I am hopeless...

Old 03-08-2007, 06:07 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
Unhappy I am hopeless...

I can't stop myself.

I used to maintain my husband's band myspace for him and so...I have the password. I have been monitoring his messages lately. He got some messages from an ex that searched him on there. He emailed her back and invited her to come see him play a gig that will be close to her hometown far from our home. She emailed back her cell # and told him not to email her at myspace anymore "if you know what I mean"...I guess she doesn't want her husband to see the emails. This bothered me, she is involving him already in some secret scandalous situation. My AH did not mention that he was married or had kids in his emails to her.

This left me feeling bad in SO many ways.
The first, why did I read this? Why do I feel compelled to still do this?
The second, if I hadn't read this, I would be happy today still.
The third, do I have a right to be upset about this?
Fourth, do I confront him now or not?

I can be holding evidence and he can convince me I am wrong. Often, I don't even know what is ok and what isn't because my mind is somewhat warped by this relationship.

It really bothered me also that he had deleted only these emails, so that I wouldn't see them which suggests some impropriety I would think as well...he forgot about deleting them out of his trash basket though. Was he planning on seeing her? What does that mean? Why do I feel like I am waiting around for him to have an affair?

I did confront him because he knew something was wrong and kept asking. First he was mad I read the emails. Then he downplayed it. He said something like, "If anything about that was wrong, I am sorry." Then he asked me would I mind if he called her and invited her and family to his show. He said he would make sure to say he is married.

He has lied about so many things (I don't know that he has had an affair before, but during his crank days, I found text messages back and forth with some girl he met at a show...the messages revealed they were on their way to having an affair) that I don't feel I can trust him.

I am so sick. I must be to feel this way.

I am constantly thinking he is going to leave me for someone in recovery since literally most of his friends in recovery did that very thing. Wow, doesn't that suck? To have stood by your addict when no one else would and then they drop you for another addict because only an addict can understand another addict...I hear them say these things at the meetings my husband has drug me to.

Any thoughts on any of this....Should I be even be upset? Am I being unfair to him? How can I quit obsessing and checking messages?????

Thanks and my thoughts go out to all of you, as they always do.

Sorry for such a long post. And lastly, wow, I hate being so desperate and pathetic and needy sounding about this.
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Old 03-08-2007, 06:16 PM
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First, stop obsessing about him leaving for another addict. I am not being harsh here, I just know how you feel and I have obsessed soooo much it literaly drove me nuts !!!!

I would be like you, questioning his intentions........because "how convienent" that those emails just disappeared......Plus as far as I am concerned exes are just no good.

Do you attend any meetings or groups for yourself? As I have been going to al-anon, etc.......I have noticed my self esteem has increased (a little and I make my self not obsess too much on my AH' s latest drama.

I used to worry when we went shopping that he was gonna run off with every woman he spoke to.....now we go into Kroger and I honestly don't even notice him, I feel focused on me.

Know you are not alone here.(((HUGS)))
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Old 03-08-2007, 06:24 PM
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Location: Nashville, TN
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I have attended Alanon meetings but infrequently really. I haven't found a meeting that I like at all. I actually find much better support and feel better after visiting these forums than I ever have at a "live person" meeting. But I know I need to give it another try also.

I have never been the kind of girl that was jealous or afraid their man was going to cheat. It has all unfolded as I became privy to info in the last few months. Learning that my husband had an addiction problem and had been hiding it and lying to me for SO SO long...finding out that specific times when something was askew, it was because he was using...and then the finding of the text messages with that girl.

The interesting point is that since he is a musician on the road a lot, all of my friends and family have always asked me if I was concerned he would cheat and I used to say no and wasn't worried. Boy, who was that girl?

