What would you do?????

Old 03-06-2007, 09:39 PM
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What would you do?????

Hey ya'll!!!! Haven't been around in awhile. Been very depressed and just barely dealing with many of the things in my life. Today though, I need a little advice. Xabf and I have been battling... again... over the child support and some other issues. Today, I got an email from his mom. As many of you may remember, we've been feuding for some time now. Anyhow, this is the email she sent me..............

"I wanted to thank you for being so good about keeping your end of the deal for monthly payments of the money I lent to you for your apartment. The purpose of the loan was to help you get on your feet and have a new beginning for you and J in a home you can call your own. I believe you have accomplished that and I hope things are easier for you as well.
For lent this year I would like to forgive your debt to me. You no longer need to send anymore payments. You are considered paid in full from this day on.
We enjoy every minute we get to spend with J; he is a wonderful little boy and seems to be doing nicely with all the changes that have taken place for him.
Have a Happy Easter"

Seems a like Godfather-ish to me. But just in general, with everything she's done in the past, I just don't exactly feel comfortable with this, and I just don't trust her. It's really only a small amount of money, I could have paid it off in full in the past, but continued to make monthly payments instead.

Sooooooo........ I had a couple of thoughts............
1) Write her back and say that I don't really feel comfortable allowing her to do that, and want to continue to make payments to her.
2) Take the money that I would have given to her and give it to charity.
3) Take the money and put it in J's account.
4) Write her back and tell her that I'd prefer that the money owed be deducted from the money that xabf owes for child support.

I need help on this one! Just not sure what's the right thing to do in this situation!

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Old 03-06-2007, 09:50 PM
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I think that not accepting the offer could be offensive to her...............maybe this is her "white flag" gesture to mend things between the two of you..................However taking the gesture (keeping the money) may be uncomfortable for you..............( it prob would be for me too)
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO I think a good compromise would be to write her back thank her.......tell her that you and little J love your home and that you will now be putting the remainder of the payments into J's account as a Gift from grandma...............for her help "helped" twice now with the house and again for J's fture/account..
Good luck
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Old 03-06-2007, 09:53 PM
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ps............the idea of knocking it of the X's child support..................I wouldnt do this. For one its not her responsibility to pay x's child support...........he shouldnt get off the hook like that.....right?
But giving the $$$$ directly to her grandchild for his future use.............seems like a good idea
Giving something up for lent..........I'm not catholic but isnt that a sacrific or a cleansing type bring one closer to god?
Maybe the rift between the two of you is on her this is why she chose this for her lent offering?
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Old 03-06-2007, 09:55 PM
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Dear Corine,

I'll admit when I first read your post, the email felt rather cold, but she did put it in writing so there is no way she can twist her offer.

Plus, the more I thought about it, as a codependent it is sometimes hard for me to just accept a gift, a compliment, a whatever...

If it were me today, I would send her a thank you note thanking her for her generous offer and let it go.

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Old 03-06-2007, 09:56 PM
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I just don't feel comfortable taking it because every nice gesture she's ever made has basically been a set up. I just don't want to walk into another set up.

I do like the idea of putting it in an account for J though!
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Old 03-06-2007, 10:01 PM
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I say accept the gift with grace, it was a kind gesture for Lent and regardless of her past relationship with you, this gesture shows kindness. A simple "thank you" should suffice, then spend the money on something special for you and little J. I don't think I'd attach conditions to it, just accept it and enjoy the little extra each month.

The codie in me makes me squirm a little when given a compliment or a gift, but today I just smile and feel grateful.

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Old 03-06-2007, 11:37 PM
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i agree with ann, especially since its a lent offering, this is something thats sacrid and don't think that this would be one of those things that she would play with. i think that it was a kind and god like gesture. keeping you and little j in my prayers.
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Old 03-07-2007, 12:12 AM
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Pay it back. Sorry to be so blunt, but if you have to go back to court for what your ex owes you this could be twisted around on you. It would be wonderful for you to be able to say thank you with grace and accept the gift, but you can also graciously decline and say you feel better about paying it off. This woman has done so many underhanded things in the past........especially for her son and I just don't trust her. They tell us to listen to our gut're my friend, I know what's happened, and my gut says this isn't something done out of the kindness of her heart.

