Feeling uneasy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Feeling uneasy
MY AH has 10 days completely sober. I must say he's been doing really well these last ten days. He was supposed to start his treatment appointments (of his own choosing) tonight. Now my AH just called, and it sounds like he's trying to get out of going to rehab.
He had called early this morning and said he saw some compost he wanted to get after work before his rehab appt then he would just go from there to rehab without taking a shower. Now he is saying that he thinks he'll just go early tomorrow and not go at all today. He is saying he is getting off work early tomorrow to go to the doctor (appt at 2pm) and then has an appt with a counselor at 4:30 at rehab and he will just make up for time missed there today tomorrow. I said, I didn't know it worked that way, and he said he is not court ordered to go, so it doesn't matter. Then proceeded to say that he is doing fine and doesn't need to go unless I just want him to waste our money (not covered under insurance).
OK, so he has 10 days sober. Big deal?? Now he won't answer the phone. Who knows, maybe he can stay sober on his own...but 10 days sober and thinking he's fine means next week he will think it's ok to have a beer and be fine then, a week after that he will think that he can do just one hit and he'll be fine. Then right back where we started.
I'm so confused right now. Should I insist he go to his appt tonight? I told him after he chose to go to treatment that I would divorce him if he didn't. Or should I just leave it in his hands (I didn't cause, can't control, can't cure) and see what happens?
He had called early this morning and said he saw some compost he wanted to get after work before his rehab appt then he would just go from there to rehab without taking a shower. Now he is saying that he thinks he'll just go early tomorrow and not go at all today. He is saying he is getting off work early tomorrow to go to the doctor (appt at 2pm) and then has an appt with a counselor at 4:30 at rehab and he will just make up for time missed there today tomorrow. I said, I didn't know it worked that way, and he said he is not court ordered to go, so it doesn't matter. Then proceeded to say that he is doing fine and doesn't need to go unless I just want him to waste our money (not covered under insurance).
OK, so he has 10 days sober. Big deal?? Now he won't answer the phone. Who knows, maybe he can stay sober on his own...but 10 days sober and thinking he's fine means next week he will think it's ok to have a beer and be fine then, a week after that he will think that he can do just one hit and he'll be fine. Then right back where we started.
I'm so confused right now. Should I insist he go to his appt tonight? I told him after he chose to go to treatment that I would divorce him if he didn't. Or should I just leave it in his hands (I didn't cause, can't control, can't cure) and see what happens?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
Sounds very familiar. I'd say he's relapsed, or is for sure on the verge of. When they start making excuses and start minimizing the importance of meetings, counseling sessions, etc. Relapse isn't far behind. The statement of "not being court ordered..." is also a sign. People who are in recovery go to meetings not because they NEED them, but because they WANT them. Therefore, being court ordered shouldn't matter. Stick to your guns. Good luck!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Sadly you have to leave it in his hands. In my experience when they are in "Im fine and dont need help mode", they'll get nothing out of the counseling session. It seems to fall into the same category as " I didnt even think about it until my counsel showed me that movie on Cocaine."
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
hi. crashed.... im sorryto hera all the pain youhave.
one thing is very hard very hard to do is to letthe addict do their choices by themself,, theyhave togo to treatment becouse they want it,, as had as itmaybe when u hear oit but i think that if he willgo becouseu wanthim togo,, he willnot sucseed. he needs to want t to go he needs to be theone runing o make appointmentsfor this and he needsto e theone to go from hisown will,.. my husband is also and addict and so many times i wanted to help and make him go to meetings,, and keep asking him if hes goingtogo,, butu know,, now istarttop understand,, i cant control it,, he has towantit. and u know, he does it much better if i stay out ofit...
10 days sober is like anewborn baby,,,, so sensetive to evrything..
sweetheart.. i know its very hard but if hes goingto fall,, its his choice... my husvabd is the same amount of days cleannow.,, like q 10 days,, and its hardforme,, but ill stay outthis time,, his choice,,, ill not bother him about going anywhere its his choice. its hard for us the family to let go of the control ,, but we cant doit anyway,,
so ithink what u can do now is,, concentate onyourself,, dont expect for too much,, becouse if he falls,, youll get sad too much.
do something good for yourself,,a nd pray.go to a alanon meeting..a nd be ther o help when he needs u. but lethim choose byhimself.. iknow itshard but u can do it! hugs toyou!!! and prayers ur way.
one thing is very hard very hard to do is to letthe addict do their choices by themself,, theyhave togo to treatment becouse they want it,, as had as itmaybe when u hear oit but i think that if he willgo becouseu wanthim togo,, he willnot sucseed. he needs to want t to go he needs to be theone runing o make appointmentsfor this and he needsto e theone to go from hisown will,.. my husband is also and addict and so many times i wanted to help and make him go to meetings,, and keep asking him if hes goingtogo,, butu know,, now istarttop understand,, i cant control it,, he has towantit. and u know, he does it much better if i stay out ofit...
