Your input please (a tad long)
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Your input please (a tad long)
But no skillets allowed 
I am torn as to what to do. I thought if I shared with you the voices in my head, things would become clearer.
My son is being called in on a technical violation of probation. He did not complete the classes required to complete an ARD (accelerated rehabilitation disposition) program.
He is a recovering addict, his DOC was heroin, and as far as I know he has not used in well over a year. He holds down a good job, got a vehicle legally on the road, paid quite a bit in fines for vehicle violations to earn his license back (or keep it depending on the timing).
He still drives me crazy at times, for for the most part, he is a "normal" 21 1/2year old.
The violation states that they could revoke the ARD priviledge, and remand him to no less than 48 hours, no more than one year in jail. I believe they could also extend the ARD, but I'm not sure what generally occurs.
I looked on the notice, and I recognized the name at the top as someone I knew through my place of work...a customer of sorts. The young guy was a clerk of the courts a few years back, but it looks as though he might handle this program.
I thought of calling him, asking what my son should expect, what his options are etc. I'm also curious as to why a 28 day inpatient rehab does not trump a 6 week training class on the dangers of drugs and alchohol. The six week course is considered accelerated rehab.
I know that my son should do the calling, but I'm much better at asking the questions, and I know the guy. In a way, I'd rather handle the conversation so I know where it goes. I am NOT asking for any favors, so I don't want it interpreted that way.
What would you do?
I am torn as to what to do. I thought if I shared with you the voices in my head, things would become clearer.
My son is being called in on a technical violation of probation. He did not complete the classes required to complete an ARD (accelerated rehabilitation disposition) program.
He is a recovering addict, his DOC was heroin, and as far as I know he has not used in well over a year. He holds down a good job, got a vehicle legally on the road, paid quite a bit in fines for vehicle violations to earn his license back (or keep it depending on the timing).
He still drives me crazy at times, for for the most part, he is a "normal" 21 1/2year old.
The violation states that they could revoke the ARD priviledge, and remand him to no less than 48 hours, no more than one year in jail. I believe they could also extend the ARD, but I'm not sure what generally occurs.
I looked on the notice, and I recognized the name at the top as someone I knew through my place of work...a customer of sorts. The young guy was a clerk of the courts a few years back, but it looks as though he might handle this program.
I thought of calling him, asking what my son should expect, what his options are etc. I'm also curious as to why a 28 day inpatient rehab does not trump a 6 week training class on the dangers of drugs and alchohol. The six week course is considered accelerated rehab.
I know that my son should do the calling, but I'm much better at asking the questions, and I know the guy. In a way, I'd rather handle the conversation so I know where it goes. I am NOT asking for any favors, so I don't want it interpreted that way.
What would you do?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I'd call.
But then, I'm still sick!
(grin)
Do what you can live with Cece... keeping in mind, that if son calls, he learns "how" to make those calls in the future. That helps me when I tend to "assist" my kids. I still do it, sometimes, but it helps to remember they need to learn.
((hugs))
But then, I'm still sick!
(grin)
Do what you can live with Cece... keeping in mind, that if son calls, he learns "how" to make those calls in the future. That helps me when I tend to "assist" my kids. I still do it, sometimes, but it helps to remember they need to learn.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I thought of calling him, asking what my son should expect, what his options are etc. I'm also curious as to why a 28 day inpatient rehab does not trump a 6 week training class on the dangers of drugs and alchohol. The six week course is considered accelerated rehab.
Now my only thoughts is the person listed on the paper probably does not have a clue as to what generally happens, if you were going to call anyone maybe call his PO to ask.
We all know most 21 year old men wouldnt call, theyd either ignore or let anxiety build up. I dont see any harm in finding out for your own piece of mind as to what the standard is. I will tell you from my experience though, very rarely has a PO, PD or DA given me correct information, because they never take the time to look it up. The only time I was given the correct info pertaining to my husband is when an attorney friend asked for me
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Cece, If it feels right to you, then make the call. Another thing is you could suggest that he make the call but that you will be there beside him to help him with questions or moral support. I have done that with my daughter in the past and it worked out okay. She did it herself but she did not have to feel totally alone. I know that sometimes, even as a 53 year old adult, that if my husband is beside me, it helps me to know that he is supporting me. Hugs, Marle
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Darn Splendra...I knew someone would jump in and point that out.
