Jewelz

Well I am sitting here at work thinking about what I want to write about.... I think to myself do I want to be brutally honest about whats going on in my life now, sugar coat it so it doesn't seem so bad or not say anything at all. For some reason what you all think about means a lot to me and it holds me back a lot of times from posting. But I will talk about some things so I can let it out and hopefully feel a little better.

He is using no surprise there. He hasn't gone off the deep end yet but I am not in denial here I know it will come if he doesn't make any changes. I see the progression in his addiction, he chooses not to see it, he thinks since he is not going crazy for it yet that he's okay. I don't point it out to him I am done with that part, done trying to save, plead and beg him not to use.

We talked last night actually talk.... it's been about a minute since we had a ocnversation. He said he knows what he has ( meaning me), knows that if I found another man, throw him out that it was all because of him because he is doing wrong and that he can't say nothing wrong about me because it's all his doing.

I explained to him that the reason why I havent asked him to leave yet is because I want to be mentally ready to have him go. That I dont want to say leave and then a week later you call me asking to come back and I say yeah. I want it that when I tell you to go that thats it, it would be completely over and I will never go back. I told him I feel like I am almost to that point almost but not quite there yet. I pulled out my two hands and said one was drugs and the other was family, and told him he has choice to make, and to think about which one would pain him more in losing because he can not have both it's either one or another. He stood quiet and didnt say nothing else.

to all of you here I want to be ready, i wish I was ready really really do I wish I could just say leave, make believe he is dead and that would be it but I dont have it in me yet. I dont want to make empty threats anymore I wnat to mean what I say when I say it. but I am also ashamed to say he is still home to all of you, ashamed to think that you all would think I am crazy, and stupid. I know I dont want this life and I also know i deserve more to it. I can't even pray for myself how crazy is that. When I start praying I think of all the people who are going through the same thing so what would my prayer do, why would I be so important to my HP when so many others are going through the same.

*Sigh* Well I got some of it out, thanks for listening.

Hugs,
Jewel

Noah812

Sounds to me like you are doing better than you know. If the time comes that you want to tell him to leave and you do, you will have your closure your way. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all played the yoo-yoo game with our addcits, I did, until there was much more pain than there was joy in the game, then I walked away. You will be fine, hold your head up and smile.

Cupicake

Jewelz...Don't ever and I mean ever think that any of us would think you are stupid and have that hold you back from speaking your mind. If I had even the nerve to think you are stupid for staying with him then I would definitely have to think that of myself for the length of time I chose to stay with my exah. I couldn't let go of him for the life of me no matter what anyone said. Sure I had their voices in my head telling me what to do but I couldn't do anything until it was my own voice telling me to let him go. As a matter of fact I refused to do anything until I heard my own voice and made sure I let everyone know exactly how I felt. Your voice is the only one that counts when you get to the bottom of it all. Take your time and your time will come if it is meant to and if you want it to. AND...! You are very important to your HP. Yes we are all going through our own thing but you are too...don't forget that you are also worth it. You deserve your HP looking after you just like our HP looks after us.
**By the way...I'm doing Jury Duty and you're right...they do have computers here - - obviously since I'm logged on. It's very cool.

cinderellawkids

Jewelz being honest with yourself is all you can do right now. I am going through tehe same thing. I have not yet, once again thrown my addict out because I know Id take him back at this point. For now the ping pong ball act is worse on the kids and I cant put them through that again until Im really through.

We are all here for you no matter what you are doing. Positive support is what you need, no matter your decision or actions.

My mom said last night how many more years are you going to waste on the loser. Comments like that from her only detach her and I more and now she's trying to manipulate me with promises of gifts (must be how I learned that)

Do what your ready to do as your ready and if you need to vent, vent away we are here anytime.

teke

now jewelz, you know that we are not gonna allow you to feel ashame, so just go ahead and except that and get over that part.

i've been doing this back and forth so long until i ought to be ashamed, but i'm not. i'm having to ignore the thought of having to come here and tell you guys that my rah has relapsed( hadn't happened yet, i don't think) but i pray that i won't feel ashamed. i think is a part of recovery maybe for the both of you. maybe you both are not ready yet, that don't mean that it won't be soon. i think that the choice is yours to decide in your own time.

i told my rah that one reason that i didn't want a divorce unless i had to is because i didn't want him to be a statistic, you should have seen his face.

i think that you are doing so well, at least you are not afraid to tell him what is options are. i understand what's it like to not be ready. i'm back with mine too. today, i don't think about whether i'm ready or not, time will tell me when its time for him to go, until then i take it one day at a time, until i can't take no more. i'm doing the best i can to keep the focus on me and be prepard to take care of myself financially if he does have to eventually leave.

i know its scary, but like you guys told me, until i know i'm ready, take it slow. whats the rush, if the time comes, you'll know and if you try to detach mentally and emotionally just a little at a time, may then you will be prepared.

