Addictive Personality

Old 03-04-2003, 09:41 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pernell

I have followed this thread and re-read it many times, and I think it is brilliant and want to thank you. I recognize what you say about exposing denial and accepting the truth...to me that was the turning point in my own recovery, even though it was painful at times. But I always prefer the truth - I can deal with truth.

But I am not sure what the last part of your post means..."the cause and effect begets consequences, etc." Could you help me with this confusion because I don't want to lose you here?
Ann is offline  
Old 03-04-2003, 10:03 PM
  # 62 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pernell Johnson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
ann cause and effect is a simple system and formula. Take the fact that alcoholic/addict uses (the cause). The addict/alcoholic high/or drunk--the loved ones are affected by this (the effect). The consequences for addict/alcoholic are ongoing and obvious until recovery or death which ever comes first. The co-dependent remains in denial trying to save the addict/alcoholic and causes his or herself great emotional, psychological and sometimes physical pain (the consequences). Is this clearer now?


Just for Today
Pernell Johnson is offline  
Old 03-04-2003, 10:14 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think so, Pernell, thanks. It seems to me that we codependents worry when the addict is using, and when he is clean and working on recovery, the codependent still worries that they might use or relapse. So even though the "cause" has taken a positive turn, the effect (our own neurosis) continues.

Is this what you meant? And if we stay in denial (that is if we think we have any control over whether he stays clean or uses) then we just continue with our codependency. My experience is that working my own recovery helps me not do this, but I can't say I am perfect and it does sneak up on me.

Am I on the right track? Boy you make me think a lot, and the exercise is good for my brain and my recovery.
Ann is offline  
Old 03-04-2003, 10:30 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pernell Johnson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
The Road is Clear

It appears that you have defined this situation appropriately. Do not doubt yourself when come upon a solution or at least description of what is taking place. That is truth as it impacts on you.

Just for Today--------------Iam Unafraid
Pernell Johnson is offline  
Old 03-04-2003, 10:33 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You're the best, Pernell. I have read this thread many times, and I find that if I take it in pieces and think about each piece, it helps me so much to understand myself better. Thank you again!!!
Ann is offline  
Old 04-07-2003, 02:26 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Trinket's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Calif
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for sending this link to me Morning Glory! And thank you Pernell for posting all the information. This is the most clear and informative info I have read. I'm not sure what player I am though. I think maybe I'm in the props dept. :p I am a best friend he met online. I've posted a few times about this. We are extremely close and talk daily. I'm never really sure where I fit in. Of course this relationship makes it easy for him to hide things from me. He has a co-dependent g/f and I'd love to send this info on. She isnt accepting of me but hey, maybe it will save his life. Id like to read this with him. I just know that his disease effects my life, I love him dearly and I need help with this. Thanks again!
Trinket is offline  
Old 04-09-2003, 06:34 AM
  # 67 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Brisbane,Qld
Posts: 6
I found your posting very interesting. I think I have an adictive personality, I don't drink excessively I have one or two with friends at a bbq but I used to drink excessivly from 19- 23yrs of age. I found that it gave me confidence, something that I didn't have naturally. My mum has always been there to help me when I'm in trouble. I also play the role of the rescuer very well and then become the victim. About 6 yrs ago I found myself in a relationship with a drug user.He had a phsical injury I wasn't aware of the drug use until much later. I ended up suffering from depression anxiety etc. I was basically forced to leave the relationship. I was too scared to leave and loved him a lot but I was also too scared to stay. I did leave, I got out of the situation and fortunately their were no children involved. I recently went through a trauma and found myself afterwards back in the rescuer role. This time I became aware of it a lot more quickly and have dealt with the situations in the best way possible. I think I replaced my addiction to alcohol with an addiction to dramatic relationships. I am now learning I think to deal with my problems instead of running from them or worrying, getting depressed and curling up in a ball and hoping that it will all get better. You words were very helpful and hopefully I will find this website helpful.
recovering co-d is offline  
Old 04-09-2003, 08:24 AM
  # 68 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pernell Johnson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Welcome to Nar-Anon

recovering welcome to the Nar-Anon forum. My question for you. Do you have a program? Are you working the 12 Steps?

