4raidyance_wild

For the pain, I mean. It has been three months since I spoke or saw my AH. He tried to call a few times...when he knew I wasn't here. He sent a few emails...mostly blaming me and telling me I have too much pride, and it's what is keeping me from calling him. On some level, he is absolutely right...except he calls it pride and I call it self-respect...tomAAtoe, tomAHtoe.

After he left, I eventually broke down and called his mom. I was crying so hard I could barely speak. I want him to have a support to get better, even if its not me and sure, I know that its ultimately upto him. BUT, I was hoping his mother would have more pull than me. And I didn't want it on my conscience if something happened, I guess. (Is that ridiculously selfish?) I told her everything I found out..well almost everything. She said she would talk to him, but she also said he would lie about it. WTF? In my head, I am screaming "then you obviously already know what I am talking about!!!!" And then she mentioned that when his brother came home from visiting us, he mentioned that he thought my AH had a problem....WTF? How come nobody picked up the phone or sent a letter or an email or anything to let me know there might be a problem? She down-played his weed smoking as "well, ya know that was my generation." And casually asked if he was doing cocaine or something "harder". I realized my attempt was pointless and got off the phone asap with as much tact as possible.

Sorry this post is so long and really just turning out to be me venting...so my question: Does it get easier as time goes on? I know that I have read the answer to that question over and over...but I am needing some reassurance I suppose. It doesn't feel better...it just feels like I am getting used to the pain. *sigh* I have no info about AH and I am thinking I am probably better off without the "knowing" but its driving me crazy nonetheless.

GiveLove

Raidyance, Tex,
It absolutely does get easier as time goes by and as you continue to focus on your own life. For a long time, when I did my morning quiet time, I would make a point of sending love to my ex, hoping and praying for his recovery. I reminded myself that I had no power AT ALL over his addictions (sex, alcohol, drugs) As time went on, with lots of practice, it got much easier to leave it at that, and not try to put on my supergirl cape and go save the day for him.

Took more time than I'd hoped, but my life is peaceful now, my conscience clear, and almost every day is a great one. I know it will get easier for you too, as time goes by.

Love,
GL

teke

i agree with the others, as you focus more and more on you and what you can do to make your life easier, the better you are gonna feel. it takes time, though i can't say how much.

i had to literally live one day at a time, sometimes it was like 30sec at a time, little by little, you'll get there. it worked better for me not to know what my ah was up to, cause i decided that what i didn't know couldn't hurt me as much. i felt as long as i recognized addict behavior, whenever i got the chance to talk to him, to me, that meant he was either still active, early in recovery or not working a progam at all, and that's the life i wanted to stay away from. i choose to focus more on working on me and allowing my gut feeling about him to rule.

like tex, don't need to tell you about mil, i had to detach from her too. have you gone to any alanon meetings yet. they are very helpful. try if you can, to block out as many thoughts of him and what he's doing, as you can. keep the focus on you only, if you can and it will eventually get easier. jmop
still praying for you and your family

booklover

I did the same thing, calling my husband's mother, thinking that "now she can take care of it" but I was to discover that she wasn't going to be much help to my then AH. She said things like pot being part of her life bc she was a hippie, etc. Once I told her it was crystal meth and A LOT of it among other things, she came down to see him. I was moving him out. All she did was gang up against me with him about letting him stay here. Then she explained to him that once he got sobered up, he might be able to use meth and other drugs occassionally and just not let it get out of hand....Her suggestion was to pick 1 or 2 days per month and mark them on the calendar to be "using" days....I am not making this up. She is also an educated lady. Well, needless to say, it wasn't much help. She lives hundreds of miles away and not matter what you tell them, they don't know how bad it really is unless they were living with the addict.

I can relate.

Good luck with your own recovery. You are in my thoughts.

faithhopelovejr

Mother-in-Law in my situation makes it worse! She lives in Las Vegas and we're in Texas. She makes courtsey calls. Well now I don't hear anything because he moved out and we're getting divorced. Early on in all of this she would call me and ask how is he in a really low toned voice filled with skepticism. I came to realize, even more now that if my answer was that he was on life support, or that he was attending 2 meetings a day (neither has happened to him "yet"), it just didn't matter. My friend identified what my mother-in-law was doing. She called it FALSE CONCERN. She hit the nail on the head. So when he moved out, his grandma called to find out why because they had been hiding it from her since the beginning. She's 80+. I told her. My AH and his stupid mother got really mad at me and that's what prompted me to send his mother an email. Something to the effect of QUIT BUYING INTO THE MANIPULATION. YOUR SON IS SICK. HE HAS A DISEASE. YOUR MOTHER MAY BE 80+, BUT IF SHE HAS ENOUGH SENSE TO ASK WHAT'S WRONG, THEN SHE HAS ENOUGH SENSE TO KNOW. My AH's mother is a part of the root of the problem. It started at birth. She has been a terrible mother to both my AH and his sister, not to mention his dad who is only interested in Harleys and deer hunting. So he gets 0 support from his family. That leaves me. The tattered and torn soon to be ex wife. I worry about him daily. It's gotten better with time. This forum is a Godsend. I read it as soon as a get to work (don't tell boss) and I end the day with it. I also pray. Sometimes I pray in the tanning bed at lunch when I could be taking a quick nap! I even got a tattoo on my foot with the faith, hope and love symbols. When I get down, I'll look at the tattoo and things fall back in perspective. Plus I have a 13 year old daughter who needs my support for just little life pains in general. I am really looking forward to getting back to "normal" problems. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to experience them with my AH because his addiction sucked the life out of everybody and everything. Even normal problems were put on the backburner. Time will take care of it all and so will God. Good luck!