10 days sober is like anewborn baby,,,, so sensetive to evrything..
sweetheart.. i know its very hard but if hes goingto fall,, its his choice... my husvabd is the same amount of days cleannow.,, like q 10 days,, and its hardforme,, but ill stay outthis time,, his choice,,, ill not bother him about going anywhere its his choice. its hard for us the family to let go of the control ,, but we cant doit anyway,,
so ithink what u can do now is,, concentate onyourself,, dont expect for too much,, becouse if he falls,, youll get sad too much.
do something good for yourself,,a nd pray.go to a alanon meeting..a nd be ther o help when he needs u. but lethim choose byhimself.. iknow itshard but u can do it! hugs toyou!!! and prayers ur way.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
glad to hear that he's sober but hate that you think that he is trying to get out of rehab. you can insist that he go and he may go but that does not mean that he's ready to work the program and stay clean, may give him valuable tools of recovery but it will be up to him to use them, so if he thinks that its a waste of money then he may not be ready for that yet.
i say hands off the addict, but the choice is yours. if he really wants it, you won't have to insist that he go, he'll go because he wants to. sorry that you are confused, maybe it time now for you to take the focus off him and whether or not he goes to rehab and decide what you will do to make your life better.
i say hands off the addict, but the choice is yours. if he really wants it, you won't have to insist that he go, he'll go because he wants to. sorry that you are confused, maybe it time now for you to take the focus off him and whether or not he goes to rehab and decide what you will do to make your life better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: totally lost
Posts: 250
There is always an ultimatum with an addict...for me it was "you use crack, you are out on the streets" and I followed through.
If you said you would divorce him if he didn't go to appt. then you have to follow through. You have to stick to the boundaries that you created yourself. If we don't do that, then we being a true codie.
I would remind him of your boundaries, your requirements "before" he messes up, so it's still up to him.
Hope it works out for both of you...
Hugs, SM
If you said you would divorce him if he didn't go to appt. then you have to follow through. You have to stick to the boundaries that you created yourself. If we don't do that, then we being a true codie.
I would remind him of your boundaries, your requirements "before" he messes up, so it's still up to him.
Hope it works out for both of you...
Hugs, SM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Don't you just hate it when they won't answer the phone, it's like a red flag. Think I would tell him he should go, but not make a big deal out of it..Like you said "didn't cause, can control it,can't cur it" Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
I told him I love him and I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. I told him I need him to know that I can't stay with him if he does not stay sober. He said he is sober and he is going to stay sober and he wants to spend his time at home, not with a bunch of addicts and he is not going to F--- up. I told him I was afraid and he said "don't be, I'm fine". Well, I wish I could be ok, but I'm sitting here crying. Like I know what is going to happen. I hope to God he knows what he is doing. I can't continue to stay married to him if he's not going to stay sober. I can't live my life in fear of the man I'm married to. When he's not sober, I'm very afraid of him.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Sweetie....
He is an A, I would guess he does not know what he is doing.
Have you considered going to Al-anon / Theraphy and getting help for you. Perhapse if he sees you working your recovery and the changes that happen he might follow the lead? Regardless of what he does, you dont have to be alone or afraid in this... there are people in those rooms who really "get it".
He is an A, I would guess he does not know what he is doing.
Have you considered going to Al-anon / Theraphy and getting help for you. Perhapse if he sees you working your recovery and the changes that happen he might follow the lead? Regardless of what he does, you dont have to be alone or afraid in this... there are people in those rooms who really "get it".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
I have done the separate finance thing. We have no kids together. I have two in our custody and he has two in his ex wife's custody. We have a house together and a dog together. Everyone says to have a plan for if I do decide to divorce. What exactly does that mean?
The only thing I haven't done is file for a divorce. I even talked to the lawyer and asked how much it would cost. I have the number to call to get a restraining order if I have to take drastic measures to get him out of the house and keep him out. My fear is that if it comes to that, and I can't keep him out, I really have no plan as to what to do then. Most of the stuff in our house is mine. Do I just pack up a few things for me and the kids and pray he doesn't destroy the rest of our belongings? Is that the best plan there is???