Just for Today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

Just for Today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

Just for today, through NA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Pernell Johnson is offline  
Old 04-09-2003, 08:58 AM
  # 69 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Brisbane,Qld
Posts: 6
Hi Pernell, I just posted a much longer, more detailed private message. No I don't have a program. I see a psychiatrist for my depression. I am very scared of the drug world so I would probably be scared to go to a families of people who are involved with people who are taking narcotics. But maybe I could go to an a place for people who have been involved with people who drink It is basically the same isn't it. I got away from that heavy drugs scene and I never want to get involved in it again. I t was terrifying.
recovering co-d is offline  
Old 04-29-2003, 12:41 PM
  # 70 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 7
Lightbulb WOW!!!!

Dear Pernell
Thank you so much for writing this "play", sadly it is not a "play" for many, but real life. But what an eyeopener!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH
Keep it up, don't leave, we need your support!
Marion (((hugs)))
Dutchie63 is offline  
Old 05-01-2003, 05:31 AM
  # 71 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Bell Buckle, TN
Posts: 6
Thank you

Pernell - apologies in advance - this is kind of long and rambling - just have to vent - I am dealing with an addict/alcoholic (have been with my husband for almost 12 yrs). He went to rehab once, thought he was serious, and he relapsed several times. After losing a job, and lying to me for about 5 yrs about what he was doing, I confronted him (again), and he is now back in an outpatient program, and attending regular meetings. For my own sanity (which is fading fast), I found this site, and have been off and on here occasionally to get some support. I found this thread just this AM after a big blowout - wish I had found it sooner! I am definitely the provocatrix in the play. I am now trying to put up with the self-centered aspect of his new program - "everything has to be focused on me right now, hon - sorry" attitude is wearing pretty thin here. I have put up with so much nonsense that I've just about had it. I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but after having been burned so many times, my trust is pretty much gone. I have put my foot down, and explained to my husband that I want him to be in my life, but don't NEED for him to be in my life - I am highly educated, own my own business, and don't need him for my survival. However, I am not the only one with responsibilities around here. EVERYTHING is left up to me to handle - with the reasoning being that right now he has to concentrate on his recovery and nothing else. I can live with that to a point, but it's getting harder and harder to cope with all of that plus my own needs. We just came back from my son's wedding (in NJ in fact - we're both TN transplants from NJ), and the event was fine - no problem whatsoever. Until the next day, when he insisted on driving up to North Jersey to visit his family - a gang who all still drink and drug. Needless to say, I thought this was a bad idea, and said so - but I was guilted and bullied into going (I may never see my Mom again - she's getting old, etc.). We went, and nothing major happened (except that his family drank in front of him the whole time we were there), but I am annoyed that I caved, and annoyed that my beautiful weekend with my son ended that way. Now that we're back home, the routine has begun again - he goes to work, goes to his program 3 days a week, more meetings 2 days a week, a family session I am ORDERED to attend this weekend (although I have a work conflict) - and in the meantime, I am handling EVERYTHING else in our lives. Feel like there is no time for me - I have been counseled to make a life for myself, which I have done - retired from teaching in NJ (Paterson, in fact) to pursue my own business full-time, which is just now blossoming and getting me the self-esteem and recognition I felt I deserved, but his program constantly interferes with some of this. He does and says a lot of things without thinking first, and causes a lot of hurt. I have thought about leaving the whole situation, but would like to see if he is serious - this time - I hate to throw away ten years if he has finally gotten it, you know? Any words that could help? Thanks for listening.
tattered is offline  
Old 05-01-2003, 11:19 AM
  # 72 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pernell Johnson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Really, I have no words of encouragement that would allow this situation to continue. I do suggest that you get out of this situation as soon as possible. I say this because when an addict/alcoholic realizes they about to lose something dear to their hearts they straighten up. In your case, you should get completely out of the situation and make him earn his way back. This is our little secret.
Pernell Johnson is offline  
Old 05-01-2003, 04:45 PM
  # 73 (permalink)  
Paused
 
allwehaveishope's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: newark,delaware
Posts: 13
Pernell,
Thank you for posting this. You have been such a blessing to me this evening. I sat here and read through and found myself unable to contain myself just so I could get to the next posting from you. It has been a eye opener and one I will share with everyone in my family. Thank you so much.

