tropikgal2

This is something I am desperately working on, but I need to know if anyone else has this problem too....to is it "just me"? I know that obsessive thoughts are bad and I am working on thought-stopping techniques and just "letting go" by praying and focusing on my breath etc.etc. However, I find my mind wandering to all the past times that I now know that he was using (my RAH kept this all hidden from me very skillfully for quite some time until it got bad enough for him to seek help) and I get very very angry when I think of those times. ALso, I get these internal conversations going where I imagine what I will say, or do, if he uses again and of course THAT Is pretty upsetting too. How can I effectively stop these thoughts??? I know that the more it happens, the more it becomes ingrained in my mind (the mind learns from repetition).
Sometimes I feel like I am getting better and then all of a sudden I find myself thinking all that crap again and my mind is "off to the races"........What to do? Anyone have any really good techniques?

GiveLove

Tropik,

I know a lot of people who suffer from obsessive thoughts (including me at times) If you've suffered a lot because of his addiction, I wouldn't expect to be able to just flip a switch and make those bad thoughts stay away.

Your mind is reminding you of them for a reason: it's reminding you of your boundaries, and what you're not willing to put up with any more. Also, if you haven't addressed or dealt with the things that happened -- if there's no closure, no assurance that you're at all safe from having them happen again, then it's harder to convince your mind that you don't need these thoughts any more.

Self-defense mechanisms are good. But letting them take you away and ruin your day/relationship doesn't have to be part of that equation though, I don't think.

I found that what worked for me was to go throught his process (might not for you, but...)
I find myself thinking the thought (remembering something said or done)
I let myself feel the feeling it's trying to express: sadness, anger, betrayal, frustration.
I say (out loud) "thanks for reminding me of that, I appreciate it. Now, I'm DONE thinking about it for now."

And at that "done," I would forcibly turn my mind to something else, even if it's just to grab a cereal box and read it, pick up a book, take up a task at work, or in the worst cases, snap a rubber band on my wrist if it really wouldn't let go. Just like with all boundaries, the mind needs to know that if you say "stop," you mean "stop."

I had to play this scene dozens of times when I was in the most difficult stages of my own recovery. After that, it was easier to go back to more gentle means, like meditation, focusing on my breath, etc.

Just me -- but I hope somewhere in there is something that helps you.

Love,
GL

frankly

((tropixgal))

Absolutly! It's my own struggle with Letting Go. It seems to creep up on you, then bam, it's there before you know it. I think it's our minds trying to understand and really comprehend, it's such a shock that these things really happened, I think it (our minds) can only accept it in small doses.

Sometimes this works for me, when I realize I'm in that thought process, I consciously have a picture of a very peaceful and tranquil place in my mind. I make myself go there. Like a walk in a beautiful flower garden, or digging my toes in the sand. Sometimes I almost chant, let go and let god. When nothing else works, sometimes I have to really look at what I'm obsessing about, face it head on and accept that it happened, I can't change it. So I try to forgive it. If I truely manage to forgive it, then it seems to fade away.

If you find things that work for you, please let me know, because it is something that I also fight every day.

B

4raidyance_wild

i struggle with this everyday....i just keeping thinking about how with the new information i can see how blind i was in the past. i wish i knew what to tell you to do about, but the replies have been filled with some wonderful advice and i will try to use it. thanks for addressing that regardless of the boundaries you have set, your mind and your heart may still be falling behind. as least that is mhop.

tropikgal2

Thank you every one for your advice. I will try different techniques and see which works best for me. I am doing better on compassion though.....Even though we all have the power to make choices, my heart really does go out to those who have chosen to enslave themselves to a substance or an action. I think the substance part even more, because some of those chemicals insidiously change your own brain's chemistry until you are an automaton for the drug. How very very saddening.

teke

when i find myself having those thoughts, i sometimes have to use those thought chasing methods sometimes min. by min, the more i do it, i eventually found that the less i have to. not to be an excuse for my ah's actions, but i did what i could to remember to seperate him from his addiction. i tried to remember that it was not my ah that was doing these things, it was his addiction acting out through him. this made it possible for me to pray more positive prayers over him and his actions, and to not take the things that he did and said so personal. everytime i began to have those thoughts, i'd try to catch them in mid air, and praying the opposite of what my head was telling me.

when i could, to gain somekind of closure or to free myself of some of the pain, i would write him letters, and i would rewrite the letters over and over until it said exactly what i needed it to say, by the time i finished, i found that my thoughts and feelings had changed and that i needed to write a new letter and i would do the same with the new letter. i never did get to send him any of them, by the time i would finish with the final copy, i'd find that i no longer needed to send them.

it takes time but one day at a time it does get better, i'll keep you and yours in my prayers

Wascally Wabbit

When I was in my 20s and 30s I used to be the worlds biggest obsessor, at least that's how I felt.
Somehow with alanon and age, I hardly find myself obsessing. When I do, I have to decide whether or not I "want to".
Courage to Change (May 20) says when we realize where our thinking is going, we can choose not to go there, with HP's help!

hopeforever

yes it happens to me too sometimes when im streesed out,, and usually i think about the worst case scenario lolol,, i dont know why,,,
what i do to help myself is
tell myself this thoughts are not taking me anywhere
think why i think so much lol and get to conclusion just let it go,,
and pray and d o something forurself that you like,, like read abook,, or listen tomusic,, or something to stop this thinking lol ok good luck