Advice needed: Brother-in-law addict...

Old 07-30-2006, 09:44 AM
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Advice needed: Brother-in-law addict...

I've known my brother in law was an alcoholic for some time--it took a little longer for my husband to admit it, but he sees it now.

(due to the detailed description of the post I may be deleting it after I get advice)

Background: Brother-in-law (BIL) married 5 years, 2 young kids

Short version: BIL stripped down in front of us to his underwear and made a pass at me. We were both really wierded-out by it--it happened so fast--and he had been drinking. We left right after.

My husbands first plan: Confronting BIL about his behavior toward me as unacceptable.

There are a lot of problems here, and my husband especially, is very worried about him and his family. They bought a house on a whim not to long ago, and next spring their 2-year interest only loan is "up" and they will need to re-finance or get another loan I guess. They have 10k in last years property tax they have not paid. They are bairly affording their mortgage "interest only" payments. They have BAD credit, and terrible spending habits. BIL stripped the inside of the house down to the studs as soon as they bought it--with the intension of putting in the "best" of everything and opening up the layout of the house. He is in construction, so he does know what he's doing (at least in the construction aspect of it). It is a year and a half later and they are still living in one room of the house with two young kids. It is obvious he is under lots of stress--which I can only imagine will get worse over the next several months.

He drinks almost every time we get together with him. The incident of him stripping down is the first time I've seen him like that or that I ever felt he was coming on to me. We know, and he has admitted he uses alcohol every night when coming home from work.

I could probably give lots more info, but I guess that is not necessary.

What do we do from here? Or specifically what can my husband do? He is already planning on confronting him about the incident. Do we get all the family members involved that are close to my BIL?

It's not "super severe" right now to our knowledge--will he or other family members take it seriously enough? I guess it might be necessary for him to hit a "bottom" but we hope it doesn't come to that. We know he WILL lose the house if things keep going the way they are, and with all the stress, his alcoholism will escalate.

Advice would be VERY helpful.

Thanks
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Old 07-30-2006, 09:49 AM
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Hi, Welcome to Sober Recovery.

I don't think interventions are a silver bullet - but I do think they can help, if the alcoholic/addict is at a point where they are ready to get sober.

Life does interventions ... job losses, divorces, lost relationships, lost homes. Each of us has our own "bottom" - and what is TERRIBLE for me, may not be more than a blip on the radar to someone else.

That said, perhaps an intervention - with a counselor with training in interventions - could help. But it would involve his wife, his family and friends who love him and some strong, firm boundaries (not threats - real boundaries). If you and the other family members aren't ready to set those, then the intervention might be a waste of time.

I wish you the best.
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Old 07-30-2006, 09:57 AM
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(((CA))) Welcome to SR and I'm glad you found us. If you've been reading around on this board at all, you have probably seen the 3 Cs used:

You did not CAUSE it
You cannot CONTROL it
You cannot CURE it

Your BIL's behavior with you has no doubt "crossed the line" IMO. I would have your husband privately confront him about it and just let him know that a) the behavior was unacceptable, b) it offended YOU and c) it will not be tolerated. This may open up a dialogue about your BIL's addiction, but do not expect that this will "make him fly straight" in any way shape or form. It is true that the addict must find his or her own bottom or they will not stop. I understand your concern about your sister or SIL and the 2 children, but what is SHE doing to take care of herself and her children? It is her that needs to figure out how she is going to cope with all this.

Also, if you feel uncomfortable enough with the situation that just happened, you may want to set a boundary with him. This boundary could be something such as: "we will not come and visit you if you are drunk or if you drink in while we are there." If you do make a boundary though, please follow through with it or it will be just as empty of a promise as the alcoholic makes.
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Old 07-30-2006, 09:58 AM
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CAbayarea : Welcome to SR.glad you found us!

Good advice from BigSis. To get an idea about interventions, may I suggest: http://www.lovefirst.net.

Best of luck to you all. I have yet to have any of my AH's problems seriously.......they assume or want to that it is me and the kids that "make" him. Still.......it is AH who has to choose.
Stick around; this is a great place for imput and support for you and your husband,despite what your BIL decides.

p.s. Don't forget about your SIL and the kids. They need support. Maybe you could point her here or AlAnon (or both).
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Old 07-30-2006, 12:13 PM
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Welcome to SR,
Mega quoted the 3 c's , might I add the 3 c's are meant for everyone connected to the alcoholic. Parents, childern, brothers, sisters, friend, etc.

Sometimes the A's have blackouts, meaning they act and look like they know what they are doing, yet they may never ever remember it. Some things are blacked out forever.

I say this so if your hubby mentions it to him, he might acuse you or hubby of lying or makeing it up, Not every drinker has blackouts, always some exceptions, but many do. Just something to watch for.

In my opinion intervention is very hard, have to have everyone on board, they all have to swear to stand by what they say, also best to have a professional intervention councelor help with it.

Take what you can use and leave the rest, and keep coming back, so much to learn about addiction.
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Old 07-30-2006, 12:33 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR.

Lots of good advice already given. I was struck by your statement that it is not "super severe" right now. It's a good example of how boundaries keep getting pushed outward during enabling. Imagine hearing the story outside our own family that someone had gotten drunk, stripped to his skivvies and made a pass at his SIL in front of his brother/her husband. I always made excuses for AH's behaviors and convinced myself for years they were not severe.

I hope you'll stick around and keep posting. Lots of wisdom to be found. Good luck.
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