Live

I just feel disgust when I hear pity parties, too, Ngaire, rather than dialogue, real discussion, problem solving.
It's a real downer.
And it is a way for them not to own any responsibility.

I don't know if I would cut someone off permanently for being cursed at like that, but I do know that I do temporarily. And if/when conversation is resumed I expect respect, and often receive an apology. This is when I re-state my boundaries.

You have such a good head on your shoulders, I know you will do what is best.

hugs,
live

CatsTail

Thanks Live,

I feel right now I don't want any conversation just to not hear a pity party. I don't know but it's become clear to me how the pity party is really about not wanting to take responsibility for anything.

I'm going about my business and loading up on A.A meetings for the time being.

It's his, he can own it.

Ngaire

CatsTail

The other thing is I'm working on changing the things I can and one of the things is not be the one to call all the time.

Maybe I'm wrong but I think calling is a way of enabling.

Ngaire

CatsTail

One thing I'm appreciating is I know 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt that there isn't a thing I could do to help him, that he doesn't want to hear a word I have to say about anything and that there is everything I can do to help me.

That's new for me because usually I'd be thinking well if only I said this, or I should've said that, or if I said this. And I'd be in a panic thinking well I've got to say those things and he'll understand then.

Nope, don't even have the desire for a dialogue at this point in time.

I'm not coming home and checking the phone to see who called which is a big switch for me. And I'm really trying to take it a step at a time and give myself a break with it all.

Ngaire

Jazzman

Breaks are good. Once I learned that I both have the right AND ability to give myself a break, that was half the battle.

Live

oh heck Ngaire, is there really anybody who "gets it all" the first time? I think it is natural to kind of re-work things, understanding and getting stronger all the time. It took us a long time to develop the patterns we have, some programmed from childhood.

I won't call anyone who might upset me, not because I am strong, but because I am vulnerable, so I protect myself.

Maybe those things you feel like you need or want to say could be vented safely here? You can get it out of your system in a safe place and others' perspectives usually help me alot, I learn something from both those I agree with and those I don't. And sometimes it doesn't matter what anyone says, I just needed to get somethings off my mind.

I HATE the pity parties. It is a way of saying, poor me there isn't anything I can do about it. Feel sorry for me.
BS to that!

you will always be special to me, sorry I have missed your posts! I tend to hang out in mental health.
I will look out for your posts more often.

live/Tena

CatsTail

Here's another new behaviour; I just got an e-mail from him entitled "I'm crying now" . I deleted it. ANd I'm going to bed.

Ngaire