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What would you do?????

Old 03-07-2007, 08:18 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Okay...I'm a little skeptical about this and the timing of it. It's ironic that she "so graciously" extends this offer when you are in disputes with her son about child support. Coincidence? I don't think so. Manipulation...yeah...that's more likely. This, if it is indeed a tactic, does seem vaguely familiar to how she has dealt with things in the past.
I would, just as graciously, tell her that "Athough the sentiment is greatly appreciated and unexpected I do like to pay my debts in full. Accepting such a gift goes against the grain of who I am. Please continue to accept payment for the loan and if you choose you can buy J a gift for his birthday or put it into J's account for his future. Thank you for the very kind gesture."
This way, if she is using a tactic, you just showed her that people who owe money should be responsible for paying it - - like her son should. And it gives her that virtual slap on the hand to stay out of it.
If there are no ulterior motives then nothing changes and you still pay her back.
Just my opinion but you know how I feel about that lady Corine....
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:22 AM
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I like what Cupi said!!
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Old 03-07-2007, 09:16 AM
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Never - I have not read everyones posts above yet but how about this. Suggest that instead of her forgiving the debt to you that she instead take that payment and buy J bonds or to start him an account for college, car something. I think it could be a nice jesture or manipulation and is too hard to say. This way you are personally not indebted to her and yet she still can contribute to J. Oh and save the email electronic and maybe a printout in case it does come up later you have proof or your intentions and hers.
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Old 03-07-2007, 09:25 AM
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Hard to say, you can look at it as something she is doing for her grandson rather than for you. Lots of times people do things for someone and it just happens to benefit others around them. Money always causes such stickiness and gives someone else power over you. On the other hand, you have proof of what her intentions are, and why, so she can't come back later and complain. But, if you are in dispute with child support she could turn around and say "now that you no longer have to make payments to me you have more money" as a reason for you not pushing it with the ex.

on the other hand--don't look a gift horse in the mouth...???

I guess it depends on your immediate financial picture, if it is fairly dire then let it go, and have your situation improve, if you can afford it and it makes you feel like you are doing the right thing then keep paying or stash the money away for your child.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:14 AM
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Never,

I think cupicake's suggestion is perfect in every way. If it's financially do-able for you, it would show your integrity, your appreciation, and your inner strength......and would alleviate the possibility that your X would throw it into your face. I too am suspicious of the timing, but you have to be open to the possibility that it is genuine. This sort of response would be one that would allow me to re-establish my detachment quickly, and get on with my life.

Hope this all helps....I love what happens on SR when you post an innocent question like "What would you do...."

Love,
GL
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:20 AM
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Just to clarify a bit, why I'm soo suspicious........ the issue with the child support basically is that xabf has not been paying. What I need to do, is submit a violation to the court, and according to them, an warrant will be issued for his arrest. It's just up to me to get up the courage to actually do all the paperwork.

I guess I just still need time to really wrap my mind around this whole thing, and decide what to do.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:32 AM
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Sounds like you have some thinking to do but I am sure you can handle it. I also think mom may be manipulating to try and keep son out of jail. IMHO too many men are having babies they dont want to take care of now days. I think it is bad to lock people up for no violent crimes but he should pay you, take care of his child and be a man. Personally, being a man myself, I say put his butt in jail now while he is young and can think his life through. Don't put it off until years from now when he owes a small fortune and will have little or no chance of ever catching up. In some cases scared straight can work and jail is a pretty good incentive to take care of ones child support since he apparently needs one.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:37 AM
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Hi Never:

I think that if you decline the offer that you are not allowing her to receive a blessing from this jesture. I certainly would not allow her to deduct anything from xabf's debt to you as this would not give him the opportunity to be responsible.