Thats the other voice in my head
What I feared is that if my son knew that I knew this guy, he would turn it into asking for a favor, which is what I don't want to happen. So if anyone talks to this guy, I'm almost more comfortable that it be me.
Codie rationalization perhaps? lol
I'm going to have a little sit down with him tonight and see how I feel after.
I'm happy that I'm on the fence though...a year ago the call the would have already been made.
Thanks for all your input
(((hugs))))
Cece
Thats the other voice in my head
What I feared is that if my son knew that I knew this guy, he would turn it into asking for a favor, which is what I don't want to happen. So if anyone talks to this guy, I'm almost more comfortable that it be me.
Codie rationalization perhaps? lol
I'm going to have a little sit down with him tonight and see how I feel after.
I'm happy that I'm on the fence though...a year ago the call the would have already been made.
Thanks for all your input
(((hugs))))
Cece
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think that if i could i might make the call or just help him to make the call, he's still young snd in my opinion, may still need a little coaching in making the transition into adulthood. i don't think that would be considered enabling him to continue his drug use.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Since he doesn't already know, you might keep it to yourself that you know this person- this way there is no way for your son to expect your help and/or influence. Maybe ask your son what HE wants to do, discuss it and then let him handle it. This would be a borderline issue for me too...so I say think it over and just follow what you feel is right for you.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Ok anvil head... I wanna come to YOUR meetings!! I need what you got, woman!
Hey... you aren't that far away. PM me if you have a regular meeting you attend. I'll look it up and drop in sometime! Good stuff!!
Hey... you aren't that far away. PM me if you have a regular meeting you attend. I'll look it up and drop in sometime! Good stuff!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Cece, I understand where you are coming from...I really do...I've done lots of this myself, but I thought the same thing as Anvil when I read your post. Would you think about calling if you didn't know this person? If your answer is no, I think you may want to check motivation. Does your son want to know what is going on or is it you? On many occassions I made the calls and asked the questions for my own peace of mind, not because the kids asked for some support.
Unless your state is really different, the chances are they will either smack him upside the head a bit (verbally of course) and say you have one last chance to get this done, or at worst stick him in jail for a weekend. If he has stayed out of trouble, they aren't going to give him the worst. I wouldn't be surprised if your son never asked about rehab trumping the course. I'm voicing my guess on worse case scenario because as a mom I know this stuff really gets to us.
I think if you have to do this for you, do it, but I have to agree with Anvil. Even if he wasn't a recovering addict, he is no longer a teenager and has to be responsible for his stuff.
I've been dealing with something similar with my daughter's situation and tried something new this time. The only help I gave was to drive her to oral arguments and once to her attorney. This was all her deal and I think she really, really "got it" this time that this was her consequence too. In fact, at one point when I commented that I didn't understand why all time couldn't be rehab, she told me she understood the rationale and she was just very grateful that she didn't hurt anyone when she was driving under the influence. In her case, the only possible choice(although the judge ruled there was no choice) was weekends or straight time siince the law and a supreme court ruling last year took away all judicial descretion on dui's, but she made the choice not to appeal any further and just get it done and move on with her life. I think if I got involved I'd be putting out money, looking to appeal as far as possible and be standing in her HP's way. It stinks and I miss her a lot already, but 90 days isn't a lifetime and she has grown so much that all her professors and her employer are holding spots for her when she returns.
I guess what I'm trying to say, kiddo is if you can, give him a chance to own this and grow. Hugs and lots of prayers that your HP makes it real clear what the plan is!
Unless your state is really different, the chances are they will either smack him upside the head a bit (verbally of course) and say you have one last chance to get this done, or at worst stick him in jail for a weekend. If he has stayed out of trouble, they aren't going to give him the worst. I wouldn't be surprised if your son never asked about rehab trumping the course. I'm voicing my guess on worse case scenario because as a mom I know this stuff really gets to us.
I think if you have to do this for you, do it, but I have to agree with Anvil. Even if he wasn't a recovering addict, he is no longer a teenager and has to be responsible for his stuff.
