So Confused

OK This forum has helped more than you can imagine. It has truly helped me see the light on "Letting Go" I read something the other day about setting boundries. If you set it your actions should match your words. This made perfect sense to me. I am trying to work out a realtionship with a man who has 10 years og sobriety. When I tried to let him know I had to have me and my life for he will hyperfocus in on something evenyually. And yet again there I will stand. His complaint he agrees just do not hang out with other men. At first I felt controlled. BUt after I though I know the healthy thing to do is to be in a relationship is to live like I in one. Not to show up with a bunch of guys like I am single. He however, questioned what my boundries were. What had I set he asked. I explained I do not want you to control me you cannot chain me. He said that is not setting boundries. What is your stand? Perhaps I have misunderstood the term or phrase. I understand I must have my own life but I guess I am trying to have like I am not in a relationship and in turn making trusting even harder. I suppose at this point I think I might actually have gotten it. This is going to take alot of patience and prayer. Yet, somehow I think I finally understand his point about me hanging out with other men. BY no means is me out hooking up with these people I just get along better with men for whatever reason. It seems now however, that I must make a choice to be in a relationship and live my life as though I have made a committment. So I suppose my question to all of this is any comments on your take of "Setting Boundries" or I have I completly missed the point and talked myself beck into an unhealthy situation????

ASpouse

He's right. What you stated is too broad in nature and leaves way too much room for interpretation by someone else.

What you consider controlling and "chaining you" may not be what he considers controlling you and keeping you chained. If you set your boundaries in this fashion, you are setting any relationship you are in to fail miserably and you will continue the insanity yourself.

You need to be specific.

For example "If you do this it will make me feel __________(fill in the blank), so when you do __________, I will do ________.

A boundary has to be tangible, something that is not subject to interpretation to the person you are giving the boundary to. It needs to be clear, it needs to be calm and it needs to be understood by both people. He obviously does not understand your boundaries.

Sorry soConfused, but he is right on this one.

DesertEyes

Hey there confused,

The _purpose_ of a boundary is to protect yourself from harm. At the same time, your partner also needs to protect _himself_ from harm, so the result is you have to find a balance that works for both of you.

You mention "hanging out with other men" as one of his boundaries. You understand exactly what he means, and you understand that what _he_ needs is for you to act in a more "committed" manner. He has said what specific behavior hurts him, the "hanging out with other men", and you understand what behaviors you need to make in order to meet his needs of safety and security.

In turn, you can tell him what _behaviors_ you find harmful. You didn't mention any in your post so you'll have to spend a little time with _you_ and figure those out. I don't know if you go to real life meets or have a sponsor, but asking other people in the program what _their_ boundaries is a great way to figure out your own. It's what I did when I first started figuring out all this stuff.

So I think you've got the point of boundaries real good, you just need a little practice at it

Mike

elizabeth1979

Hes right about thats not setting boundries..chaining. Im not sure that his asking you to set boundries is really his side of the street, so to speak.
Maybe Im misinterpreting...

ASpouse

You raise a good point Sarah, I never thought of it that way.

Grasshopper

in any relationship there is give and take.You say that he said that he doesnt want for you to hang out with other men.
Would you want him to hang out with alot of women?If not,there is one of your boundaires.
You say that you dont want to be controled or chained?
No one can control me without my very own permission.However if i have attitude when a loved one asks me things,i may want to look into this attitude,the root and causes of it,of why my thinking automatically,comes to the point,that,im feeling, another is trying to control me.,chain me down.
If a loved one is actually trying to control me,[telling me what to wear,where to shop,how my hair should be done,etc,,etc,,},i say no,That i will make these decisions for myself}and,If they continue,trying ,to control,my whole world,then,i take their power away,and contiue on as i believe.

So Confused

thanks for all of your responses God bless
SC