Ayers1995

Yesterday evening, I came home from work AH was in a 'mood'...snapping and being ugly. I ignored it and dealt with the boys. A bit later I went outside to let them ride bikes.

He came outside and said he was going to the store for some stuff for work today.

I sat outside visiting with my neighbor (woman) for about an hour and a half (who'd single). I came inside and AH was moping around the house, walking into whatever room I was in and just looking at me. I could tell he'd been drinking. He followed me into the laundry room... oh let me back up. While outside...he kept sending me text messages asking if I was in love w/him. (ick) I did not respond....

So he followed me into the laundry room and tells me that 4 three nights in a row he's had bad dreams that I left him when his turnaround is over. (Those who aren't sure what a turnaround is...it's a job that they try to hurry up and get done during a short pd of time in the plants. He has one coming up and he will make ALOT of money) I just looked at him and said that's stupid and kept putting laundry in to wash. He got mad and went to bed and passed out.

Did I handle this correctly? Should I have said.... YES... I FECKN A WILL!

Just wondering????

Jazzman

Not sure for your situation but I certainly ignored a lot of quacking in a similar manner. I never called her names, looking at her and not responding at all was more my style. I have no idea if I handled my situation correctly TBH.

When I was at the point you are now, I was just so tired of the quacking a blank look was all the energy I could muster at the time.

elizabeth1979

I freqnetly responded with blank stares also.

Oh.
Just, oh...worked well for me to most any of his drunk diatribes about anything.

Or I would say something like, D- this is not soimething I want to discuss right now and walk away.

Oh works well, bc most of the time they are looking for a response and a resposne of Oh says your are listening but not engaging!

I think you did fine!

megamysterioso

Towards the end of my marriage, I would either say nothing at all or respond with "ok" or something of that nature. Just like Sarah said, it was enough of a response to not tick him off, but at the same time, I was not dancing his dance.

It sucks that you are living this way at the moment. Those text messages and things would drive me nuts! You did good considering those circumstances.

minnie

I think you did great.

One thing that helped me was something I saw on SuperNanny. Jo Frost said "If you give in after 2 hours, the only lesson you have taught your child is to hold on for 2 hours." Same applied with my ex - if I gave him a different response than "I don't want to talk about it" in an emotionless voice, then he would see it as progress.

sunshine003

my ah would constantly talk about his "bad dreams". I started replying with things I had read about alcoholism. "Your bad dreams are due to your alcoholism." If he said he had terrible anxiety, I'd say, "Your anxiety is due to your alcoholism." If he said he was irritable I'd say, "that's because of your alcoholism." If he had terrible reflux I'd say, "your reflux is due to your alcoholism." He'd look all confused, sometimes get defensive but it sure as heck stopped him from talking, LOL. See, he didn't want to acknowledge his problem, LOL.

I read all about why he has bad dreams, anxiety, irritability, reflux, gastrointestinal problems, etc in Under the Influence. he knew I read that book so sometimes I'd just say, "if you'd read that book, you'd understand why this is happening to you."

That way, I wasn't accepting any part in his stuff. I gave it back to him.

But "oh" works great too.

I think you did wonderful. Now, just don't start feeling bad thinking you're being cold.

minnie

It works brilliantly, in my experience.

Jazzman

I had a strange sense of amusement/vindication reading that. Thanks!

lostnotfound

I liked that one. my AH has been on medication for reflux for several years now. Hmmm..... He also complains of bad dreams and anxiety, but he blames most of it on his job ( or me LOL).

sunshine003

lostnfound, my husband always blamed his dreams on me. Once I read that book, I stopped feeling bad for his dreams. You should read it.

Jazz, I kinda giggle thinking about how I'd say that but it really worked. He'd roll his eyes and walk away.

hey, I should have used it when he'd try his "I love you more that anyone in this whole world. You're wrong about me, " stuff, LOL. "You only think that due to your alcoholism." maybe it would have shut him up, LOL

denny57

Yep, that book cleared a lot of things up for me, too. All the same symptoms.

Jazzman

M had a laundry list of alcohol abuse symptoms, many of the same and more as well. I would occasionally "hint" at what was her problem was but not quite "matter of fact" style. Good one!

Oh yeah I forgot, another good response I heard (from a pro) to quacking was simply... Fascinating! (Said with enthusiasm, and nothing more)

minnie

I like "Hmm" as well.

Or "why do you think that's happening?" in response to "my stomach hurts" or "my leg hurts" or whatever, although only if I was bored.

lostnotfound

I like that one two.

My reading list is getting longer and longer!

sunshine003

fascinating is too funny. I'm gonna keep that in my archives. If I ever get the opportunity to use it, I"m all over that one, LMAO.

alright, I'm having too much fun here and I don't think that's the way it's supposed to be but hey, a little sick humor is good for anyone at times.

Lostnfound, if you haven't read the book under the influence, it's a great read. you could also just say something like, "if you read this book, you'd understand why this is happening to you."

The thing that baffles me is this. When I read books on codependancy, I got a sorta weird feeling about myself. There I was, reading about myself in a text book. It was all right in front of me. I could no longer deny my issues and problems or the fact that I had to do something about it.

My ah seems to think he's so unique, so beyond anyone understanding his issues/his pain, etc. If he'd just learn about his disease, he'd see he's not exactly as unique as he thinks.

lostnotfound

I just ordered the book from Amazon.

Ditto on the unique AH.

Jazzman

Good book.
You order that on the joint credit card?

LOL!!!

sorry, funky mood today

elizabeth1979

I just want to say that in my experience, reminding or telling the person whose drinking is affecting you, that they are an alchoholic can backfire.

For me, in my experience..asking D to read any book on recovery or dirnking for any reason, was not my place. His drinking was a problem for me. Period. My nagging was a problem for him. Period.

Erring on the side of caution..it was never my place to tell anyone what their problems were.

If they dont think they have a problem with alcohol

sunshine003

I agree Sarah. I'd never suggest my ah get help or admit anything or quit drinking. I would say *I* no longer wanted to be around him while he was drinking and my reasons were my own, he didn't have to agree. However, he knew he had a problem. At least he'd say things like, "I obviously have a problem." or "I know I have a terrible problem and I'm trying to do something about it." all just quacking of course. So when he'd complain of things or try to blame me for something, such as his horrible dreams, I would just let him know there is a reason for them, I however, am not it.

You see, I did share with him the fact that I read that book. I told him I learned all about his reflux, his dreams, his anxiety and how common of a problem it is amoung alcoholics. He was interested but not interested enough to read it himself. But as sure as he'd show an interest, he's also turn around and slip back into denial as if he never admitted he had a problem.

I wasn't in denial anymore. I am not responsible for any of his alcoholic issues. I would not engage in his blame. I also wasn't going to deny it anymore. He calls himself an alcoholic....especially when he's trying to get out of trouble.

Pick-a-name

"Really?!!" or "Is that right?!" was my usual fare..or sometimes "I didn't know that!"

"Under the Influence" was so very helpful to me,too. I need to re-read it again. With the progression of the disease and it's symptoms, I find it helpful.