I know there is some good in all people, but given the situation............not this time.
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Old 03-07-2007, 03:53 AM
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Loves makes a good point here, and my thoughts are that if you accept her offer maybe it would be good for her to put it in writing that the debt is considered paid in full.

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Old 03-07-2007, 04:28 AM
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If you signed a note to her for the money, I would have her mark the note paid in full, and sign it. If there wasn't a note, I wouldn't worry about it.

I'd thank her, and I would put the extra money in a savings account or a savings bond for J...a college fund. I would tell her what you are doing, in writing, and follow through.

Under no circumstances would I trade this money against child support, this is J's daddy's responsibility, not his Mom's.
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Old 03-07-2007, 04:33 AM
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Print the email and hang on to it. I would except the offer. It might ruffle more feathers declining it. She is the grandmother. You didn't ask her to do this. Iagree w/Ann. Use it to do something nice for you & J. Or save it for a rainy day. Try not to read to much into her gesture. It will drive you nuts.
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Old 03-07-2007, 05:21 AM
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I don't know the whole story. but from what you posted I'd say keep paying and tell your in-law that you'd feel better about completeing your responsibility. and at the same time thank the father for continueing being responsible for j. thank her also for the offer but tell her this feels right to you. besides, if you don't really trust her then she may try to pull off something shady later on and say you never paid. she may hold it over your head at some point.
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Old 03-07-2007, 06:03 AM
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I would graciously thank her and accept the offer...(and keep all the related emails)

perhaps the offer was made in good faith....
maybe it was an offer intended to be used against you at a later date...

your gracious acceptance might affect your mil...
we reap what we sow...
accept it with love and it just may change the motive of the giver

you can not control the thoughts or actions of anyone other than yourself
accept it as a gift of love and it will be a gift of love...
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Old 03-07-2007, 06:23 AM
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hey u! it's been awhile. glad your back for an update.
man! what an update.

i'd keep the money, say thanks graciously and move on.
who cares if she feels like a martyr.
if this is beneficial to you and j...that's where your priorities lie.
she can't hurt you if you don't let her.
plus you'll have extra money to save for that sweet boy's future.
he deserves it.
love to you both,
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:28 AM
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I say accept the gift and put it in J's account. Don't let yourself walk into any trap... Save the email put it in a safe place. I know it's hard to accept something from this woman giving the background but there are no conditions with her forgiveness of the loan. Take it hold on to it for J and let her know what your intentions are for the money.
I hope your able to come to a conclusion your comfortable with.

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Old 03-07-2007, 07:39 AM
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ok sometimes people can be real nuts,, and twist things and make mistakes. but maybe she really wants to change??.. i dont know,, go with your feeling,, i mean after all its her grandson so she wants his life to be good even if there is something between you and her. so i would keep the email,, and take the money and put it in js account , say thank you ,, and print the email and keep it. and if later on she wants o make something bad out of this,, than you have the email.
and really do what ann said becouse it will gurantee you,,.. hugs to you and your son
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:53 AM
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It's been my experience that I can never really know someone else's motives... and I used to make myself crazy by trying to figure it out.

Keeping a copy of the letter makes sense, as it discharges a debt, and is proof that the lender considers the debt paid in full.

I think its admirable of you to keep J's grandparents connected to him. That relationship is very important to all parties and you're a really great MOM for supporting it.

If it makes you feel better, tuck the $$ in the envelope along with the letter and put it in your safe place. You never know when it will be JUST the perfect amount for something special or unexpected!

Hugs - good to see you again

~ Cat
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:56 AM
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Put that money aside, either in J's account of a separate account, and don't touch it. If she demands it later or trys to turn it around on you in court, you'll have it Just In Case.

I wouldn't totally trust her either, but I wouldn't rock the boat by throwing it immediately back in ber face. If you save it and keep in separate then you are prepared for any eventuality.
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:05 AM
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Forgive US our trespasses, as we forgive those who trepass agains't us. Whats done is done. Move on in your life and be a better person. People do change and harboring negative thoughts only poisons us. Though I hold some deep resentments towards some people, I pray for them and only wish them well, and I feel better for it. Just my opinion and what works for my recovery.
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:07 AM
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Ok.........I've read everyone elses advice. I was just being an over-protective codie friend who has seen you drug through the muck........but I also believe that some people can change. I'd pray on it honey and go with your gut on this one. It's so hard to say, but I trust you'll make the right choice for you.
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