What Addicts Do
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
I guess I'd be shocked if she didn't love me from everything she has said to me, friends, and family members, but I'm beginning to wonder. How can you not want to kiss someone that you are in love with? She says we don't kiss good together. That seems weird to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Stratford, Ontario
Posts: 10
it took me 5 years to realize what jon is saying. i have left my boyfriend and i now realize that he never did love me.... i was just being used. i know it wasn't completely intentional, he did care about me. he never meant to intentionally hurt me, which he did, for 5 years! i feel like a fool now, looking back and realizing the exact words that Jon wrote here. i'm still trying to get MY life back, and make a good life for myself and my daughter (the #1 reason i left him).
anyways... thank you Jon! I wish every woman and man who are spouses, friends or family of a drug addict read this.
anyways... thank you Jon! I wish every woman and man who are spouses, friends or family of a drug addict read this.
Once a person crosses that imaginary line into full blown addiction, it is a life time struggle to stay clean. It hits home with me, because I have no doubt about it I a full blown addict that has not used in almost 9 months. It has been hard for me, but I make a choice everyday not to use and somedays that is not easy for me. Not using goes against the grain for an addict. It should not suprise anyone when an addict uses, thats what addicts do. It should suprise you when one stays clean. Good to be back here at SR.
Last edited by logo; 07-09-2007 at 09:06 PM. Reason: brain fade
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 2
|I don't know what I can do to help my son. He was clean for 110 or so days from opiates. He relapsed and |I know that he is still using . Although he says he is not. Just found out he stole from brother and sister. I guess he couldn't find my money. I know he doesn't want to use and doesn't like himself. He just got a new job after quiting his last job. Was in treatment in January for 17 days and was clean till the last month or so. Still says he talks with sponsor and goes to some meetings. But who knows? What can I do ||||? Beverly711
sixisournumber
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere between anger & pain
Posts: 11
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Gretna, NJ
Posts: 11
My first experience of joining this site, some one sent Jon's story to me. I first sat slacked jawed and then I started into a crying jag that lasted three days. This was my son all over the place. I was in more denial of his addiction than he is. I am addicted to being mrs. fix all and suckling a son who wants me out of his way. I realize the longer I tried to fix him the longer he would use and use and use some more. And lie and lie and lie some more. And steal and steal some more, you would of thought my wake up call would of been when he stole my cancer drugs that eased my pain from chemo therapy...and yes guys he did it twice! I am no longer beating up on myself and telling me I did something wrong as a parent...I am getting healthy and hopefully he see's that and does it for his self...Thanks Jon for that story and thanks again Ann for posting it again. I have printed a copy of it and put it on my fridge so when the phone rings in the middle of the night...I dont pick up...and I remember this can change if I change too.
As one mom to another, I know this writing hit me hard too when I first read it. I might have even become angry if I didn't know deep inside that all of it is true.
Glad you joined us and hope you'll post on the regular threads also and share your story with us.
Hugs
Glad you joined us and hope you'll post on the regular threads also and share your story with us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
thanks for that post. this part i have quoted holds so much truth for probably 99% of situations with addicts addicted to anything...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Venice, CA
Posts: 21
What do I do now?
Hi. I'm very new to the whole addict relationship and reading your post about what addicts do crushed me, but explained so many things at the same time. My b/f is an addict and has tried several times in the past few months to get sober including 7 days in rehab (his 5th or 6th rehab in the past 7 years), but just can't quit. I don't think he's really ready either as he won't do any of the work or continue to go to the meetings.
I know it's been building up, but today the needles came back into play and I am just numb. I want to cry and I want to scream but all I can do is just sit here and fend off all the fights he is trying to start with me.
Unfortunately, maybe, I have know this guy to be sober for moments at a time and that is who I fell in love with. He wants to get married and have a baby, but right now that thought scares me to death.
I told him before that I wouldn't live my life with an active addict and if he started using again he was out. From what I have read I should follow through and kick him out (he is living with me and not paying rent!), but how? This time he won't even admit to me that it's going on and starts to get EXTREMELY angry with me any time he gets close to telling me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and yes I have started to go to Al-Anon meetings an think they're wonderful, but right now I feel like I'm getting squashed between that rock and hard place and am scared to death.
