Need to learn a little more about making clean breaks...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Need to learn a little more about making clean breaks...
As if such clean breaks even exist in my world these days. 
Broke up with ABF this past weekend... he showed back up that same night but not to fight with me or try to change my mind... almost like to say goodbye?
Well, did well for the past few days, but today he sent me a message and I did respond and did tell him I miss him - which is incredibly, undeniably true. Don't want to get back with him - well, I would want to get back with him if I could insure that basically the entire world would change and we could have a future - but in the REAL world, know that I made the right decision and, that if I were to slide backwards... I would end up in the same puddle of pain a few months down the line... and I don't want to come back, I want to move forward.
I've been beating myself up and down about telling him that I miss him - not that it incited any other response from him. What I mean is that he apparently knows I am serious (perhaps viewing me as stronger and more resolute than I really even am, which is good) and he is not trying to push me back or anything at all. So it's not a mixed-message type of beating myself up.
Just beating myself up in the absolutely usual way that I do - for not being strong enough, for not being sure enough, for not being "good" enough to do this the "right" way... logically, I know that I can't be Superwoman all the time, but I just feel like I can't even make a da*@*# decision and then follow through with it. At the same time, my heart is not, in fact, made of ice and the truth is that I miss him more than I have missed any romantic partner... and of course I am going to feel that way.
I guess I just am feeling really down on myself, when I thought I would maybe give myself a few pats on the back for making a healthy decision for once.
Once again... left wondering what is wrong with me...
Broke up with ABF this past weekend... he showed back up that same night but not to fight with me or try to change my mind... almost like to say goodbye?
Well, did well for the past few days, but today he sent me a message and I did respond and did tell him I miss him - which is incredibly, undeniably true. Don't want to get back with him - well, I would want to get back with him if I could insure that basically the entire world would change and we could have a future - but in the REAL world, know that I made the right decision and, that if I were to slide backwards... I would end up in the same puddle of pain a few months down the line... and I don't want to come back, I want to move forward.
I've been beating myself up and down about telling him that I miss him - not that it incited any other response from him. What I mean is that he apparently knows I am serious (perhaps viewing me as stronger and more resolute than I really even am, which is good) and he is not trying to push me back or anything at all. So it's not a mixed-message type of beating myself up.
Just beating myself up in the absolutely usual way that I do - for not being strong enough, for not being sure enough, for not being "good" enough to do this the "right" way... logically, I know that I can't be Superwoman all the time, but I just feel like I can't even make a da*@*# decision and then follow through with it. At the same time, my heart is not, in fact, made of ice and the truth is that I miss him more than I have missed any romantic partner... and of course I am going to feel that way.
I guess I just am feeling really down on myself, when I thought I would maybe give myself a few pats on the back for making a healthy decision for once.
Once again... left wondering what is wrong with me...
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
But you are strong and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you honey. Breakups aren't easy under any circumstance and your emotions are going to be up and down for possibly some time to come. Don't be down on yourself for missing him or any other way you may be feeling. I'd be more concerned about you if you felt nothing at all.
I wanted more from my exabf than he could guarantee me too and the fact of the matter is there are no guarantees. So, we make a decision. If it makes you feel any less down on yourself........I teetered back and forth on my decision to end it for a while until I knew I was ready to make the break.........and even then I was sort of walking around lost in a fog for a while.
As painful as it can be........walking away from a relationship that just isn't healthy for you takes a strong person to do.......a very strong person. That doesn't mean you don't love him anymore........it just means you've learned to love yourself more.
I wanted more from my exabf than he could guarantee me too and the fact of the matter is there are no guarantees. So, we make a decision. If it makes you feel any less down on yourself........I teetered back and forth on my decision to end it for a while until I knew I was ready to make the break.........and even then I was sort of walking around lost in a fog for a while.
As painful as it can be........walking away from a relationship that just isn't healthy for you takes a strong person to do.......a very strong person. That doesn't mean you don't love him anymore........it just means you've learned to love yourself more.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Sounds to me like you deserve a pat on the back. I know how you feel. I've walked out on RAH, and made him leave, many many times. I never can stick with it, guess I'm not very good at sticking to my decisions either. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing.
But, it sounds to me like you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. I think it's ok to tell him that you miss him, I really do. It's the truth, don't beat yourself up over it. You haven't let him come back and it sounds like he realizes that you mean what you say. Yup, sounds pretty strong to me.
((((trying)))) Give yourself a few pats on the back.... you deserve them.
But, it sounds to me like you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. I think it's ok to tell him that you miss him, I really do. It's the truth, don't beat yourself up over it. You haven't let him come back and it sounds like he realizes that you mean what you say. Yup, sounds pretty strong to me.
((((trying)))) Give yourself a few pats on the back.... you deserve them.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: BFE
Posts: 116
Thanks ladies.
Just sucks, you know.... this guy isn't "mean" to me... or even "un-nice" to me... just has a horrible problem that he won't get help for and it threatens important things in my life... and I hate having to weigh a person against anything... but basically that is what I did. Perhaps that is what I am feeling bad about... feeling as though I have relegated him to a spreadsheet where his name is on the "bad" side or somehow cancels out other things that it just isn't fair to me to lose... that's probably what it really comes down to...
