bugsx2

I returned from a 2 week trip and while I was gone my AH began individual treatment. He has been going to group treatment for a month now. Why is he going, because it is court mandated after he pushed me up against the wall by the neck and I called 911. He is now depressed and a lost soul. I want my marriage to work but don't know how to get beyond his depression. Am I just stupid to want to stay? Any suggestions????? Stories????

robina

Alcohol causes depression among many alcoholics. The combination of alcholism and depression can be frightening and dangerous.

Are you interested in finding a way to fix or cure him, or are you here because the pain of living with an alcoholic is too great?

Are you attending Al-anon?

bugsx2

I do go to al-anon and have found it to be great in helping me be strong when I need to be. But it has not made the unknown any easier to grasp. I know I should let go and let god but sometimes this is hard for me. Because of all his treatment he has become very depressed and is telling me he does not know if he wants to be with me but he can't make any decisions at this moment because he doesn't know who he is and where he belongs. I understand this because I have been through depression myself just not with all the addictive problems. I know it is hard to love anything if you can't love yourself first and this is where he is now. In my heart I want to stick it out until he discovers himself. I want to be there for him through this trying time because that is the kind of person I am. I know it is important to try this because we have 11 years together 6 married and have twin girls that deserve for this to work. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings of anger and depression and hold down the fort and my marriage! I guess I am looking for some advice, strength and some courage so I can stick it out until he decides he has found himself and we come to a genuine and thoughtful decision about our future.

robina

It's good you are going to Al-anon.

It sounds like he is saying that he is not fully committed to the marriage, and you are feeling and anxious and angry about that... If I am misunderstanding the situation, please let me know, OK.

You speak a lot about him, but personally, I'd like to hear more about your feelings, your experiences and your responses.

I'm guessing it must be frightening to have two small kids at home, and to be feeling like you must put your life on hold until the alcoholic comes to some sort of decision. (I'm finding it hard to say much more until I find out a bit more about your situation)

Love, Robina

Please keep posting - there will be lots more advice and feedback soon, I'm sure..

best

After such an action, I would put things on hold and he should seek counseling for his anger.
Depression and being a lost soul... Part of that can be guilt and fear. Knowing that he messed up and fear of what could be. He will get over it. His issue to deal with and it can be a part of his growth towards doing what is right.
Priority for you is to remain safe. Boundaries in place and held to are a must.
His actions....over time... will guide you in your choices.
His words don't matter at this point...His actions need be what you listen to....over time, not just a day or a few weeks worth. Counseling, in my opinion is a must.

denny57

Hi bugsx2

No, you're not stupid! My only suggestion would be to keep the focus on you. If you enjoy Al-Anon, maybe try to up your meetings for awhile. It sounds like your AH has a lot to work through himself and you don't know what he will decide in the end. It was important for me to learn how not to plan my life on someone else's decisions. It isn't easy, but each day I understand more what that means.

Please keep posting. Lots of wisdom to be found here. ((()))

minnie

You don't know how to get beyond his depression? I think I would find it hard to get beyond my husband pushing me up against the wall by the neck, tbh. But each to their own......

Have you tried some counselling? Or as the others have said, concentrating on al-anon?

bugsx2

Thanks for the response. My AH is in anger classes, group therepy and individual as well as marriage counciling. We have been going to counciling for almost a year and it has been a roller coaster ride. 1 year ago he told me he did not love me and then 3-4 months later came to the conclusion that he was making a big mistake but here we are again. I am in so much pain because I don't know how to deal with my feelings of anger, guilt, and hurt. I want to hit, scream, figth but all I can do is cry. I feel like I am abandoning his feelings and focusing on how I feel. I should be here to support him but it is the other way right now. I cry, he comforts. He's angry, I yell back instead of consoling him. He is angry with me and wants to leave because I wasn't there for him when he was arrested. He doesn't want me to help him through his healing process because of this anger towards me. I can't turn back time and I won't take back my actions because my intincts were correct but I wish he understood my pain of having to take that action. To see him taken out of our home in handcuffs is not a vision I want but I have. I am trying very hard to keep the focus on me and to try to deal with this in the best way possible but right now I just feel lost. I fear I am going to go back into my depression and anxiety. I can't to this because of the kids. I need to be strong for them. Yes, I know, me too. One moment I am wanting to hold on to everything and other times I don't know if I can just wait around for him to get better and make a decision. My fear is if I let him go too soon it might be the wrong choice. I feel he deserves the right to get better before we make a choice. I know he loves me. It's just a matter of when he will discover it.