The only thing I haven't done is file for a divorce. I even talked to the lawyer and asked how much it would cost. I have the number to call to get a restraining order if I have to take drastic measures to get him out of the house and keep him out. My fear is that if it comes to that, and I can't keep him out, I really have no plan as to what to do then. Most of the stuff in our house is mine. Do I just pack up a few things for me and the kids and pray he doesn't destroy the rest of our belongings? Is that the best plan there is???
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((CbC))))
It sounds like you did deliver an ultimatum...my question is are you going to stick with what you said? Our own behavior is the only behavior we have any control over....
I am facing a very simular situation right now...I did not say he had to go to rehab all I said was that he cannot use drugs on my property or in my presense. To my knowledge he has not used since I last blew up.
The main thing is that I am the only one I have control over. I can put my boundries in place and it is up to me to keep them enforced. It is up to me how I react or do not react. It is begining to feel like for me I need to take responsibility for my feelings and behaviors. I hope I can keep the focus on me and keep my hands off what my H is doing.
It sounds like you did deliver an ultimatum...my question is are you going to stick with what you said? Our own behavior is the only behavior we have any control over....
I am facing a very simular situation right now...I did not say he had to go to rehab all I said was that he cannot use drugs on my property or in my presense. To my knowledge he has not used since I last blew up.
The main thing is that I am the only one I have control over. I can put my boundries in place and it is up to me to keep them enforced. It is up to me how I react or do not react. It is begining to feel like for me I need to take responsibility for my feelings and behaviors. I hope I can keep the focus on me and keep my hands off what my H is doing.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Everyone says to have a plan for if I do decide to divorce. What exactly does that mean?
It also means having resources I can call - lawyers, counselors, shelters (in case of emergency). At least having the numbers available.
And preparing emotionally to really hang onto my boundaries.
Alanon helped me - ESPECIALLY after my kids got home from rehab and after my daughter got sober. Those times, in their own way, were almost harder to deal with.
(((CbC)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Crushed,
Hugs going out to you in this tough time.
I agree that you have set your boundaries and now the tough task is to wait and see if he smashes through them. It's miserable, and I have been there. It feels like he|| and I am sending my prayers to you.
Love or no love, you have suffered enough because of his addiction. You don't have to divorce if you don't want to, but please start planning for your own safety. Cash in a safety deposit box, a place to run to if he gets violent, a support system. We can love someone who is willing to hurt us, and who has the ability to do tremendous damage to our lives.....but love them from a distance, from a place of safety.
Love,
GL
Hugs going out to you in this tough time.
I agree that you have set your boundaries and now the tough task is to wait and see if he smashes through them. It's miserable, and I have been there. It feels like he|| and I am sending my prayers to you.
Love or no love, you have suffered enough because of his addiction. You don't have to divorce if you don't want to, but please start planning for your own safety. Cash in a safety deposit box, a place to run to if he gets violent, a support system. We can love someone who is willing to hurt us, and who has the ability to do tremendous damage to our lives.....but love them from a distance, from a place of safety.
Love,
GL
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone...
My AH had pulled the same BS time and again...
The best thing that you can do is stick by your boundaries...as hard as that may seem. Otherwise, he will know that you aren't capable of following through, and they will mean nothing to him.
It took my AH two years of this I'm fine b.s. and me sticking to my boundaries... they may not have been overly tough...but they were still hard for me. Presently he is on Day 54 and attending daily meetings.
((HUGS))
My AH had pulled the same BS time and again...
The best thing that you can do is stick by your boundaries...as hard as that may seem. Otherwise, he will know that you aren't capable of following through, and they will mean nothing to him.
It took my AH two years of this I'm fine b.s. and me sticking to my boundaries... they may not have been overly tough...but they were still hard for me. Presently he is on Day 54 and attending daily meetings.
((HUGS))
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
in my opinion it will not help if u do insist on him going to rehab.if it is not his choice he will not stay & it will not do him any good.the choice is his.,if you stay with him that is your choice.read the stickys & keep coming back. you are among people who care.hugs & prayers, hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Anvilhead, funny thing, he tried to tell me we couldn't paint my daughter's room pink. Well, Santa conveniently brought her a can of pink paint for Christmas! Of course, I still have to get to painting it, but he can't stop me now. He just mumbled that he wouldn't be doing it. Good project for me and her to work on together for some mother/daughter bonding.
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