I understand, but then again I don't...
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
Thanks Meg...
(((((((4raidyance)))))))
As far as your original post, I think that I remember having feelings similar to you...I remember believing that if it was this hard to have an addicted fiancee, how do the mom's survive it at all?
It took a little while on this forum, and at face to face meetings before I realized that most everyone here realizes that addiction is addiction, and the pain of living with it is no harder for me or Jewelz than for Ann or Mooselips...that no matter what your relationship to your addict, it's a relationship with a person, and people simply are not interchangeable. I can't look at my ex-A and say "Oh, well, you turned out to be a crack-smoking, narcotic shooting lawbreaker, so I've decided that I'm going to give all the love I feel for you to someone else" - just as no mother here could say that to her son or daughter. And yes, my relationship did fail, but not because I stopped caring about him, or because he was replaceable. It ended because it couldn't go any further in the condition it was in.
As far as your relationship goes - only you can decide what is right for you, and only you know if you want to stay or leave. The best part of that is you don't have to know that today. You'll know when you need to.
(((((((4raidyance)))))))
As far as your original post, I think that I remember having feelings similar to you...I remember believing that if it was this hard to have an addicted fiancee, how do the mom's survive it at all?
It took a little while on this forum, and at face to face meetings before I realized that most everyone here realizes that addiction is addiction, and the pain of living with it is no harder for me or Jewelz than for Ann or Mooselips...that no matter what your relationship to your addict, it's a relationship with a person, and people simply are not interchangeable. I can't look at my ex-A and say "Oh, well, you turned out to be a crack-smoking, narcotic shooting lawbreaker, so I've decided that I'm going to give all the love I feel for you to someone else" - just as no mother here could say that to her son or daughter. And yes, my relationship did fail, but not because I stopped caring about him, or because he was replaceable. It ended because it couldn't go any further in the condition it was in.
As far as your relationship goes - only you can decide what is right for you, and only you know if you want to stay or leave. The best part of that is you don't have to know that today. You'll know when you need to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
I am the mom of a recovering addict[2 years clean and doing beautifully], and the significant other of an addict that was disconnected from life support yesterday and is slowly being allowed to go to his god. I am suffering very much today with what is going on, I really loved this man, however,looking back,he had not been the man I knew for months. My family were fed up with him, I was fed up with him, and I knew in my heart that it was time to tie up loose ends and move forward, At one time I felt we were destined to be together, the last few months I had realized we were not and although saddened, I could accept it.I would care about him as a person, but would heal. When my daughter was actively using, I was a mess, If I could have died to save her, I would have. My Keith's body is literally dying today,my pain is very very bad, but I cannot even imagine his moms suffering..
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Patch))) Thank you for this reminder that this is not a pain competition here but a group of wonderful people who are here to support each other as we each experience our pain.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today and in the days to come. May God comfort you all and allow Keith's passing to be peaceful.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today and in the days to come. May God comfort you all and allow Keith's passing to be peaceful.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
As I read this entire thread, I kept thinking that my 12 step program has taught me that the 3 C's...can't control the addiction, didn't cause the addiction and can't cure the addiction. With that being said, I have to decide how I (make that "I" in BIG BIG LETTERS AND BOLD) want to handle it.
No one has the corner of the market on pain. We, family members and spouses, all hurt from this terrible disease. I just came to the point in my situation where I had to decide what I wanted for me because I have to live my life....for the rest of my life. I had to ask myself some serious questions about what I wanted FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Do I want to continue hurting and, mind you, a lot of that hurt was because of my own choices. Do I want to continue with an front row seat to the addiction? Did I truly believe I was powerless over that person? And if I truly believed that, what choices would I make to make MY life better.
I came into recovery hoping someone would tell me to do A, B & C and my loved one would get well. Well, that didn't happen. What y'all and my Al Anon group told me was YOU do A, B, & C, meaning work the 12 steps, and you WILL get better.