ICU

I've learned, the hard way, that when a love interest says they are not sure they still love or want to be with me anymore, that I should listen. All the going back and forth, trying this, trying that doesn't do a darn thing but prolong and deepen the pain. JMO!

denny57

This is danger territory. Especially when you say this:

He is angry with me and wants to leave because I wasn't there for him when he was arrested. He doesn't want me to help him through his healing process because of this anger towards me.


I can't help anyone else through their healing process anymore than they can help me. And I realized my helping was really my needing.

Jazzman

Denny raises a very good point about danger territory. Or maybe fantasy territory? Here, read this again...
And this might help too...

The longer you attempt to hold your H from his bottom, the more crushed you will get.

best

You can't fix him. He needs deal with his own issues.
The best support I know of that can be given..respect.

Respect the fact that it is his issue to deal with and only he can fix himself.

Visualize this...
You are holding his issues in your own hands.
As you look into his eyes you say... because I love and respect you, I am handing you your issues to deal with because only you can find solutions for them yourself and with that, you take what is in your hands and pass them into his hands. Only he can find solutions for himself.

cmc

This is serious to me not only for your safety but your children as well. When in doubt, I don't make a decision unless it is an immediate issue of safety. If my husband did that to me, I would not make one move towards that relationship until some good amount of time had passed. Counseling is a must for you both, but only the two of you can decide to follow what you learn there- again the time factor will prove where things stand in reality.
IMO
Have you had any help re the domestic violence? If not, I recommend it and please read the stickys on this subject as well. I can't recall if the sticky on that is on this forum- you can take a look and see.
Stay safe and keep your kids safe too- that is your responsibility now. Sorry if that seems harsh.

bugsx2

It's not so much that I want to solve his problems as it is me wanting to be there to comfort him through the difficult stuff. I know that I need to get past the hurt and anger but how???

robina

Dear Bugs -

You are having a hard time getting past the hurt and anger because when we live with, and love an alcoholic, we lose a part of ourselves to the disease.

Right now, your entire world is his disease. You probably obsess about him 24-7, you probably set your own needs aside to "comfort him", (or maybe you have become so numb from dealing with this that it's hard for you to even acknowledge your own needs..), You likely feel angry that his actions are destroying your life, but at the same time, you feel the need to be there for him. (I'm only guessing about this, and if I am off-base, let me know)

I can tell you from experience that there is a way out of the state of chaos and pain you are currently feeling, but it will require a lot of work from you. Finding a tough sponsor in Al-anon (someone who kicked my butt until I worked my steps, especially step 4) and working the steps lifted me out of that terrible state of anger, rage and depression I felt just one year ago. The alcoholic in my life still drinks, but most of my days are filled with the serenity that Al-anon promises.

That serenity can be yours too.

Love, Robina

bugsx2

Okay,more hurt tonight when he said he was on his way home and was going to stop and pick up a nice dinner for us. Called him later and found him to be out with "friends". I hate not knowing who his friends are. He then said he was eating with them. I asked him to come home and eat and he sounded a little ticked but said he would because he was not totally honest with me from the beginning. He says he has been conditioned to not tell me the truth. We went through this same behavior a year ago during a sober period and he found that I was compasionate towards his needs if he respected my simple rule of let me know what was going on. I just hope he has not had any drinks tonight considering he has promised himself no alcohol until he understands him and it.