him leaving may not be the worst thing could happen to the both of you, it may be what save his life and your sanity. god knows how to direct him to where he needs to be and back to you, if its meant to be. so breathe. keeping you both in my prayers

hope213

it helps to talk things out,with him & with us. i am glad you did. you are not crazy for staying with him,,maybe now is not the time to give up on him.in the rooms we here the phrase "they (drug addict) left before the miracle.that phrase also applies to us..sometimes if we wait it out our miracle happens,they get clean.keep praying for him & yourself & our addicts too, our H.P. hears us & miracles do happen. hugs,hope

Live2Ride

Jewelz - I don't know what to say to you other than I feel like we are all part of the same family here and my heart goes out to you. It is hard and even after you take that step it doesn't get any easier.....or it hasn't for me. I don't when I will get to the point of it's really over for good because I love him still. I think you are doing the right thing to make sure you don't do something and go back and undo it later. This is something I hope for everyday that I will have the strength to keep my word that until a year clean he out of my life.

I am struggling right now also because there for a while, I was feeling so proud of myself for taking this step and actually felt good about it. But so much is going on in my life right now that I feel like I am about to break.

I have seen your words of wisdom to others and God may have a reason why that little voice is saying....not just yet Jewelz. Best of luck to you!

cmc

I don't think you are crazy or stupid....and I hope you know that there is no shaming or blaming going on either. Your honesty is admirable and telling of good recovery.

I can hide behind the 'recovery talk' and keep people out of my business just as easily as if I was in total denial. It's sort of like- to me- going to counseling and not telling the dr. what the problems really are- or like cleaning my house before the maid arrives!

Thank you for placing your trust in us here and for being willing to expose the thoughts and feelings you have. It's a huge thing.

Jewelz, your situation is what it is and you are only ready to do or say those things you are able to do. I do think it's good that you want your words and decisions to mean something and not to waiver. I remember once being told that _I_ do have the right to change my mind- and that was freeing to me. Once I had given that to myself- I found I actually had a better, stronger resolve once I did make decisions. So...it really is up to you, what you can live with and you get to decide your own terms...with anyone. The beauty of recovery is that it overflows into all areas of life.

now about this:
Your problems, my problems and everyone else's...ARE just as important as the other. In my faith...even the smallest issue is worthy of prayer and not considered trivial. If one was to use a different logic...consider how much MORE important your prayer is because we all share the same pain. Everytime one person suffers or rejoices others feel it too.
When you said you can't pray for yourself right now...well, that's okay- you can pray for me and all the rest here and we can do the same for you- that's what recovery is all about.
big hugs,
cmc

Jewelz

I am sitting here at work with my eyes watering up because of all the support you give me. I don't feel so strong right now and wish I could do what people think is right. I havent even told my mom that he has relapse I cant deal with her right now. It would be to much for me at the moment. I would have to deal with exactly what Cinderella had said and I dont want to anymore. Basically what i am trying to say is thank you from the bottem of my heart.

Hugs,
jewel

Hangin' In

First, your honesty is admirable.

And good move regarding knowing you need to be ready, mentally & emotionally, when/if the time comes. Jewelz, your HP will let you know when the time is right. Trust that.

I liked what you told him telling him he can't have both. I've often heard a double winner who attends my Al Anon meeting say that it wasn't until she was about to lose what she wasn't willing to give up (her kids), that she sought recovery.

Now this can be tricky because some would use that as a way to try threaten & manipulate...I won't do this if you'll get clean. I know that is not what you are doing here, but just wanted to clarify that for a newcomer who might be reading this and is confused about setting boundaries, thinking we can get the addict to DO anything. You might as well try to teach dogs to talk.

Jewelz, boundary setting is one of the best things I've learned through my 12 step program. I have to decide what is and what isn't acceptable behavior. Once I've defined that, and look at in the light of doing what is best for me, I've been able to set my boundaries more easily.

I'm keeping you in my prayers, Jewelz. I think you are doing the right thing, wanting to talk about it, look closely at how you are feeling and make your decisions based on sound thinking.

I know your HP has your best interest at heart and he'll direct you, Jewelz.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. Just read your response above mine. Honey, all you need to do is what YOU think is right, not what anyone else thinks is right. And I know, I know, that is the problem. You don't know what is right. Oh, how I understand. I think this is where one of the good ole slogans comes in..."One day at a time". Just stay in today, Jewelz. You don't have to make a decision by 5:00 p.m. (((((((((((((((((Jewelz))))))))))))))))))

outonalimb

Jewelz...

You might feel stuck in recovery sometimes but you aren't...not by a long shot. Everyone here understands the dilemma you face... There isn't one person here who doesn't 'get it'... Its heartwrenching...and its so easy to get down on yourself and feel inadequate but please don't do that to yourself.

