I know that I'm looking at this wrong....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I know that I'm looking at this wrong....
Ah and I are in the process of working out the terms to our dissolution. I realize that a dissolution is the ending of a marriage. However, I have been viewing this dissolution as a legal contract that protects my children and I. Not only will it protect us from a financial aspect but it will hopefully help protect my children as it states that he is not to drink when they are with him on their visits.
Ah views this dissolution as my not wanting to be with him, pushing him out of my life, etc. Hmm....interesting enough, I do not really want AH out of my life. I'd love nothing more than to have Ah find recovery and get his life together. I really wouldn't even mind staying married as we are - if he'd have helped out with the financial issues and not drank when my kids were there.
I know that I am looking at this wrong - I know in my heart that once the papers are signed, ah can do whatever he pleases with whomever he pleases and that breaks my heart. I deal with that realization everyday that passes as we get closer to having this done. However - I also know in my heart that as things are, I need to do what I can to protect us. This is the onlly way that I knew how to do that. As well as I know that we don't have a real marriage anyways. I also know that nothing changes if nothng changes and obviously what we've been doing has not worked.
I try to tell myself that this is a legal contract in which to protect us - but it does not hurt any less knowing that I feel that I have no other choice.
Does this make sense to anyone else? Or am I looking at this from the viewpoint of irrational?
Ah views this dissolution as my not wanting to be with him, pushing him out of my life, etc. Hmm....interesting enough, I do not really want AH out of my life. I'd love nothing more than to have Ah find recovery and get his life together. I really wouldn't even mind staying married as we are - if he'd have helped out with the financial issues and not drank when my kids were there.
I know that I am looking at this wrong - I know in my heart that once the papers are signed, ah can do whatever he pleases with whomever he pleases and that breaks my heart. I deal with that realization everyday that passes as we get closer to having this done. However - I also know in my heart that as things are, I need to do what I can to protect us. This is the onlly way that I knew how to do that. As well as I know that we don't have a real marriage anyways. I also know that nothing changes if nothng changes and obviously what we've been doing has not worked.
I try to tell myself that this is a legal contract in which to protect us - but it does not hurt any less knowing that I feel that I have no other choice.
Does this make sense to anyone else? Or am I looking at this from the viewpoint of irrational?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I think you are doing what is absolutely neccessary to take care
of yourself and your children. If it takes legal action (divorce)
to get this then you had no choice. You can not make someone
do something they don't want to do, as you well know. SS
I understand that this is not what you truly want but it is IMO
what you need to do. I am sorry I really can hear the hurt in your post.
of yourself and your children. If it takes legal action (divorce)
to get this then you had no choice. You can not make someone
do something they don't want to do, as you well know. SS
I understand that this is not what you truly want but it is IMO
what you need to do. I am sorry I really can hear the hurt in your post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
I try to tell myself that this is a legal contract in which to protect us - but it does not hurt any less knowing that I feel that I have no other choice.
Does this make sense to anyone else? Or am I looking at this from the viewpoint of irrational?
Does this make sense to anyone else? Or am I looking at this from the viewpoint of irrational?
Courage? Yes!!
It takes courage to do what you feel is best for you and your children, inspite of the pain/loss you are experiencing!
It's totally normal to have mixed feelings about what you are doing. The end of a marriage/relationship is never easy, even under the worst of circumstances.
Besides, divorce doesn't necessarily mean forever either. It's not unheard of for people to grow and change during their time apart and find each other again. I'm not trying to give you false hope by saying that, it's just another viewpoint to consider.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
SS, his opinion is that you want a divorce because you don't want him. That is his reality and you need to allow him to have it. You have yours as well. I believe yours is a bit more accurate due to his illness but that's besides the point. He still has one and he can't understand your thinking right now, he doesn't get your point of view. That has to do with his issues, not yours. He has to protect his addiction. If he said to himself, "my wife is divorcing me because I'm an alcoholic" that would force him to do things he isn't capable of. So instead, he says, "My wife wants a divorce because she doesn't want to be with me." that keeps his addiction safe and intact.
When he says that, keep the above in mind. If you must respond because you can't hold it in, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's far from the truth."
