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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 07-11-2007, 12:37 AM
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My head hurts CMC, thank you kindly. I enjoy thinking and being made to think!
I will process what we have talked on and try and put it back into my earlier example.
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Old 07-11-2007, 06:04 AM
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Dolly
This is something I have dealt with being locked up. First, when I have a problem in my life and I choose not to face it in the hopes that it will just go away, it tend to only get worse. By ignoring a situation, even if it concerns another, it tends to tell me that there is something there about me that I donít want to face myself, but thatís just me. I have found that when I face the thing it usually isnít as bad as I thought it would be and it relives me of the worry, and also gives me strength and courage to face my stuff in the future. Now, with him being locked up I can tell you from my own experience that there is no closure for him. Even if the closure that he gets isnít what he would like right now it still seems like an option to him, and when you are locked up you hang on to all your options. For me I was dating a girl when I got locked up and we wrote for awhile then no more. Well about 10 months went by and every 2-3 months I would call or write, just because I wanted to know for sure (not a mind reader here). Well when I finally talked to her she wasnít nice and said she was great and getting married. Hey I wished her the best and that part of my life was closed. Not what I wanted, but I knew! I have found that I can deal with some people and things now from a distance, while I am still locked up and be in a safer situation then putting it off till I get out. My prayers will be with you to receive Gods guidance. 
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Old 07-11-2007, 06:47 AM
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Dolly,
I agree with Sean's thinking, maybe write and send 1 letter to give closure to both of you? And let him know any future letters will be marked return to sender.
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by cmc View Post
I'll try--- 'Susie' is rude to me...so I feel angry. That feeling brings to my attention that I typically allow her to do this to me. I take the feeling and use it- to be healthy. I can detach from that person, confront her or choose to drop it and let it go. If I choose to confront...then I can say "Susie, when you told me that my hair looks like ___, that hurt my feelings."
The action (confronting her) was taken and it all started with an emotion. An emotion is not typically a rational thing...to let it drive me without thinking is not productive or safe.
Which came first the thought, the words or the actions? Well, in the scenario above you are already to a healthy enough place that you are questioning your response to a situation.

I wasn't that healthy! My thoughts (or feelings or emotions) were SO distorted when I started my recovery journey that I could not even begin to question if my response was appropriate. I totally reacted from the gut.....a very unhealthy gut. That is why I had to start with words. I basically brainwashed myself into healthier thinking so that I could get to the point you described above.


"I know he'll come a knockin and I really don't know how to handle it"

Dolly, do yourself a favor and read the September 3rd page in
"The Language of Letting Go." It deals with exactly what you are describing and was a huge awakening for me. If you don't have the book, I will type the whole thing in for you here.....it was THAT important to me.

Love you guys,
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Old 07-14-2007, 05:11 AM
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Thanks Sean,

I do follow what you are saying, I wrote him one letter at Christmas, basically telling him I forgave him, and that I was moving forward. In all his letters after that, he never mentioned my letter, I must assume he got it, and just chose to ignore it.

I will write one more, as I do not want him knocking on my door when he gets out, which should be the 1st week of Sept. I am already getting anaxious about that, and what iffing, yet again.

Dakota,

I really don't believe there is a miracle in his future, he has been using for 25 years,
and his issues run from the top of his head down to the tip of his toes. He has been to rehab, many times, outpatient, done AA/NA on and off, tried to cold turkey it away, and, now prison. And everytime, he has returned to addiction.

Thanks, Babs, I just read the passage, it did help.

I appreciate your input.
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Old 07-15-2007, 05:39 AM
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You know, Dolly, that was the point I got to also. I just didn't believe in him anymore. I knew he meant it when he was saying it, but I had just gone through it too many times. I had been disappointed too many times. I had watched him self-destruct too many times. I just couldn't come up with the courage to do it again. I HAD to make the pain stop. My heart aches for him and his issues, but I have the right to take care of myself. I just couldn't go through it one more time. Period.

By the way, since you are in Tampa, are you coming to the Al-Anon convention in Daytona Beach in September?

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Old 07-15-2007, 05:44 AM
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Babs, I love the way you worded that there. It is said perfectly
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Old 07-15-2007, 07:01 PM
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What era is your avatar picture Babs? I love the art from the fifties down to the thirties, all that clip art type stuff. My body is covered from neck to foot in that same style art, but without colour. Love the art, just a few regretts about it being on the body rather than a sheet of paper.
I have always identified your picture as being you to get a face in my head.
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Old 07-16-2007, 06:01 AM
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Wow, Dakota, I wish my face looked like that perky 50's housewife! I am afraid that it was a refrigerator magnet that I bought when I still believed that his drug issue was about me........Now my fridge sports a magnet that says:

"You can't change the world, you can only change yourself"

aahh, we live and we learn, don't we.

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Old 07-16-2007, 11:49 AM
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oh we do babs, oh that we do or, we dont learn, and trip over the same log until we do get it! (Me in a nut shell unfortunately.....)
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Old 07-16-2007, 12:09 PM
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That's me in a nutshell too, dakota- but then what do you expect from me? I'm a nut, it's where I live!