I've been dealing with something similar with my daughter's situation and tried something new this time. The only help I gave was to drive her to oral arguments and once to her attorney. This was all her deal and I think she really, really "got it" this time that this was her consequence too. In fact, at one point when I commented that I didn't understand why all time couldn't be rehab, she told me she understood the rationale and she was just very grateful that she didn't hurt anyone when she was driving under the influence. In her case, the only possible choice(although the judge ruled there was no choice) was weekends or straight time siince the law and a supreme court ruling last year took away all judicial descretion on dui's, but she made the choice not to appeal any further and just get it done and move on with her life. I think if I got involved I'd be putting out money, looking to appeal as far as possible and be standing in her HP's way. It stinks and I miss her a lot already, but 90 days isn't a lifetime and she has grown so much that all her professors and her employer are holding spots for her when she returns.
I guess what I'm trying to say, kiddo is if you can, give him a chance to own this and grow. Hugs and lots of prayers that your HP makes it real clear what the plan is!
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Well...
I've thought it over quite a bit and the truth is "I" want to make the call.
He's come a long way, much of it on his own. This one feels like a "Mom" thing, not a codie thing.
I thought real hard and asked myself the questions I tend to ask when I'm not sure:
Do I expect different results if I make the call? No, I know he created this situation, and what needs to happen will happen.
Will I be disappointed if I don't like what I hear? Maybe, for him, but not because I expected my call to make a difference. In fact the opposite is true in that its ALL I can do, and then I can step back.
Should he be doing this himself? Well, thats a yes, and I stumbled there for a while. I talked to him tonight and he's very clear that I am only looking to obtain information, not results, so that he is prepared for what lies ahead.
What he does with the information is up to him.
He has had no contact with his PO, they are overwhelmed and rarely return phone calls. His PO told him at the beginning that if he stays out of trouble, they will never meet again.
I know this guy will talk to me if I give my name...he will remember me.
I think as a mom I am willing to make contact and help him prepare for what lies ahead. Prepare only. And yes, I want to know more. I'm not entirely there yet with the whole whatever was meant to happen will happen, if a simple gesture on my part can help.
Maybe I was "meant" to make a call on his behalf.
I know it breaks the rules so to speak, and do not think I wasn't listening to those who thought it might be better to let him handle it...I was, and still am.
But sometimes we need to learn also, by our own trail and error.
This just feels right at the moment
Thanks (seems our thank you is broke) to all
((((hugs))))
Cece
I've thought it over quite a bit and the truth is "I" want to make the call.
He's come a long way, much of it on his own. This one feels like a "Mom" thing, not a codie thing.
I thought real hard and asked myself the questions I tend to ask when I'm not sure:
Do I expect different results if I make the call? No, I know he created this situation, and what needs to happen will happen.
Will I be disappointed if I don't like what I hear? Maybe, for him, but not because I expected my call to make a difference. In fact the opposite is true in that its ALL I can do, and then I can step back.
Should he be doing this himself? Well, thats a yes, and I stumbled there for a while. I talked to him tonight and he's very clear that I am only looking to obtain information, not results, so that he is prepared for what lies ahead.
What he does with the information is up to him.
He has had no contact with his PO, they are overwhelmed and rarely return phone calls. His PO told him at the beginning that if he stays out of trouble, they will never meet again.
I know this guy will talk to me if I give my name...he will remember me.
I think as a mom I am willing to make contact and help him prepare for what lies ahead. Prepare only. And yes, I want to know more. I'm not entirely there yet with the whole whatever was meant to happen will happen, if a simple gesture on my part can help.
Maybe I was "meant" to make a call on his behalf.
I know it breaks the rules so to speak, and do not think I wasn't listening to those who thought it might be better to let him handle it...I was, and still am.
But sometimes we need to learn also, by our own trail and error.
This just feels right at the moment
Thanks (seems our thank you is broke) to all
((((hugs))))
Cece
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
No rules...that's for sure...If it feels right, then that is what is "meant to be." You've got the drill down very well since you thought about the whole thing and didn't jump first, wonder later.
BTW, let us know what ya find out, okay?
BTW, let us know what ya find out, okay?
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
cece, if it feels right than make the call. For me when I am stump if I should do this or not I go back to thinking how will it make me feel afterwards. Am I trying to control an outcome, do i want soemthing different to happen is there any controlling involved when I answer a yes to any of those questions than I know I wont feel good afterwards because I am expecting results. But when I want to do something just to do it without all the expectations or controlling in it than I know it's an okay thing to do. If making the call will make you feel better, relieved afterwards because you will now know what to expect and not walk in blindfolded than do it.
Hugs,
Jewel
Hugs,
Jewel
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