You wanting him to see your way and view it your way, although understandable, is something we all struggle with. It's a codie thing. You know, part control.....wanting someone to see it our way and believe what we believe. You can't have that. I'm sorry you can't have that. But find peace in it somehow. You know in your heart what's what, that's all that matters.
When he says that, keep the above in mind. If you must respond because you can't hold it in, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's far from the truth."
You wanting him to see your way and view it your way, although understandable, is something we all struggle with. It's a codie thing. You know, part control.....wanting someone to see it our way and believe what we believe. You can't have that. I'm sorry you can't have that. But find peace in it somehow. You know in your heart what's what, that's all that matters.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by sunshine003
his opinion is that you want a divorce because you don't want him...... If he said to himself, "my wife is divorcing me because I'm an alcoholic" that would force him to do things he isn't capable of. So instead, he says, "My wife wants a divorce because she doesn't want to be with me." that keeps his addiction safe and intact.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshine003
his opinion is that you want a divorce because you don't want him...... If he said to himself, "my wife is divorcing me because I'm an alcoholic" that would force him to do things he isn't capable of. So instead, he says, "My wife wants a divorce because she doesn't want to be with me." that keeps his addiction safe and intact.
Now I understand more about what my ex was saying and doing. And it explains a lot more than just that too! Thanks for putting it so clearly SS!
This sounds exactly like some recent conversations (and I'm using the word "conversations" loosely) I've had with AH.
Originally Posted by sunshine003
his opinion is that you want a divorce because you don't want him...... If he said to himself, "my wife is divorcing me because I'm an alcoholic" that would force him to do things he isn't capable of. So instead, he says, "My wife wants a divorce because she doesn't want to be with me." that keeps his addiction safe and intact.
Now I understand more about what my ex was saying and doing. And it explains a lot more than just that too! Thanks for putting it so clearly SS!
This sounds exactly like some recent conversations (and I'm using the word "conversations" loosely) I've had with AH.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
I understand. I believe that doing the right thing isn't always what we necessarily want. And that's ok. I agree with ICU, mixed feelings are perfectly normal. Nothing irrational about it. What would be irrational, imo, would be if you let your perfectly normal feelings affect your decisions as to what you know to be the right thing to do. You're not doing that.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I think the dissolution paperwork is just a written version of "boundaries"... I have yet to get a "Yippee!! About danged time!" from an addict or alcoholic with whom I have needed to set boundaries. They have never given me permission or even acknowledged why *I* need those boundaries. I don't think you can expect anything along those lines from him.
Truth be told, he can do what he wants with whomever he wants.... RIGHT NOW. The dissolution paperwork is just that - paperwork. There is no real control of anybody or anything. Even when he signs this (if he does), that does not mean he will abide by all or any of the "rules" contained within.
My Alanon meetings are teaching me (because I still don't get it ALL the time), that I cannot control people, places or things. Trying to do so just uses up my energy and resources.
I wish you the best.
Truth be told, he can do what he wants with whomever he wants.... RIGHT NOW. The dissolution paperwork is just that - paperwork. There is no real control of anybody or anything. Even when he signs this (if he does), that does not mean he will abide by all or any of the "rules" contained within.
My Alanon meetings are teaching me (because I still don't get it ALL the time), that I cannot control people, places or things. Trying to do so just uses up my energy and resources.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
Also SS, I know how hard this is on you. I read your posts and see your struggles. I can sense your heartbreak and relate to it as well. I want nothing more than for my ah to see things from my point of view, to admit his part, etc.....but he isn't going to. I can't have that. But as hard as I try, it's so hard to accept.
I have bent and continued to bend, trying to give him every out and opportunity to do right. I've tried to look at it in so many different ways, swaying between taking way too much blame, to denial and minimizing things, just anything so I could keep things as they were. I'd bend so much for him, for myself that I walked around squinting, LOL.
Crazy the hoops we've jumped through. It certainly isn't returned and we have to accept it. You have to accept what it is he thinks but don't let it change what you know.
I have bent and continued to bend, trying to give him every out and opportunity to do right. I've tried to look at it in so many different ways, swaying between taking way too much blame, to denial and minimizing things, just anything so I could keep things as they were. I'd bend so much for him, for myself that I walked around squinting, LOL.
Crazy the hoops we've jumped through. It certainly isn't returned and we have to accept it. You have to accept what it is he thinks but don't let it change what you know.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
When you get married two things happen.