Also I didn't catch if you ever signed anthing like a loan note. The reason I ask is because you state you are concerned about this coming back on you later. I negotiate research contract for a living and while I do not have a law degree, I would that say that since you have a record of the email, this is proof that she has forgiven the debt. With that said it may go to a level that you would need certification from the email server that the email in fact did originate from her computer. Then you may get caught up in - was it really her that sent the email so I have walked my first opinion in a circle and don't know what to tell you other than if you don't have a signed statement the email may not serve as proof.

Sorry so long but my thoughts are pouring out while typing. I hope this works out to your advantage no matter what. It sounds like you have your head on straight and you are going in the right direction.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:45 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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No, I never signed any kind of promisory note. I don't think she ever really believed that she needed one. I've never given her a reason not to trust me. And, in general, I do what I say.

Maybe the whole thing is real, and maybe she doesn't have any motive behind it, and I'm just being stupid. But, I keep coming back to that whole, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." She's told me in so many ways in the past that she's underhanded, scheming, etc. But I guess, it's Lent, and if this is a gift being sent in the name of Lent, I should be making a sacrifice to forgive the past behaviors.

As you all can probably tell, I'm just really incapable of making decisions lately.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:49 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Wink

We all have those days. Hang tough! Sending a big hug!
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by nevergivingup View Post
As you all can probably tell, I'm just really incapable of making decisions lately.
Well.......that's understandable. There's a lot of muddy water under this bridge. I think we as givers want so much to believe that someone who has been nasty to us in the past is truly sorry for what they've done and are sincere when they do something nice because that's what we would do. Whatever you decide.......just make sure it's something you can live with so you don't lose anymore sleep at night than you already do.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:51 AM
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LOL! I don't think you can get any less sleep then zero!!!! LOL!
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Old 03-07-2007, 12:05 PM
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I think cupicake's suggestion was good. I would probably still want to pay it back only because I have a hard time owing people. I would trust your instincts. I would still make a copy of it maybe two or three just incase you lose one.
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:42 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Alright....... I'm going to thank her gracefully and then put the money in an account for J. I'm going to print out the email and put it in a safe place.

I think it's just hard for me to accept gifts. Kind of like withdrawing too much karma. Sooooo.... I guess I need to balance out the karma a little bit. Sooooo........ I'm going to make some donations.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh............. If this comes back to me, ya'll got my back right!?!?! LOL!
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Old 03-07-2007, 10:04 PM
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Never... I completely agree with your decision. I think that as J's grandmother, what she is doing isn't really a "gift" anyway... and we all need a step up once in awhile, right?

I figure that if she wants to do this for Lent, let her. If she's really not doing it out of the kindness of her heart, that is her deal. If you can somehow find a way for this to benefit your son, her grandson - I don't see anything wrong with doing it.

Also, if things go sour or she "throws it in your face" at some point in the future - well, can't you decide to pay her back then? At that point, if you get there, you won't have to worry about whether or not her intentions are good or not anymore, or worry about potentially "hurting" someone who is trying to do a good thing, because she'll have shown her colors are still the same. In my view, it is a situation that could still be "rectified" if it doesn't work out... right?

And as for the child support situation... it has nothing to do with that - whether she wants it to or not. And there are lots of things that can happen between you filing whatever instruments you need to file and him actually being hauled off to jail. I figure they will probably find him in contempt - that's how he ends up in jail, by violating the Court's order. But he will have a chance to pony up before he gets stuck in a cell, and that's what he should be doing anyway, paying you.
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Old 03-07-2007, 10:36 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Don't worry about it coming back to bite you right now....you've made the decision you are comfortable with...that's the important thing. And it's a decision that J gets to benefit from - - that's a beautiful thing. But in the event it does come back....know that I have your back for sure.
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Old 03-07-2007, 10:51 PM
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I just emailed her back! Sadly, my brain is so scattered that I have no idea what in the world I wrote!

I'm glad you got my back Cupi! LOL!
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Old 03-07-2007, 10:57 PM
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Don't forget me!! I'll be there too.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:12 PM
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Woo Hoo!
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