Thanks for your advice and help. I didn't know that others worry about their significant other leaving for another addict. I thought it was just me!
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Old 03-08-2007, 06:26 PM
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grateful rca
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Location: atlanta, ga.
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I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with this. don't have any advice about whether or nor he's having an affair, but i do know that i've been where you are, only mine may have had an affair. i try not to allow those thought to take up too much space in my head. time will tell you what you need to know.

i think that it was good that you were able to confront him, i know that you still don't know whether you can trust that he's telling the truth though

to keep from obsessing, maybe you can replace those negatives thoughts with positive one, whenever you have those thoughts. sorry but even if he does decides to have an affair, there is not much you can do to stop him if thats what he really wants to do, you just don't have to stick around until it finishes making you sicker.

when i first came around, i had a hard time figuring out what was/was not real too, and it think checking cells and emails is kind of common codie behavior, that will soon pass as you began to focus more on you.

it helped me to decide what my gut was telling me whether true or not, except it as true, develop a plan of escape, protection or whatever else you think that you might need to make your life better and have it ready just in case you need it one day.

sorry for the book, think i'll stop now and pray for you and your family
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Old 03-08-2007, 06:32 PM
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Let me grow up.
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Tough Truth

Whoa! That's some load you've got there! Well, I live by the motto that if you dig for dirt and find dirt then you deserve all the pain that comes with it. Sorry to sound harsh but put yourself in his shoes though you may not think he deserves his privacy for all he's put you through, how would you feel if he violated your privacy? It's obvious that there's a serious lack of trust here that I imagine stems from his having an addiction. However, he now can't trust you either and you are guilty of having sunk to his level of lies and secrets.

Ultimately without trust or respect in this marriage it cannot survive. The damage may very well be irreparable. Perhaps you should seriously consider leaving the marriage. I'm not trying to depress you but it's highly unlikely that you'll be able to stop obsessing over what your husband may or may not be doing. That is, unless you can learn to redirect your attention to more healthy endeavors. Like realizing that your worthy of happiness, mutual love, respect and trust. You deserve a good life even if it means you have to create one for yourself.

As for your being upset, that's a natural reaction. You do have the right to be upset because he's your husband and you suspect that he might be trying to start something illicit with this woman. However, you are responsible for being in the state of emotions you're in. I certainly don't condone his behavior but you might want to take this as a lesson learned. Of course, you should confront him about it if you find it terribly upsetting else it'll just fester inside you and grow into something worse.

My suggestion to you as a future reference. Don't go throw his things. Dirt has a way of resurfacing on its own without any investigation on your part. Trust that God has a way of handling these things and people who deserve what's coming to them. What goes around comes around. You're better than that. I am terribly sorry though that you are having to experience this and I hope you can come out of it a stronger, wiser person. Remember that bad times don't last forever. You're stronger then you think and that when you're ready to make a move, you will. Best wishes
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Old 03-08-2007, 06:53 PM
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One thing everyone needs to consider.. In this day and age if your spouse cheats on you he can bring home something that will KILL YOU.

On top of the blow to the non cheating partner's self esteem, the cheating partner can, in addition to all the other miserable behavior associated with addiction, give you a death sentence.

I am sorry but that is the truth.
I will never tolerate lies and cheating. Of course if I had known he was using all those years he would never have gotten 6 years out of my life AND put me at risk for disease. but.. I naively believed him and it was all a lie.

My Dad always said if a person would lie to you they would steal and cheat as well. His attitude is at the first lie he was all done with that person.

I lied to my Father one time when I was 12 and he found out. It took me YEARS to earn his trust back. If I had taken the same attitude with my X I would not have to wait until June to get another blood test to make sure I don't have something deadly.

My life is worth too much to me to risk it with some guy who cannot be loyal.
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Old 03-08-2007, 07:27 PM
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I am sorry you had to find this. I really look at things for what they are: Secretive emails with less than admirable intentions.
Be careful with the confrontation. It can backfire.
I like what lilac said.
I hope you get some sleep so you can think good tomorrow.
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Old 03-08-2007, 07:48 PM
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i do not look for trouble because it finds me so easely. sleep on this & figure it out tomorrow.i do not know what to tell you. i know i would be upset. maybe it is nothing to it..? maybe u could go to the show with him & meet her & her family? let me know what you decide.hugs,hope
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Old 03-08-2007, 08:12 PM
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Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 25
Wow girl, I feel for ya. You are not hopeless and you are not alone in thinking this way. I know too well what you are feeling. I started to write a book here on this thread... but decided to delete it as it was taking me to a place that I don't care to go right now.

Get some rest and do something for you. A massage maybe? (boy I would love that right now.)

Sending lots of hugs your way...

Last edited by fleaSha; 03-08-2007 at 08:12 PM. Reason: grammar
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