1) You gather up friends, family and loved ones and profess your undying love for each other, exchange vows, symbolic rings, promise to forever and ever, amen. A wonderful thing, happy moment, and a day you will never forget. All good stuff, right?
2) You both sign a marriage license* that becomes ratified when the presiding official, (priest, pastor, JoP) signs it. There by forever involving the laws of the state, (you live in) in your marriage and unfortunately, dissolution or divorce if it comes down to that.
Try to remove the symbolism from a piece of paper because that's all it is. (Or at least it helped me to view it that way) Hope that you never have to use it to enforce the agreement and try try try to process these feelings and painful emotions in a healthy way.
*one of the many minor details that is hardly given much thought to, other than you need to have one.
1) You gather up friends, family and loved ones and profess your undying love for each other, exchange vows, symbolic rings, promise to forever and ever, amen. A wonderful thing, happy moment, and a day you will never forget. All good stuff, right?
2) You both sign a marriage license* that becomes ratified when the presiding official, (priest, pastor, JoP) signs it. There by forever involving the laws of the state, (you live in) in your marriage and unfortunately, dissolution or divorce if it comes down to that.
Try to remove the symbolism from a piece of paper because that's all it is. (Or at least it helped me to view it that way) Hope that you never have to use it to enforce the agreement and try try try to process these feelings and painful emotions in a healthy way.
*one of the many minor details that is hardly given much thought to, other than you need to have one.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
(((SS))) I'm sorry that you're hurting hon, but I think it is necessary and brave of you to keep one foot ahead of the other here 
. You are doing what is right for you, your children and your peace of mind! When I divorced XAH, I felt I HAD to or that he and I would never find our way. We had been running the same circle for far too long and I refused to have us both waste our time and energy in doing so for the rest of our lives. Life is too short SS.
. You are doing what is right for you, your children and your peace of mind! When I divorced XAH, I felt I HAD to or that he and I would never find our way. We had been running the same circle for far too long and I refused to have us both waste our time and energy in doing so for the rest of our lives. Life is too short SS.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
man mega, you pinned that right. The circles we've run....I believe we're worthy of claiming a dozon marathons. I think I've run them fast too. I bet I ran a 5 minute mile the whole way and circles have me dizzy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I know that I'm looking at this wrong....
However, I also know that you are all right. He feels and says what he does because he wants to blame me and not accept that his addiction is what brought us here. I know that - again, my logical side arguing with my emotional side - which tends to happen alot.
I agree as well that he's never going to see things from my point of view - on many many things - just as I am not going to see things from his side. This has been becoming more and more obvious lately. Which keeps me strong in doing what I'm doing.
And sunshine, as always, you always seem to really relate to what I'm saying and going through:
I have bent and continued to bend, trying to give him every out and opportunity to do right. I've tried to look at it in so many different ways, swaying between taking way too much blame, to denial and minimizing things, just anything so I could keep things as they were.
Crazy the hoops we've jumped through. It certainly isn't returned and we have to accept it. You have to accept what it is he thinks but don't let it change what you know.
Crazy the hoops we've jumped through. It certainly isn't returned and we have to accept it. You have to accept what it is he thinks but don't let it change what you know.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I'm sad right along with you SS!
One of the hardest parts for me has been the "what all I've done" and it isn't returned. It's hard to accept. It's hard to admit that he expects me to love him in ways he isn't capable of loving me....even though he thinks he does. And, it isn't his fault I did so much, it's mine. It's a jumbled mess and as soon as you untangle it all and it makes sense and you make progress, if you look at it for too long, you can get confused again.
I know in my heart, I did all I could with the best of intentions. I tried everything possible to keep my marriage in tact.....the thing is, it has to go both ways to work.
It's all so hard to accept.
One of the hardest parts for me has been the "what all I've done" and it isn't returned. It's hard to accept. It's hard to admit that he expects me to love him in ways he isn't capable of loving me....even though he thinks he does. And, it isn't his fault I did so much, it's mine. It's a jumbled mess and as soon as you untangle it all and it makes sense and you make progress, if you look at it for too long, you can get confused again.
I know in my heart, I did all I could with the best of intentions. I tried everything possible to keep my marriage in tact.....the thing is, it has to go both ways to work.
It's all so hard to accept.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