You know what? They told the truth. Today my life is about me. I loved my addicted daughter with all my heart, but my HP has taught me that this journey is about ME and what is required of me if I want to make MY life better.
Mr. Hangin' says it all the time: We can't control our daughter and her choices. I thank God that today, if only for today, she is clean and sober. But if she did decide to go back out there, that is her choice. And I have my choice. Will I go down with her? I pray not for there is NO sense whatsoever in there being two tragedies. My HP doesn't want that for me. Thus I choose recovery. Through the 12 step program, my HP and I work on what is best for me so that I won't lose my life to my daughter's addiction.
Oh, and it's so easy to type and very hard to do, but it is SO worth it, working a recovery program. If you haven't tried face to face meetings, I'd suggest you find them and attend. Best thing I've ever done for myself was to walk through the doors of an Al Anon meeting. They, along with this board, have truly saved my sanity.
Hang in there. And I'm glad you're here, listening and learning.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
No one has the corner of the market on pain. We, family members and spouses, all hurt from this terrible disease. I just came to the point in my situation where I had to decide what I wanted for me because I have to live my life....for the rest of my life. I had to ask myself some serious questions about what I wanted FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Do I want to continue hurting and, mind you, a lot of that hurt was because of my own choices. Do I want to continue with an front row seat to the addiction? Did I truly believe I was powerless over that person? And if I truly believed that, what choices would I make to make MY life better.
I came into recovery hoping someone would tell me to do A, B & C and my loved one would get well. Well, that didn't happen. What y'all and my Al Anon group told me was YOU do A, B, & C, meaning work the 12 steps, and you WILL get better.
You know what? They told the truth. Today my life is about me. I loved my addicted daughter with all my heart, but my HP has taught me that this journey is about ME and what is required of me if I want to make MY life better.
Mr. Hangin' says it all the time: We can't control our daughter and her choices. I thank God that today, if only for today, she is clean and sober. But if she did decide to go back out there, that is her choice. And I have my choice. Will I go down with her? I pray not for there is NO sense whatsoever in there being two tragedies. My HP doesn't want that for me. Thus I choose recovery. Through the 12 step program, my HP and I work on what is best for me so that I won't lose my life to my daughter's addiction.
Oh, and it's so easy to type and very hard to do, but it is SO worth it, working a recovery program. If you haven't tried face to face meetings, I'd suggest you find them and attend. Best thing I've ever done for myself was to walk through the doors of an Al Anon meeting. They, along with this board, have truly saved my sanity.
Hang in there. And I'm glad you're here, listening and learning.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
I am appreciative of all the responses here. Although my RAH is doing very well, when we were out walking last night he told me that the "devil and angel" are still in him fighting every day. That the devil tells him that it would be Ok to just take a pill or just do a little bit, but the angel says don't do it, that it would lead back to addiction. Because I was unaware of his problem until he confessed and went to rehab, (he had been clean for many, many years before his relapse) I have no experience at this thing. I stuck with him this time, but I told him I can't do this over and over again. I'm too old and I have too much at stake. I feel like even if he takes one pill, I should leave because I knwo where it will probably lead. I dont' think that kicking him out would work because the house is in both our names (we are owners not renters). What is my legal recourse here? I don't want to be a fatalist, but I am a pragmatist and need to know if I should engage a lawyer to protect myself "just in case". (we own a fair amount of commercial and personal property). I mean, I really love him, (we've been married 17 years) but I love myself more. Am I being rigid and inflexible? I am trying to practice detachment and compassion, but I feel that his possible choice to use drugs again could affect me legally, (of course not to mention emotionally). We keep our business finances seperate so that is not a problem.
Help help. I keep going over this in my mind and it is driving me crazy.
Help help. I keep going over this in my mind and it is driving me crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
tropicgal - Welcome! If you want to start a new thread you can do so by clicking on the button that says thread on the top left. You may get more answers to your questions. As far as your business, I have heard of and talked to a couple of people who lost everything to drugs. Homes, cars, property, businesses and of course thier families. Remember, an ounce of prevention..............just a thought.
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