Younger brother
Bittersweet
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Stockholm
Posts: 165
Younger brother
Ok hi, ive been posting on alcoholism forum mostly 
So some new faces here maybe
Ok so i was talking to a friend about things that made me upset and i said something "my younger brother really pisses me off, he owes me ALOT of money and he just keeps on asking for more and he never pays back - i start to think he might be doing drugs"
It was the first time i thought about it that way but it would explain alot of his behaivor. He got some serious issues with his attiude. He got in trouble in school alot cause of bad attitude against teachers and the way he talks to you.. hes.. so defensive. He always defends himself, sometimes for no reason at all. Hes extremly aggresive.
About the money, our parents have alot of money and we both have credit cards that my parents pay the bill for so we usually dont lack money, thats why i was a bit suprised that he wanted to borrow money at first. I got a job and make money of my own and my brother keeps comming to me asking for money, telling me he got into trouble and needs money but dont want mom and dad to notice that he spent so much money. He wont tell me what he needs the money for but that he got in trouble. I give it to him and im not getting any money back, and he just borrowed 2000 from me last week again. Swedish crowns that is, not dollars but i guess its about.. 180-200 dollars. Its been going on for about 4 months. I dont see him that often cause i dont live with him.
Im not sure exactly how much money were talking about ALOT of money for a 18 year old without a job here. How do i know if it actually is drugs he is using? How do i talk to him? Help.
Im not even sure it is drugs... but i really start to worry about it.. it might be nothing but what if. I wouldnt be able to live with myself if something happend to him cause i didnt do anything when i had the chanse. Better safe that sorry?
Thanks, Minnie.
So some new faces here maybe
Ok so i was talking to a friend about things that made me upset and i said something "my younger brother really pisses me off, he owes me ALOT of money and he just keeps on asking for more and he never pays back - i start to think he might be doing drugs"
It was the first time i thought about it that way but it would explain alot of his behaivor. He got some serious issues with his attiude. He got in trouble in school alot cause of bad attitude against teachers and the way he talks to you.. hes.. so defensive. He always defends himself, sometimes for no reason at all. Hes extremly aggresive.
About the money, our parents have alot of money and we both have credit cards that my parents pay the bill for so we usually dont lack money, thats why i was a bit suprised that he wanted to borrow money at first. I got a job and make money of my own and my brother keeps comming to me asking for money, telling me he got into trouble and needs money but dont want mom and dad to notice that he spent so much money. He wont tell me what he needs the money for but that he got in trouble. I give it to him and im not getting any money back, and he just borrowed 2000 from me last week again. Swedish crowns that is, not dollars but i guess its about.. 180-200 dollars. Its been going on for about 4 months. I dont see him that often cause i dont live with him.
Im not sure exactly how much money were talking about ALOT of money for a 18 year old without a job here. How do i know if it actually is drugs he is using? How do i talk to him? Help.
Im not even sure it is drugs... but i really start to worry about it.. it might be nothing but what if. I wouldnt be able to live with myself if something happend to him cause i didnt do anything when i had the chanse. Better safe that sorry?
Thanks, Minnie.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Minnie, welcome to this side of addiction and please know that you are welcome to post here any time.
The behaviour of your brother matches that of a person lost in addiction, although that may not be the case. And when we ask an addict we love about this they usually deny that it's true.
Sadly, if it is true, there is really nothing you can do for him except let him know that you love him and care. The choice of staying active in his addiction or getting help is one that only he can make, but you probably already know that.
Giving him money under these circumstances is really the same as buying him his drug. It doesn't help him in the end and may prolong his use.
I think if it was my brother, I would make a list of places he could get help, Detox and rehabs and maybe a meeting list of NA, talk to him about it in a compassionate way, not in anger, and then just say a prayer and let him go.
I don't know if there are any Naranon or Alanon meetings near you, but if there are that might be a good place for you to visit and find some live support. You'd be surprises how many "double winners" there are there who, like you, have been exposed to both sides of addiction.
Hugs
The behaviour of your brother matches that of a person lost in addiction, although that may not be the case. And when we ask an addict we love about this they usually deny that it's true.
Sadly, if it is true, there is really nothing you can do for him except let him know that you love him and care. The choice of staying active in his addiction or getting help is one that only he can make, but you probably already know that.
Giving him money under these circumstances is really the same as buying him his drug. It doesn't help him in the end and may prolong his use.
I think if it was my brother, I would make a list of places he could get help, Detox and rehabs and maybe a meeting list of NA, talk to him about it in a compassionate way, not in anger, and then just say a prayer and let him go.
I don't know if there are any Naranon or Alanon meetings near you, but if there are that might be a good place for you to visit and find some live support. You'd be surprises how many "double winners" there are there who, like you, have been exposed to both sides of addiction.
Hugs
Bittersweet
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Stockholm
Posts: 165
Thank you Ann.
As you said, im not even sure if it is drugs. And i havnt really even thought about it that was until.. maybe 24 hours ago now. If i knew it was for drugs i would never ever give him money. Hes my younger brother and when he calls me and tells me that hes in trouble and needs money ofc i just give it to him. But 4 months later and he still needs more money all the time i start to worry.
I will look into some meetings etc.