We will all survive. I keep trying to remember that there is really no way around the pain... you've eventually got to go right through it to end up on the other side... I've been boxing with God on this one for far too long and am just a little tired, I guess.
I am, ultimately, the kind of person who could never have been 100% comfortable with this man based on the effort that he has put forth to try and make me feel secure... it's just not enough. That doesn't change the fact that, despite the fact that "I" made the decision, it still feels like someone slapped me across the face and it stings like a bit*#* right now.
Just sucks, you know.... this guy isn't "mean" to me... or even "un-nice" to me... just has a horrible problem that he won't get help for and it threatens important things in my life... and I hate having to weigh a person against anything... but basically that is what I did. Perhaps that is what I am feeling bad about... feeling as though I have relegated him to a spreadsheet where his name is on the "bad" side or somehow cancels out other things that it just isn't fair to me to lose... that's probably what it really comes down to...
We will all survive. I keep trying to remember that there is really no way around the pain... you've eventually got to go right through it to end up on the other side... I've been boxing with God on this one for far too long and am just a little tired, I guess.
I am, ultimately, the kind of person who could never have been 100% comfortable with this man based on the effort that he has put forth to try and make me feel secure... it's just not enough. That doesn't change the fact that, despite the fact that "I" made the decision, it still feels like someone slapped me across the face and it stings like a bit*#* right now.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I made an actual list!! Yes I did. My future was in my hands and yet I loved that .......man.....for sake of a better word.......with all my heart.
Let me tell you a true story. My latest step dad was a cocaine addict. You wouldn't have known it though. He was the nicest man I've ever been privliged to know in my entire 39 years. He never raised his voice to my mother, never hit her......always treated my sister and I like we were his own.
What we didn't know is my mom's house was in foreclosure, the lights were getting cut off, the phone had been disconnected and her wedding ring was gone. This man who could have warmed the heart of the devil himself lost everything they had to his addiction. My mother had to start completely over at age 58.
He's since passed on and I miss him and the way he had about him. But I couldn't imagine being in my mother's footsteps at her age.......and there are alot of women and men who have to do it. It's very real and very scarey. Drugs suck!! What drugs do to people suck!!
Let me tell you a true story. My latest step dad was a cocaine addict. You wouldn't have known it though. He was the nicest man I've ever been privliged to know in my entire 39 years. He never raised his voice to my mother, never hit her......always treated my sister and I like we were his own.
What we didn't know is my mom's house was in foreclosure, the lights were getting cut off, the phone had been disconnected and her wedding ring was gone. This man who could have warmed the heart of the devil himself lost everything they had to his addiction. My mother had to start completely over at age 58.
He's since passed on and I miss him and the way he had about him. But I couldn't imagine being in my mother's footsteps at her age.......and there are alot of women and men who have to do it. It's very real and very scarey. Drugs suck!! What drugs do to people suck!!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Thanks for sharing that Loves... sometimes things like that really put it all into perspective.
Sometimes I think about what would happen if he were to "get" me into trouble with his own use... which is SO possible, because we all know that caring about anyone or anything when you're after the drug is impossible for the addict... and I think about how I would feel, everyone thinking, "Oh, poor Trying..." or even worse, "She must have been right in the mix with him the whole time" or whatever. I think what I think about most, though, is how incredibly disappointed I would be in myself for not taking better care of me, and somehow expecting this person who can't even figure out how to stop using drugs to do it for me!
At first I was kind of offended that he hasn't tried harder to "get me back". Logically, I know that this is a blessing and just one more indicator that God is involved in the situation and is guiding us all... and also, I kind of wonder if maybe, deep down or not so deep down, it wasn't a huge relief for him to have all of that "guilt" associated with trying to meet my expectations lifted... or maybe he's just in a haze, like I am, not really understanding exactly what is going on or what the consequences are... and hasn't started really "feeling" yet... I don't know. I don't really need to know, I guess.
I do miss him, terribly. I feel certain there will be more "bad" nights to come. But I also feel certain that I won't ultimately miss never, ever knowing deep down that everything will be "okay" between the two of us, because I'm not sure that there is anything in the world that anyone could do, at least for a long time, to restore that feeling, if it ever even really existed in the first place.
Thanks for listening...
Sometimes I think about what would happen if he were to "get" me into trouble with his own use... which is SO possible, because we all know that caring about anyone or anything when you're after the drug is impossible for the addict... and I think about how I would feel, everyone thinking, "Oh, poor Trying..." or even worse, "She must have been right in the mix with him the whole time" or whatever. I think what I think about most, though, is how incredibly disappointed I would be in myself for not taking better care of me, and somehow expecting this person who can't even figure out how to stop using drugs to do it for me!