Kelaine
allwehaveishope is offline  
Old 05-01-2003, 10:15 PM
  # 74 (permalink)  
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
 
osier59's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Pernell,

Thank you so much for your wisdom. I printed the information out so that I can really read and study it. I have been actively working an al anon program for almost 4 years for which I thank God every day. I have 2 teenage sons who are quacking loudly - drug and alcohol abuse abound- and again I thank God that I have a program and a plan for how to live my life with addicts in it. I am involved with a wonderful man who has been clean for over 20 yrs now and is still active in his program, and is an addictions therapist.

My question is this - will I always attract addicts into my life? Is my program a program of attraction in that I attract ADDICTS? I love the men in my life, my sons and my boyfriend... but I wonder if there is something amiss.

Thanks
Osier59
osier59 is offline  
Old 05-02-2003, 04:01 AM
  # 75 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pernell Johnson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
It is not you

Osier59, you are quite welcome. No, it is not you, you are not the attraction. It is the men themselves and the choices that they make. What you can do for yourself to strengthen your personal magnet. Try to move in a circle of friends over and above your Al-Anon group that do not know anything about alcoholics and addicts. You will find that if you do not bring it up, you have upgraded your attraction. The people who are addicts/alcoholics in your life. They all need a personal plan of recovery from addiction. As you well know, you're plan is quite personal, the steps as applied to your peculiar and particular situation is also personal. God is good, life is good and it is short, so enjoy it and don't be afraid to take chances with recovering people. That's my story and I'm stickin to it (smile):shades:
Pernell Johnson is offline  
Old 05-08-2003, 05:55 AM
  # 76 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: GRAND RAPIDS,MI
Posts: 3
PERNELL - THAT WAS WONDERFUL! I PLAN ON SENDING IT TO MY MOTHER. THANK YOU SO MUCH
BIGBUDDA is offline  
Old 05-08-2003, 06:32 AM
  # 77 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Bell Buckle, TN
Posts: 6
Family session

Pernell - although you advised that it might be smart to get out of this situation, I hate to do that if we can work this out. So, I took advantage of the fact that my husband's group had a family weekend this past Sat. and Sun. All day Sat. and Sun. AM was just for the families, and Sun. afternoon, the patients came in for the "showdown". The sessions were excellent (nothing I haven't heard before, but maybe needed a reminder on some issues), but the session with your family member was really good. A lot of things were put on the table, and I have to believe my husband is serious (this time). The trust issue will be a problem for a while, but I am encouraged by what I heard from him on Sun. afternoon, and he knows where I stand as far as putting up with any more relapses. In my heart, I think he is trying, and will wait a while and see. thanks for listening.
tattered is offline  
Old 05-08-2003, 09:02 AM
  # 78 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pernell Johnson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Healing and Praying

I am praying for you and your family. god is good and He is faithful if you show some faith. You will find in KJV Hebrew 11:1 a definition for faith.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen.

I know how difficult it can be to let go. I know how difficult it is to hold on. I am of the opinion that God, that "still small voice" will guide you to the peace and serenity that you seek in your marriage.

I am here and I am listening.
Pernell Johnson is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 07:56 PM
  # 79 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Canandaigua.NY
Posts: 21
yourlast reading

Hello Pernall
Thank you for all the information. My husband and I have been married 3 yrs. he has been in and out of rehabs etc since Ive known him. anywyas,. he had a choice of going to jail, or going into a mica program, whic he did. thank goodness. I go to see him once a day or twice depending on how I feel. is he using me or does he really love me and need me to be there for him as a wife, companion etc. or could he reallymake it on his own? Ive been told he really couldnt make it on his own. his mental illness has gotten worse not better. we love each other verty much and yes, do depend on each other, which I though a married couple was suppose to do, but lately I get the feeling that. that isnt so. anyways. Ive read your post. thank you very much. Im alittle confused as to what part the wife played in his going back to drinking again etc. when evrything was going so perfect. I should have known that, that wouldnt lastr too long. I know Im talking in circles, please try and understand what Im trying to say.
thank you. please keep giving us info. it really means alot
thank you
redrose
redrose51 is offline  
Old 10-12-2003, 05:19 PM
  # 80 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incognito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: On pins and needles
Posts: 99
Thanks for the wonderful thread. It was very informative and I think it will take a few more times of reading it to fully comprehend all that has been posted. Thanks for taking the time to share it.
Incognito is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:06 AM.