obsessive thinking

Old 03-07-2007, 03:36 PM
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givingback2day's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: My own mind...too much
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Question obsessive thinking

Hello everyone.

It has been a while since I have reached out and shared and today i need the support and the strength, hop, and experience of other. My ex-Ag has returned home from a 90 day stay at a theraputic community (Daytop). Prior to her self admission, she was struggling with an opiate addiction that devolved into heroin use. She cycled in and out of active addiction for a couple of years and finally stood up and placed herself into rehabilitation. Prior to that we had separated for about 7 months. I had supported her in attempted recovery and active addiction bursts for a year or so. I had set a boundary of honesty that I stood by and finally pulled out of the relationship. I still maintained contact with her and supported her as a friend when she reached out. I love her dearly but I am not willing to deal with dishonesty and my ability to trust her is almost non-existent.

She never injured me or attacked me, but her inability to be honest was crippling and did damage I am still not sure at times will ever be healed.

I am active in a program. i attend meetings when I need to and post and view support websites daily. i also am well read on addiction and codependancy. I have daily meditations, go to the gym to release tension, and try and support her family in this as well.

My struggle is in my choice to maintain a relationship with her and when and if i should allow it to develop strength. I have dated others and it is a shame but they suffer for her actions towards me. and at the same time i don't think i am capable of loving another woman as long as my feelings for her are still so strong.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

I am not sure how to even start rebuilding trust.
I am not sure if i should withdraw and isolate myself as to avoid the pain of another loss with her.
I am obsessing in ridiculous fashion and am so unsure of what to do.

I need help.

Has anyone rekindled a relationship with someone in recovery and had success? If so, what did you do to protect yourself and how did you build trust again.

I understand the "lying" is part of the disease, but really, how much can you take without totally separating?

Thanks for letting me share.

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Old 03-07-2007, 04:39 PM
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Oh, giving, I really feel for you in this.

It sounds as though you've worked so hard on your own recovery. Literally, I was wide-eyed reading your description of how you've handled the last year or so, because you've worked a program to a T and I'm awestruck.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this confusing place, though. I was one of the lucky ones.....after trying to fight it out within the relationship (not literally) for years, I finally found the strength to put some distance between me and my XABF, and in that distance I found clarity....and found that I no longer had strong feelings for him. As I said, lucky.

It sounds as though you've NOT found that clarity in your distance, and so I am at a loss for any advice to give. What do you feel your motivation is for wanting to be with your AGF at this juncture? To have the closeness? To avoid the ickiness of dating? (I hate it, personally) To try to gain back a certain feeling you had about yourself (or her) when you were healthy together? Are your motives pure, do you think, or are they cluttered with other kinds of fear that don't have to do with her?

I don't know the right answer in your situation, but I am sending you a big wave of hope, strength, and love for yourself, in the hopes that it will help you find your journey's next steps.

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Old 03-07-2007, 04:55 PM
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Wow when I read this post I was amazed! I am going through these same feelings myself so I have no advice. My twist is that I am married to cah and have a son. I have told him that he can not be part of my life until he has a year clean. On my way home from work, I thought ok, if he does and I mean IF he gets that accomplished, how will I ever trust him again. I was raised that a liar is as bad as a theif and boy has he lied to me a LOT!

I am interested to see how others respond but know that I understand exactly where you are coming from!!!
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Old 03-07-2007, 05:38 PM
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Hi GB2D,
Glad you've stopped in!
I really don't have profound answers...I've not been in your situation.
But a phrase used here at times came to mind...
"Fake it til you Make it"
To me that often means letting time heal wounds, and trying our best to make sense of things in the meantime.
I wish you the best
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:04 PM
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Location: atlanta, ga.
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my hubby of 21yrs is the addict in my life and i know your concerns and fears oh so well. my rah is just out of rehab, 3mos clean, i think, and it has not been an easy ride. we spent most of those yrs seperated off and on, due to boundaries that i set for me. i have a trust issue too. sr, i thought i was

i had to learn to accept the facts that goes along with addiction and then decide for myself, what direction i wanted to go in concerning the relationship. i chose to allow my rah the chance to try and rebuild the trust that was lost due to his addictive behavior, but i'm also prepared to stick to set boudaries.

by trying to work on me and what is best for my life, i'm learnig to take the focus completely off of him and allow him to live his life however he chooses as long as i don't allow his choices to affect me and my life. i understand that there is nothing that i can do to help him stay clean that its his choice alone.

i accepted the fact that relapse is always a possibility and that there is always the chance of those old addictive behavior resurfacing without a warning. today, i don't obsessed about him and his addiction like in the past. i was told to expect the worse when it comes to relapse but hope for the best. having no expectation about my ah sobriety has worked for me so far.

i can say that it can get better if you chose to stay in the relationship but it is very important that you continue to focus on you and what you need to do for you and allow her to do the same. i think that the choice is yours, and maybe its time for you to seriously think about what you are contemplating here. it can be done i think but it will take time, lots of time and effort on her part and yours.

for me, time out for words. i need to see some action. in my opinion, i think that maybe you don't have to make any decision right now, you'll know when you know, just what it is that you should do to protect you from more hurt and disappointment.

don't know it you would call it success, for me, its way too soon to tell, but today, things are not as bad or as scary for me like it use to be. i think that it depends on the choices that we both make for our lives seperately.

maybe i'm just rambling here too. so i dont' know, but i think that all things are possible. i'm a recovering addict, and if i had to place bets on me the recovering addict, i would that the chance with me if i wanted to, but i'm being partial to myself, but if i had to advice someone else, i'd have to say that maybe you want to ask yourself a few questions. what do you expect out of this relationship with an addict? is this what you want the rest of you life to be like? are you willing to take the chance?

there are a lot of couples that end up doing really well. if i knew back then before i got married, i can't say that i would have done it anyway but i don't know how far i would have gone with it. its your decision, and we'll support you in whatever way you decide to go with this. keeping you in my prayers.
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