What Addicts Do
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Maybe you could check out some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? Talk to some people there who are or who have in the past dealt with similar situations? I in the past gave ultimatums to my ex husband and he couldn't get it together so he was gone....Tough...yes, very. I guess that's what's called Tough Love, to me if nothing is done though, that ends up being enabling. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: maryland
Posts: 9
All along i have been going through this alone with my spouse. Its funny, she has had a problem for all these years and nobody in family realizes it. Its amazing to see that the stuff that i have been going through, is something alot of youll have been going through more years than I. Good post, and great insite. The more I read, the more it hurts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: OH
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Spinner-007 
...my wife of 6 years, and mother to my three beautiful children, is addicted to pain killers. I don't understand addiction, but she's giving me a hard lesson about it. I don't know if it even compares to what addicts of other drugs go through, and I feel ashamed of this, and feel that I'm maybe not supposed to even be here. But reading passage from Jon made everything more clear, because she is all of this, and is choosing not to 'feel' anything over the family. She had stolen from our funds, her parents, and I don't know what else to get money to support this. I am so angry at her.
And yet, reading this has even made me less angry. SURPRISED?(that's what really hit home...), maybe. But not anymore...
I just don't know what to do from here, other than forcing her to face up to this: either us or the drugs. I know it's not supportive, especially that my children need their mother. But I just don't know what else to do, or how to help her.
Is it that I'm not dealing with the same person anymore? Is addiction to opiate-based pain killers any less harder to deal with than harder drugs, like herion, coke or crack?
I'm asking for anyone with any insight, because I just don't know...
And yet, reading this has even made me less angry. SURPRISED?(that's what really hit home...), maybe. But not anymore...
I just don't know what to do from here, other than forcing her to face up to this: either us or the drugs. I know it's not supportive, especially that my children need their mother. But I just don't know what else to do, or how to help her.
Is it that I'm not dealing with the same person anymore? Is addiction to opiate-based pain killers any less harder to deal with than harder drugs, like herion, coke or crack?
I'm asking for anyone with any insight, because I just don't know...
I can relate. My wife has had a serious pain killer addiction problem the past 7 years. Just a brief summary, she's been arrested numerous times for forgery (I only say that to point out that she's "serious" about her addiction) and has stopped and restarted using numerous times since this has all begun.
Just some things I have learned and mistakes I have made (so far):
Do not take her addiction and her behavior personally. Try not to get mad. Remember it's a real sickness.
She does not need your sympathy and/or "understanding". I say this from experience because it is usually was just another form of enabling. You don't cure cancer with sympathy and the same holds true for addiction.
Be as tough as possible early on. What I mean by this is you are probably her biggest enabler and you have to understand this fact.
She may stop using or she may not. It's really up to her. Because of this you have to start on planning on a future without her. (However, just like some addicts never quit, some codies never quit their addicts)
She will try to create an environment where things are "good" when you are enabling, and things are "bad" when you are not enabling. Remember this.
She will say what you want to hear. She will master this skill.
Do not observe/understand your wife's behavior in terms of her pre-addiction behavior. In other words, pretty much understand that she might do/say most anything to satisfy her addiction.
If you find yourself saying things to her like, "How could you do this?", "Don't you care about your children?", "You are going to loose everything", etc. STOP. You are wasting your breath.
I am sure she loves her kids and they love her. This will not stop her from using. Addiction is really bad at sorting out the long term consequences created short term desires.
Always keep your kids the highest priority. When you make decisions, keep their interest in mind. This is by far one of the most difficult things because you get so caught up in the drama of your wife's addiction.
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
Originally Posted by Ann
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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