Thanks.
I know it's been building up, but today the needles came back into play and I am just numb. I want to cry and I want to scream but all I can do is just sit here and fend off all the fights he is trying to start with me.
Unfortunately, maybe, I have know this guy to be sober for moments at a time and that is who I fell in love with. He wants to get married and have a baby, but right now that thought scares me to death.
I told him before that I wouldn't live my life with an active addict and if he started using again he was out. From what I have read I should follow through and kick him out (he is living with me and not paying rent!), but how? This time he won't even admit to me that it's going on and starts to get EXTREMELY angry with me any time he gets close to telling me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and yes I have started to go to Al-Anon meetings an think they're wonderful, but right now I feel like I'm getting squashed between that rock and hard place and am scared to death.
Thanks.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
QUOTE; Stop being surprised.
Thats what go my attention. I was so surprised when I found out, I was surprised at what this did to my son and my sister. Surprised, yes that they now are not the people I once loved and knew. Surprised how addiction changes someone into this. Yes.
Now, nothing surprises me. I have accepted.
Thats what go my attention. I was so surprised when I found out, I was surprised at what this did to my son and my sister. Surprised, yes that they now are not the people I once loved and knew. Surprised how addiction changes someone into this. Yes.
Now, nothing surprises me. I have accepted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4
Ouch. I'm new to this board but have learnt a lot from a similar site. Have stopped enabling. Am trying to look after me. Am in love with a heroin addict. He's been clean for about ten days. This post really hit home and scares me. I don't want to waste my life loving someone who can never return my feelings. Do you think an addict will NEVER love again?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Rochester, New York
Posts: 1
Wow
I stumbled upon "Jon" and "What Addicts Do" several weeks ago. I could not believe what I was reading - how much it hurt to hear that from another person - I'm very new to the world of drugs and have been involved with an addict for 2 1/2 years - a rebound relationship after a 20 year marriage. Over and over I read what Jon had to say. I cry like a baby. I shake my head - and struggle still yet to understand. But I keep coming back here - I keep looking for the answers that only I know. I keep believing she loves me - because she tells me that again and again - she needs me less and less - it's usually when she's gone off on a binge and is so very sick. Of course, I go to her. I worship the ground she walks on - obviously that's another problem - another topic. As a result of my being with her, I have a slight abuse problem as well. One that I feel I can control.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I just can't believe it...
...my wife of 6 years, and mother to my three beautiful children, is addicted to pain killers. I don't understand addiction, but she's giving me a hard lesson about it. I don't know if it even compares to what addicts of other drugs go through, and I feel ashamed of this, and feel that I'm maybe not supposed to even be here. But reading passage from Jon made everything more clear, because she is all of this, and is choosing not to 'feel' anything over the family. She had stolen from our funds, her parents, and I don't know what else to get money to support this. I am so angry at her.
And yet, reading this has even made me less angry. SURPRISED?(that's what really hit home...), maybe. But not anymore...
I just don't know what to do from here, other than forcing her to face up to this: either us or the drugs. I know it's not supportive, especially that my children need their mother. But I just don't know what else to do, or how to help her.
Is it that I'm not dealing with the same person anymore? Is addiction to opiate-based pain killers any less harder to deal with than harder drugs, like herion, coke or crack?
I'm asking for anyone with any insight, because I just don't know...
And yet, reading this has even made me less angry. SURPRISED?(that's what really hit home...), maybe. But not anymore...
I just don't know what to do from here, other than forcing her to face up to this: either us or the drugs. I know it's not supportive, especially that my children need their mother. But I just don't know what else to do, or how to help her.
Is it that I'm not dealing with the same person anymore? Is addiction to opiate-based pain killers any less harder to deal with than harder drugs, like herion, coke or crack?
I'm asking for anyone with any insight, because I just don't know...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Honestly, I don't know if she is. She says she is, and I've given her numbers to make the call, but all I've seen up to this evening were two more cancelled checks from pharmacies that have my signatures forged by her.
What she tells me, and what's been happening are two different things. She can't do it on her own, and I don't know just how I'm supposed to act if she won't make it her decision to do it...
What she tells me, and what's been happening are two different things. She can't do it on her own, and I don't know just how I'm supposed to act if she won't make it her decision to do it...
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