The only thing I can offer...as the exwife of an addict who has a child with him...is that the black and white thinking that you have to be completely in or completely out of the relationship is unrealistic and dangerous. Realistically, your bf will NEVER be out of your life as long as he is alive because of your son. We can't just walk away and 'be done' with it because of our children. The best and only thing you can do is what feels right TODAY. As long as your have your boundries in place and protect yourself from the fall-out of his addiction, you'll be okay. As much as it hurts to think that the addict might spiral down into addiction, our recovery is about knowing that we'll be okay no matter what happens. You know you can't control him...you've given up trying to save him from himself...and that, to me, is the biggest and most important part of recovery... Be proud of yourself for getting to that point and have faith in your ability to do whats right when the time is right.

There is no magic formula for figuring this all out...thats for sure...and each person has to find their own way...I'm just grateful that I have such wonderful people to share the journey with!!

Hugs and support...

Mavis

You are travelling were you want to go! Good for you!
It's a step closer to where you want to be.

cinderellawkids

Jewelz
The one thing Ive learned in this is when dealing with your Ah and talking to him honestly the more you do so and explain calmly the more they seem to understand. I always acted just as irrational as he did, but when I speak from the bottom of my heart the response is different, and for me, it is important to leave things calmly because then I feel better adn no guilt.

Lovestoomuch

Oh honey.......what is right for me won't always be right for you and that goes for everyone else. What matters is what's right for you and if that means not doing anything until you're ready than that's what you should do.

I wasn't put on this earth to judge. There are no judges here. You do have a lot of friends here......folks that care a lot about you and will be standing right beside you no matter what.

You're honesty is refreshing and it takes a strong person to get past her own fears of being ridiculed and just say it like it is. I think you're doing fantabulous Jewelz.

CatsPajamas

One of the best and most difficult concepts my dear sainted sponsor taught me is this:

What other people think of me is none of my business.

You have to make your decisions and take your actions when they are right for you. Not for anyone else. People here with some recovery under their belt will share their experience, strength and hope. They will tell you what worked for them and what didn't, and what they might have done differently if they'd been practicing recovery when they took an action.

Time takes time, jewelz, and you'll know when it's time.

HUGS

Cat

cece1960

((((Jewelz)))
Reading your post, I see recovery EXACTLY as it is intended...your terms in your time. YOU have taken control of your life, and you have detached in the hardest of ways, emotionally while they are still there.
I really believe in my signature line, and the "when" is an important word.
I never asked my son to leave, even though there were times that I should have. I knew that some of my pain was a result of this, and that I had choices that even if hard to make, were there if I needed.
I wasn't ready either.
If things would have progressed rather than improved, I may have had to act differently. I will never know if I "could" have, I hope so, but I am thankful that it didn't come to that.
I can't assume to know where others are in the process.
Never be ashamed... I can guarentee you this one post has already helped another.
Thats what this is all about
((((Hugs))))
Cece

blizzard77

Hey Jewelz,
I've been MIA for awhile because my computer got messed up and I had to send it in to be fixed. I've missed coming here and reading or venting. I appplaud your honesty. I am in a situation where he is gone from my environment 650 miles away but continues to take up space in my heart and mind. I have the choice of no contact but yet I still speak to him. Not about getting back together but rather how difficult this process of letting eachother go is after so many years and so much history. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through but it does get better with time. I know I will always love him but I also know I can't live with or be married to an addict. He says he'd like to come home. He "wants to quit" but says he has the fear that if he does and relapses he's out the door again. I don't want him to come home unless he has at least a year or more of sobriety working a program. We are both realistic about the future (being apart) it's just so difficult to let eachother go. I often wish I could take the part of my brain that loves him and have it removed then my heart and my head wouldn't have this struggle with eachother.

dollydo

No words of wisdom here, this is your journey through life, not mine.

Can I lie and say I understand....No, this I cannot do...yet I can say I support your decisions, for you...no judgement from me....we all choose our own path in life...and, this is good...not to be a carbon copy of someone else...

I am in your corner, whatever you decide to do,....and remember...they key to your future lies in your hands......not his.

funkzter

((Jewel))

I'm sorry he has relapsed and, as you know, i totally feel you as i'm going through the exact same thing right now.
I, too, haven't said Rain relapsed to my friends/family as i know they won't understand why i stick with him.
However, i told one friend and she suprised me by sending me the following email:
"Don't give up now, you have gone thru all this way, hey remember there are more people out there in this world who are in much hideous condition compare this, so chin up and be stronger!!"
surprising huh?
Anyway, if it is not the time, it's not the time. Accept this idea and you will feel a bit better already.

Thinking of you xoxo
Carine

duet_4-8

I needed to hear this today, too.

Jewelz,
There is no blame or shame here. We are all in the same boat. It has taken me 15 years to get to my 'enough' point. I used the same analogy with my AH, the two hands-family or drugs-which one do you want? He wants the family but he doesn't want to do any work to keep it.

You do what is right for you for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. We are all behind you no matter what you do!


(((hugs)))