Why do I feel numb?
 

My situation with AH as pretty much come to a head and we have all but decided on splitting up.

AH and I have discussed some general things about splitting things up. We haven't crunched any numbers together though. I think he is going to be moving out. What is scaring me right now is that I feel almost nothing about the situation. Is that normal? I know I've already cried my tears and gone through denial, anger, etc etc...but I just feel kind of numb right now. Everytime I think about the good times, I also think about the adusiveness ( verbal and destructiveness), and the drinking.

I keep asking myself if I am jumping the gun to go ahead with the dissolution. As far as I know, he hasn't been drinking the last 3 days. Why...i don't know. To prove something to me...to himself? He hasn't expressed any desire to quit altogether or join a program. He has been calm and fairly rational for the last 3 days. It starts to make me doubt myself, but then I think.... 3 days does not change a person. There are still issues he needs to deal with and I don't know if I could trust him . It would take a LONG time before I could ever feel comfortable to the point where his prior behavior wouldn't be in the back of my mind. One episode and we would be right back to square one, with who knows how much more time wasted.

The thought of coming home and not worrying about his mood, level of intoxication etc etc sounds very appealing to me right now.

If he moves out, I need to refinance in order to keep the house. Thus, I don't want a long seperation with out a dissolution. I don't think he would be very willing to help me pay the mortgage if he's not living there.

I don't know if I should try to talk to a counselor or just go ahead with the dissolution now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you this. In my experience, I reached a lever of awareness, where you seem to be. I started being unable to accept the behavior, the drunkenness, etc. He'd be good for a while and when I say a while, I mean months. I was full of self doubt. When it would finally happen, the incident, it was always worse on me than before. I think it's because I was more aware, I was slowly out of denial. Therefore, I felt worse about myself the "next time." But, I stayed for way too many next times.

((LNF))
Remember that feelings are neither good or bad, right or wrong, normal or abnormal - they are what they are - your feelings - if you don't feel anything right now - it's ok -
maybe it's a way of protecting so that you can do what you need to do - I don't know - meditate, pray, seeking guidance from your HP, follow what you know is healthy for You, right now - possibly try not to get caught up in the "what if's"; "what if he does change, what if he does quit" - making decision on the here and now is what seems to be the healthy decisions for most of us -
You have the love and support of your HP and SR - if the numbness wears off and you start feeling overwhelming emotions - reach out then - we'll be here.
Just for Today,
Rita

(((lost))) So true and please don't forget this sweetie. In my situation, I'm not sure that I was totally numb to it, but I reached a certain level of acceptance with it. I simply realized that if I did not go through with my plans that things would never change. I understood the "nothing changes if nothing changes" concept throroughly. I KNEW that if we were to continue on the same path that I would not be happy and he would not be able to "find his bottom" and seek out his true happiness. I did not really cry about it at all once I came to this undeniable realization. I too felt that all my tears had been cried out long ago. I felt that what I was doing was the only shot I had at us BOTH perhaps leading happy lives one day. I felt it was truly for the best and my only option. It was the best decision I've ever made.

Why does it have to be one or the other? You can go ahead and do what you need to do and seek counseling. They are not mutually exclusive.

L

That's true. I'm leery about spending the money right, but my mental health is worth it.

It has been oh so worth it for me. And many counselors will work with you on the cost.