At first I was kind of offended that he hasn't tried harder to "get me back". Logically, I know that this is a blessing and just one more indicator that God is involved in the situation and is guiding us all... and also, I kind of wonder if maybe, deep down or not so deep down, it wasn't a huge relief for him to have all of that "guilt" associated with trying to meet my expectations lifted... or maybe he's just in a haze, like I am, not really understanding exactly what is going on or what the consequences are... and hasn't started really "feeling" yet... I don't know. I don't really need to know, I guess.
I do miss him, terribly. I feel certain there will be more "bad" nights to come. But I also feel certain that I won't ultimately miss never, ever knowing deep down that everything will be "okay" between the two of us, because I'm not sure that there is anything in the world that anyone could do, at least for a long time, to restore that feeling, if it ever even really existed in the first place.
Thanks for listening...
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are in so much pain, it does get better. at least you sound like you know what you don't want. maybe you could do what you can to keep your mind occupied, try changing those thoughts if you find yourself obsessing.
i have been where you are more times than i can count, and you don't have anything to feel bad about. what you feel, i think, would be normal for any breakup, besides he hasn't been gone that long, even though i know that it feels like eternity. this could be the break that you both need, for him to reach his bottom and for you to find you.
i found it easier for me if i didn't futurize or finalize anything in my own mind at first. try to allow time to help you decide when to do that. maybe not look at it like a forever thing, maybe just a one day a time thing. try not to think about what might happen tommorrow at all, stay in the day. it helped me a lot. futurizing makes it feel like a death or something. when my ah would have to leave, i would talk to him went i could and felt strong enough and when i couldn't i didn't. i don't think there is nothing wrong in telling him how you feel, its what you do after you let him know how you feel
in my opinion, i don't think that you have heard the last of him, so if i may, i suggest that you dive deeper into your recovery, go to more meeting so as to get yourself prepared for more of his promises. don't get caught off guard. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i have been where you are more times than i can count, and you don't have anything to feel bad about. what you feel, i think, would be normal for any breakup, besides he hasn't been gone that long, even though i know that it feels like eternity. this could be the break that you both need, for him to reach his bottom and for you to find you.
i found it easier for me if i didn't futurize or finalize anything in my own mind at first. try to allow time to help you decide when to do that. maybe not look at it like a forever thing, maybe just a one day a time thing. try not to think about what might happen tommorrow at all, stay in the day. it helped me a lot. futurizing makes it feel like a death or something. when my ah would have to leave, i would talk to him went i could and felt strong enough and when i couldn't i didn't. i don't think there is nothing wrong in telling him how you feel, its what you do after you let him know how you feel
in my opinion, i don't think that you have heard the last of him, so if i may, i suggest that you dive deeper into your recovery, go to more meeting so as to get yourself prepared for more of his promises. don't get caught off guard. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Thanks everyone. Yes, Teke, so true - it doesn't really matter if I think about it in terms of forever (which can be so overwhelming in countless ways) or if I just try to get through the day (which is much better) because, no matter how much I "plan", the world still comes at me one day at a time. And my "plans", by the way, never seem to prepare me for much anyway and 99.00% of the time rarely come to fruition as I would have thought.
I feel better today. I feel like I made a healthy decision for myself. I agree that I probably haven't seen or heard the last of him, but at least I get a little time to feel the distance, which may just be a lot more comforting and comfortable than I suspected it would be.
I just noticed last night that when I went to the grocery store, I spent at least $50 less. I tried to figure out why, because I didn't think I tried to save... and then I realized that I wasn't buying his beverage of choice, his "snacks", his stuff... which is funny, because this man didn't even live with me and of course never went grocery shopping for me... also, my house is a lot cleaner and I've gotten so much done during the evenings since he has been away... in terms of work, been exercising more, watching myfavorite shows without interruption and spending more time on the phone catching up with friends and family...guess that the blessings may be a little more difficult to spot, but they are there all the same.
I feel better today. I feel like I made a healthy decision for myself. I agree that I probably haven't seen or heard the last of him, but at least I get a little time to feel the distance, which may just be a lot more comforting and comfortable than I suspected it would be.
I just noticed last night that when I went to the grocery store, I spent at least $50 less. I tried to figure out why, because I didn't think I tried to save... and then I realized that I wasn't buying his beverage of choice, his "snacks", his stuff... which is funny, because this man didn't even live with me and of course never went grocery shopping for me... also, my house is a lot cleaner and I've gotten so much done during the evenings since he has been away... in terms of work, been exercising more, watching myfavorite shows without interruption and spending more time on the phone catching up with friends and family...guess that the blessings may be a little more difficult to spot, but they are there all the same.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support. My family was really happy that I decided to break it off with him, for me, as I'm sure they probably should be - but I can't even think about bringing up a conversation like this with them for fear that they will flip out thinking it automatically means I'm taking him back...
I guess the thing is, that I don't want to lead him on or make him think that I am not serious. But as I said, he did not seem to respond that way at all.
I guess we'll see what happens.
I guess the thing is, that I don't want to lead him on or make him think that I am not serious. But as I said, he did not seem to respond that way at all.
I guess we'll see what happens.
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