Thanks for your reply Ann
As you said, im not even sure if it is drugs. And i havnt really even thought about it that was until.. maybe 24 hours ago now. If i knew it was for drugs i would never ever give him money. Hes my younger brother and when he calls me and tells me that hes in trouble and needs money ofc i just give it to him. But 4 months later and he still needs more money all the time i start to worry.
I will look into some meetings etc.
Thanks for your reply Ann
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Mini)))))
Hi and welcome to sr. I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo addict son.
I'm so sorry to hear that your brother may be into drugs/alcohol.
The fact that he is borrowing often, or trying to, indicates to me, that
he may be using or possibly gambling.
Young people today, imho, take many, many more life risks, than I ever thought possible.
I'm glad you decided to come here. As Ann said, you should try to get into face to face meetings, keep coming here, and give your brother booklets and info on the affects of drug use and places to go for help.
Also, I know how hard it is in the beginning. You want to "help".
I still find myself wanting to help my son. It only hurts me, in the process.
Giving him money is keeping him active. If he start going to your parents for money, maybe the three of you can band together with boundries and a game plan to detach with love from him. He should really be doing the recovery himself. When he's ready. Being forced into recovery from an addiction by those that love you, imho, doesn't work. It's when they hit "rock bottom" themselves that makes them want/need to get better.
I hope you continue to visit and post. This is such a wonderful place to share your story, receive prayers, support, advice, and friendship.
We are codependents taking care of us. Join us.
All said with great understanding and love,
Linda
Hi and welcome to sr. I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo addict son.
I'm so sorry to hear that your brother may be into drugs/alcohol.
The fact that he is borrowing often, or trying to, indicates to me, that
he may be using or possibly gambling.
Young people today, imho, take many, many more life risks, than I ever thought possible.
I'm glad you decided to come here. As Ann said, you should try to get into face to face meetings, keep coming here, and give your brother booklets and info on the affects of drug use and places to go for help.
Also, I know how hard it is in the beginning. You want to "help".
I still find myself wanting to help my son. It only hurts me, in the process.
Giving him money is keeping him active. If he start going to your parents for money, maybe the three of you can band together with boundries and a game plan to detach with love from him. He should really be doing the recovery himself. When he's ready. Being forced into recovery from an addiction by those that love you, imho, doesn't work. It's when they hit "rock bottom" themselves that makes them want/need to get better.
I hope you continue to visit and post. This is such a wonderful place to share your story, receive prayers, support, advice, and friendship.
We are codependents taking care of us. Join us.
All said with great understanding and love,
Linda
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi miss, welcome to this side
sorry you think that you may have a cause to be here but glad that you are.
the addicts in my life are myself and my hubby, doc, crack. i agree with you, it does sound like something may be going on. i also agree with the others, in my opinion, most of the time in my experience, a rock bottom is needed, sorry, and there is not much you can do other than offer info and began to care for you and allow him to care for himself. time will tell you what you need to know. he won't be able to hide addiction forever if thats what it is.
maybe the next time he asks for money, try asking him why he needs it. sure if its drugs, he probably won't tell you, but eventually he may try to stop asking so much. keeping all of you in my prayers
sorry you think that you may have a cause to be here but glad that you are.
the addicts in my life are myself and my hubby, doc, crack. i agree with you, it does sound like something may be going on. i also agree with the others, in my opinion, most of the time in my experience, a rock bottom is needed, sorry, and there is not much you can do other than offer info and began to care for you and allow him to care for himself. time will tell you what you need to know. he won't be able to hide addiction forever if thats what it is.
maybe the next time he asks for money, try asking him why he needs it. sure if its drugs, he probably won't tell you, but eventually he may try to stop asking so much. keeping all of you in my prayers
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi Minnie,
It may be drugs, or something else, but lending him the money teaches him that there is no bottom to anything, really, and no consequences to his actions regardless of where he's spending it.
I know this so well because I did it for my son for years.
I NEVER suspected drugs was the cause of his behavior.
We can't make them see the life they're headed for, but we can "move up their bottom" to a certain extent, in that we can refuse to play the game.
Once I stopped giving my son money, he tried other ways...stealing from family came pretty quick, and thats when we realized there was a serious problem.
I really pray that drugs isn't at the root of this, but regardless, the sooner you can help him to learn that he's old enough to start behaving responsibly, the sooner he stands a chance of learning how to stand on his own.
Glad you stopped by...stick around, there's a lot of great people here
((((hugs)))
Cece
It may be drugs, or something else, but lending him the money teaches him that there is no bottom to anything, really, and no consequences to his actions regardless of where he's spending it.
I know this so well because I did it for my son for years.
I NEVER suspected drugs was the cause of his behavior.
We can't make them see the life they're headed for, but we can "move up their bottom" to a certain extent, in that we can refuse to play the game.
Once I stopped giving my son money, he tried other ways...stealing from family came pretty quick, and thats when we realized there was a serious problem.
I really pray that drugs isn't at the root of this, but regardless, the sooner you can help him to learn that he's old enough to start behaving responsibly, the sooner he stands a chance of learning how to stand on his own.
Glad you stopped by...stick around, there's a lot of great people here
((((hugs)))
Cece
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