sunshine003

About who I am and I feel as if I'm finding out. I am all the things I've always felt I was but I'm also a lot more. I"m growing more and more in touch with my feelings and learning how to feel them and give them a voice.

I am also growing more and more close to looking at the truth as I see it. I'm not so scared of that anymore and it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

I also realize I do not really know my ah and who he is. I may never meet him and I'm okay with that. I've grown to accept him as a liar and an alcoholic. I've grown to accept the fact that I don't believe in anything he says. I've stopped trying to fight that reality. There are people in life you trust and those you don't. You stay away from those you don't, from people who hurt you deeply.

For so long I tried to prove to him why I didn't believe him. It was such an endless fight. I've given it up. I don't even have to voice, "I don't believe you." I simply just don't. It's a choice and I choose not to.

megamysterioso

Wow Sunshine!! You really sound soooo good!!! I'm so happy for you that you were finally able to get away from his madness and all of the chaos and heartache he brought into your life. It is YOUR choice- either believe or not, deal with it or not. You chose wisely my dear.

denny57

Sounds great, sunshine. It's been a slow, steady progress for me, but I have learned so much about myself through all this. Realizing all the choices I have - even to simply not believe someone without explanation - has been a great gift.

sunshine003

It sure is a great gift Denny. For one, it gives me back my independance. I can have my own opinion based on the reality I'm presented. If I decide that isn't good for me, I walk away for my own sanity. I do not have to stick around dishonest people. I prefer to know what I'm getting. It is growing at it's finiest.

The one thing I do struggle with is moving. I plan on moving to the state my ex husband lives. My reasons are as follows.....First, my children miss him and I know they need him to be an active role in their lives. Second, I really need the help, four kids is a lot of work and I can admit, it's too much for me at times. Third, I really don't see any other choice, LOL. I have been a stay at home mom since the birth of my first child, over nine years ago. I need some time/help to becoming independant. Independant meaning, support myself/children completely.
I also know that even though my ex and I are over, we are still family. I know he'd do anything to help me. His reasons for that are because he loves his children and I am their mother.

With all that said, those seem like pretty valid reasons. They are real reasons and they are mature reasons.

But I hate the thought of living up north. My ex lives where he is from and his life long friends don't exactly have a warm fuzzy feeling about me and I know this. I'm fine with that as I can understand it. But it's certainly not so much fun facing people you know have negative thoughts/opinions of you.

So I keep telling myself my reasons for not wanting to go don't outweigh the reasons I should go.

megamysterioso

I understand your reservations completely Sunshine!! I think that the reasons you listed are very smart ones. Your children will be happy and things will be "easier" on you as far as the help you will receive. You will make NEW friends all your own and to heck with what those others think. You know the truth of the matter and that is all that matters. They've never had to live your life sweetie!

PaperDolls

Sunshine - I am so happy for you. I feel as though I've been trying to figure out who I am and what I'm doing for my entire life. I've yet to figure it out. I'm curious what helped you "see the light".

It sounds like you are in a great place and I am so proud of you.

Love,
doll

minnie

Way to go, Sunshine!!!

Maybe those friends of your ex just need to get to know the "new" you?

sunshine003

You know what really helped paperdolls? Finally believing myself. I remember so many times (and this is just an example, it applies to lots in my life, ah stories just stick out more, lol) KNOWING deep in my heart that what I was thinking wasn't crap but ah was always telling me it was. He'd be out all night, I'd catch him in countless lies and hear rumors of his cheating but because he said he didn't, my opinion/thoughts no longer mattered. Well, they do matter. My instincts were correct, I doubted myself for all the wrong reasons.

Once I stopped doubting myself, once I started caring about my hurts and my feelings, I started figuring out who I was.

denny57

I think your plus reasons are worth it, too. Are you saying you want to be back in your ex's life completely? If not, I wouldn't worry about his friends, either. You'll make new ones I'm sure. If you can handle it, and it isn't a step back for you, I'm guessing it would be great for your kids to be near their dad.

I know what you mean about living up north. That translates into cold and snow for me and, though I grew up that way, I don't think I'd like moving back to it. Treat yourself to new snow gear :-).

pmaslan

All valid reasons to move North. Heck you don't need to be friends
with your ex's friends...as long as the two of you get on well that is
all that counts....wow you're kids are going to be so happy being
near their dad again...all positive plans.....

sunshine003

Thanks everyone, feeling better about moving after ya'lls input already.

Denny, I'm not going to be back in his life as in us getting back together, no way. But we have remained in each others lives and we have remained friends. He is probably the one person in my life who I believe has my best interests at heart. He is trust worthy and reliable. We are friends and we are parents to three children. He'd do anything to be near his kids again. He will be moving in with a friend of his who lives a few miles from his house. The kids and I will be moving into his house. He lives in a four bedroom house on 2 acres. He said he can't have his kids living in an apartment and himself living in that house.....so he's moving out so we can move in. He knows I'll be living there while I get on my feet and he doesn't care how long it takes.

Yes, to heck with all his friends. They are "his" friends afterall and I will make my own. Until then, I have ya'll, LOL.

Jazzman

Just curious, and feel free to tell me to MYOB, but why did he agree to you moving the kids out of state to begin with?

sunshine003

He didn't exactly. He is an officer in the military. During our marriage, we moved all around but I am from FL and he is "from" maryland. We were stationed in FL in the end of our marriage/divorce. He had to move and at the time, he had about four choices....maryland being one of them. He felt so alone I believe he thought it would be nice to be close to his friends at long last. So, he moved.

He's been in maryland for near two years now.

sunshine003

and I'd never tell you to MYOB jazz, LOL. I believe all of you here have my best interest at heart as well.

sunshine003

oh and in those four choices, FL was not one of them....so he had to move somewhere. He couldn't get out of the military because he owes them some time due to them sending him to graduate school. Also, he had 16 years in at that time....now he's at 18....would be pretty silly of him to get out and not retire at 20.

denny57

sunshine - just so i'm straight on this - is this your first husband you're talking about?

Jazzman

Ah... say no more. One of my best buddys missed 18 years of his daughters life becasue of getting a divorce while active military, his ex was active military as well. He had no chance.

Well hey! Maryland isn't so bad. There's a hole lot more MORE "up north" you could go! LOL!! But I know what you mean, I live to far "up north" if you ask me... well when winter hits that is...

sunshine003

yes denny, he is my first husband. He fathered my first three children.

ah (current husband) and I share one child.

minnie

Hey, sunshine! That means I can see you when I next pop over the Pond to do some shopping!! Or when we sail in, given that I bought my Dad a book which shows all the places to go on the Chesapeake. I think he might have taken the hint.

Sounds like your ex is a good guy. The world needs as many of those as possible - just like our very own Jazz.

denny57

ok, that's what i finally figured out LOL. i remember you speaking very highly of him in the past.