tropikgal2

I moved this to a new thread on advice of Noah812
I am appreciative of all the responses here. Although my RAH is doing very well, when we were out walking last night he told me that the "devil and angel" are still in him fighting every day. That the devil tells him that it would be Ok to just take a pill or just do a little bit, but the angel says don't do it, that it would lead back to addiction. Because I was unaware of his problem until he confessed and went to rehab, (he had been clean for many, many years before his relapse) I have no experience at this thing. I stuck with him this time, but I told him I can't do this over and over again. I'm too old and I have too much at stake. I feel like even if he takes one pill, I should leave because I know where it will probably lead. I dont' think that kicking him out would work because the house is in both our names (we are owners not renters). What is my legal recourse here? I don't want to be a fatalist, but I am a pragmatist and need to know if I should engage a lawyer to protect myself "just in case". (we own a fair amount of commercial and personal property). I mean, I really love him, (we've been married 17 years) but I love myself more. Am I being rigid and inflexible? I am trying to practice detachment and compassion, but I feel that his possible choice to use drugs again could affect me legally, (of course not to mention emotionally). We keep our business finances separate so that is not a problem.
Help help. I keep going over this in my mind and it is driving me crazy.

teke

don't know anything about the legal part, but it is good that you are reaching out for help. just want to offer my support.

tropikgal2

Thanks Teke! It;s just one day at a time!! At least I am being practical....

dollydo

Well, from a legal standpoint, you may want to consult an attorney.

The problem comes in that "IF" he gets sued for maiming or killing someone,under the influence, you are at great financial risk.

As for the emotional part of it...you have to reach your bottom, where do you want to be 5 years from now, and, how are you going to get there.

I've been where you are, it's quite scary, yet with a plan it will work out.

Keep posting, it will help.

Dolly

duet_4-8

Hi,
I would say check out the legalities for the reasons that dolly stated. I had the same concerns about losing our home if AH wrecked DUI or something and hurt or killed someone.

I am in Tennessee so the laws may be different, but my attorney told me that if I knew that illegal drug use was happening and 'looked the other way' that I could be liable as well.

I can't comment much on the other question because my AH has never been in any kind of recovery program. He is supposed to go to a Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight, but we are seperated so I have no idea if he will or not.

I am learning to let him take care of it while I take care of me and the kids. He was just served with divorce papers last Friday. We have been together for 25 years, and the whole thing just sucks.

I agree with dolly on having a plan, too.

Make a contingency plan so that if you need to get out, you are able to. Having a plan in place made all the difference for me when I knew that I had had enough. That way you are not just reacting to a crisis and you can thing clearly about what you would need in order to do what you have to do.

Hope things work out for you, and I am sure they will. Glad to have you here!

(((hugs)))

newblue82

Hey, Tropikgal2. I too suggest that you consult an attorney and let him know what your current situation is; I mean it can't hurt to get some professional advice even if it doesn't come to be necessary to follow through. As for the devil/angel conversation. . .hmmm. . .sounds similar to what my exAGF used to say to me that it was a constant, everyday battle within her not to use drugs.

She tried to explain to me how fragile a state she always was in especially during her days of sobriety. All I could do was listen, tell her how proud I was of her for staying clean, how strong she was to fight the urge, and to confess that I'd never truly understand what she was going through.

I imagine you've done pretty well coming this far with him. And if you decide to keep going the distance by his side, I wish you luck. If not, only you know what's best for you and I hope you find happiness and prosperity. Best wishes

Wascally Wabbit

Its only natural to want to protect your interests expecialy when you dealing with an addict who can't make good decisions.
Would he be willing to sign the house into your name? Perhaps you could buy him out.
I don't really know too much about that, but I do hope peace surrounds you today.

tropikgal2

Thank you all for your advice. Am meeting with the lawyer this morning. It is convoluted because we actually have property and businesses spread out over 3 States and I, personally, own property in another country (and a bank account there too, thank God!). His sister is here visiting and she is a wonderful source of inspiration and goodness.
Peace out.....

tropikgal2

Hangin' In, I PM'd you!!
Just to update, I saw the lawyer and she told me what steps to take in case something happened. If he relapses and won't leave on his own I can file a court order to force him out. All our property in Texas and Louisiana is community property and Arkansas has a similar law even though it is called something else. We attained ALL our assets after marriage (we've been married a long time), so if we couldn't split them peaceably, the court would divide them. We have no children and my property outside the US is non sequitur. I, of course, hope it doesn't come down to all that, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Right now he is being communicative and positive. It is good that his sister is here (she posts on this board too); he loves and respects her, so their time together is precious right now.
Thank you all for your responses!
Have a good weekend and dont' forget to change your clocks forward!!!

blackbird

Good for you Tropi, you sound a smart lady and you are right to protect yourself and all of your investments in case the devil takes charge of husband as he states, he deals with this daily and at least in my opinion he was honest with you, but honesty doesn't save you from pain and loss when and if he relapses. But you pointed out that you have been toghether a really long time and that's an investment too, so what plan do you also have to protect that? I know that his addiciton is ultimatly up to him as to whether he is active or recovering, but here you have reached out, so I hope that you will look into ways of emotionally dealing with this as well, for you and for your life with him together. peace-blackbird

tropikgal2

Thanks Blackbird,
I don't really have a plan if he relapses other than separate from him. I just can not tolerate the cycle of abuse and dis-use that so many here have been subjected to. Knowingly being with an active addict would compromise my values and emotional balance (among other things ) and it is just too much d*mn stress. I am too old for for crap like that. I go to my therapy and meditate and pray and that is what I do for now. If he relapses I will just cross that bridge when I get there!