I kept calling everyone to make sure he was okay and it was all because of my sis and her hubby.
He finally got a sponsor, a home group and is off probation at the Oxford House. We think he is doing great. He says he's never been happier....except for dealing with messed up family members. :-)
So maybe it is better that she is out of my life, for the time being. The only hard part is my mom, my best friend, wants us to be like her and her sister, my aunt. We never were, never will be. Think mom is finally starting to "get" that fact.
Thx so much from me and RAS!

pjbs55

((SM)))
As the saying goes you can choose your friends but are stuck with your family. That is so true. I have a older brother, that I have not seen or spoken to in 21 years. My sister I have not seen or spoken to in 15 years. It hurts at times, but man I am better off with my friends instead of my screwed up family. We all wish we could have the happy family, but it doesn't happen all the time.
I am proud of your son for staying there and taking it, I would have told them to pound sand and left after I ordered. Good luck saying prayers for you and your son

Brownie

My son is a teacher and when I hear him say -"I HEAR what you're saying" the Way his says it makes me feel his has heard "me". It's so nice to be heard.

dollydo

Sometimes in life we need to step back for awhile...I had to do this with my brother, he was married to a nut case and, I could not watch it continue.

The result was he divorced her, contacted me and we resumed out relationship.It is stronger than ever, we never stopped loving each other.

It was my decision and I do not regret it for one moment....It was what I had to do for me.

Barbdee

One of my sis's students hung themselves yesterday and she said it made her realize how tenuous life is and she shouldn't spend a minute of it being angry at anyone.
She apologized for being mean to me and RAS and all is well now.
Guess you can imagine how much that means to me...I was trying to pretend it didn't bother me, but it did.
I've noticed lately how many people are having tragedies, illnesses, etc. that totally wakes them up....an "aha" moment.
Praying for "aha" moments for all our addicts.
Love, SM

parentrecovers

i think most families are dysfunctional in one way or the other? too many folks with too much going on not to be...

when my family is in a crisis or situation, we always remind each other - "there are no right or wrong answers". as long as we are caring and respectful of each other, that is.

blessings, k