Babs....all this while I couldn't for the life of me remember where I had seen your avatar before, I must have seen the same magnet.
She looks like a Southern gal from the 50's alright!
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Old 07-17-2007, 01:46 AM
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'The conforming house wife woman', a real thing of the fifties hey.
An era dedicated almost to co-depenmdence. Men can't cook, women can't work.
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:26 AM
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Cool

hey guys. i just wanted to let yall know that i might not be able to post much for a bit. i have been filling in for someone at work in the front office and they are now back. this means i will be going back to work in the plant for a bit . the people in the office say they want me to come back over here full time, bnecause of the job i have done and i believe that the guy i was working for will leave soon for medical reasons. i not sure how much i will be able to be on but i will still read what my mom sends and keep all of yall in my prayers. i will still have some acc. to the computer, just not like now. hope to be back soon! everyone hang in there aND when something comes along that seems to slow you down, just learn from it and remember this to shall pass!
thanks
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Old 07-20-2007, 04:25 AM
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hopeto be back soon
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Old 07-20-2007, 06:15 AM
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Hang in there Sean ... hope to hear from you soon.
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Old 07-20-2007, 05:08 PM
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well i was told today by our op's mang. that he wanted me to train in a different position. our gm wont be back til next wed. to get final approval, so next week plant then back in the office to learn a different job, then our office mang. told me that she wanted me to train in yet another position, to get the experance to be able to cover peoples vacation, nad for when next permanet position is avaliable i will get it. hey i like the idea of learning accounts job and the other job they want me to, it can only be good for future advancement. i was also told that i will still be in the office at the end of daily work to do some things anyway, so i should still have access to computer in evenings :-) learn all i can and get a supervisior job, one day is what it looks like might be available. either way i will roll with what i am given and make the best of it.
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Old 07-20-2007, 05:11 PM
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Good news, great attitude!
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Old 07-21-2007, 11:13 PM
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Hello Everyone. Well my dad called me 3 days ago and today but he only stays on the phone for like 1-2 minutes because he has a calling card with minutes. I worte him a letter but it had stickers on it so they couldnt give it to him. So I had to write him another 1 he wont get it till monday though cause they dont get mail on weekends but he wrote me a letter and I got it today. Anyways his parole hearing is on Sept. 25th and at they hearing they tell him how long he is in.
The letter basically says he is glad that we are writting him, its a shame that he hasnt been here for us, he is taking substance abuse and parenting classes, he thinks he can keep his drug problem undercontrol now, he doesnt want drugs to have anymore of his life, he wants to see us graduate high school and college, he wants to be here for us, dont do drugs, and that he wants a 5x7 picture of me.
Well I got to go. Bye.
P.S. Im kind of worried cause today I found out my dad is on the 2nd or 3rd strike and for the 3rd he can get like 25 years. So im hoping he can get his self together when he gets out.
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Old 07-22-2007, 05:29 PM
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Good to hear from you, Sadness. Glad you are getting to communicate with your dad. It sounds like he is making positive progress, taking the substance abuse and parenting classes. I'll be praying this will be his time to change. Remember, though, no matter what happens with your dad, you are one special young lady, so treat your self special always.

Sean, good news about the job. You have such a positive attitude, good things are in your future.
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Old 07-23-2007, 11:17 AM
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As you know, my AH is in prison ... has 5 1/2 months to go. Each of us have different paths in life as far as to leave or to stay. I've made the choice to give him one last chance. Being married 19 years now, I guess I don't want to give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens. I've prayed many years now for him, also as a co-dependent tried to fix him myself, the system tried to fix him with 3 rehabs, now prison. i know I complain about him being needy and childlike and plain annoying with his bugging me about not writing, etc. Alot of times I think I don't want to get along with him because if I do and start having hope again, I'll just get hurt again.

He has made progress ... been clean now for 16 months, attends NA classes.. is now chairman at the meetings.. attends weekly church services and any bible studie s offered there... is on roadcrew 4 days a week.(Roadcrew is drugtested on regular basis.) He has been saying he doesnt want the lifestyle he had... he doesnt want that again. Me, I just tune him out cause back to if I have hope and he relapses, then I get hurt again.

My mother-in-law, me and my youngest daughter went to visit him yesterday. We had a good visit, found out he's filled out paperwork for his home plan since he's been given his parole date. There's a program he can go thru that will help him get a job when released. Brother-in-law (sober) wants him to come work for him when he gets out, logging work, but he's not sure what to do yet.

One thing that impressed me during the visit was he was talking about a young guy (21) who's just been trasferred there, who's been in the system since he was 15. AH overheard this guy talking with another young guy... saying how they were gonna rob places when they got out.... what kind of guns they wanted, etc etc . AH asked the young guy, "you mean you're gonna do things when you get out thats gonna get you right back in this place? Have you not learned anything while you 've been here." AH says he's not doing anything to go back. He doesn't want to be back there ever again. Time will tell for him. He knows he's on his last chance ... LOL let him know just because he has a home plan doesnt mean he can't get kicked out once he gets home. (Mother/Father-in-law agree 100%.)
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