My life was saved by a pronoun
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Location: Starting over all over again
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My life was saved by a pronoun
When I first arrived in this wonderful little corner of the web I had just lost my wife to addiction, my business to the economy, my health to a genetic condition, and my hope to despair. I had been within seconds of taking my own life and was desperately searching for a reason to live.
Many people in these forums took the time to tell me their personal experience. They shared how _they_ had felt, what actions _they_ took and how _their_ lives had improved. It was those who told me how they had done it who made the difference in my life.
Now I have a happy little condo, lots of new friends, stumbling along in a new career, and am even making a fool of myself flirting with a charming young lady I'd like to date.
I learned a lesson, a long time ago, from an old man by the name of Chuck C. He told me that the way to find people in the program who were less sick than I, the people I should listen to and stay close to, was to count their pronouns. He told me that I should listen to them speak (this was in the days before the web) and count how many times they used the pronoun _I_ instead of any other pronoun. If those people said "I felt / learned / did / changed " then those people had a lesson for me to learn. He told me that those people who said "you should...", "he did...", "they need..." were not speaking from their personal experience, but were trying to force me to learn lessons that were not mine to learn.
Ever since I have focused on my own pronouns. I still catch myself using the other ones, but with every time I share I do better. I know I have the best of intentions, but every time I fail to use the "I" pronoun when sharing with another person in pain I end up making a mess of things.
Chuck C. gave me an excercise using cassete tapes. I'm going to try and modify that excercise for use on the web:
In order to improve my ability to reach out and help others when I share I am going to go back thru my posts on this forum and count how many times I used the "I" pronoun and shared _my_ experience, and how many times I failed to use the "I" pronoun and wound up telling other people what I thought they should do.
For those of you into the history of recovery, this concept of sharing only in the first person is based on research on group counseling and peer therapy, starting with Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers. It is a part of the "12 traditions"; indirectly thru Tradition two which says in part "... our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern..." and Tradition eleven which says in part "... Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion..." The 12 traditions were conceived before peer therapy took off in the 60's, but they managed to figure it out rather well for a bunch of amateurs.
Coments and opinions welcomed.
Mike
Many people in these forums took the time to tell me their personal experience. They shared how _they_ had felt, what actions _they_ took and how _their_ lives had improved. It was those who told me how they had done it who made the difference in my life.
Now I have a happy little condo, lots of new friends, stumbling along in a new career, and am even making a fool of myself flirting with a charming young lady I'd like to date.
I learned a lesson, a long time ago, from an old man by the name of Chuck C. He told me that the way to find people in the program who were less sick than I, the people I should listen to and stay close to, was to count their pronouns. He told me that I should listen to them speak (this was in the days before the web) and count how many times they used the pronoun _I_ instead of any other pronoun. If those people said "I felt / learned / did / changed " then those people had a lesson for me to learn. He told me that those people who said "you should...", "he did...", "they need..." were not speaking from their personal experience, but were trying to force me to learn lessons that were not mine to learn.
Ever since I have focused on my own pronouns. I still catch myself using the other ones, but with every time I share I do better. I know I have the best of intentions, but every time I fail to use the "I" pronoun when sharing with another person in pain I end up making a mess of things.
Chuck C. gave me an excercise using cassete tapes. I'm going to try and modify that excercise for use on the web:
In order to improve my ability to reach out and help others when I share I am going to go back thru my posts on this forum and count how many times I used the "I" pronoun and shared _my_ experience, and how many times I failed to use the "I" pronoun and wound up telling other people what I thought they should do.
For those of you into the history of recovery, this concept of sharing only in the first person is based on research on group counseling and peer therapy, starting with Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers. It is a part of the "12 traditions"; indirectly thru Tradition two which says in part "... our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern..." and Tradition eleven which says in part "... Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion..." The 12 traditions were conceived before peer therapy took off in the 60's, but they managed to figure it out rather well for a bunch of amateurs.
Coments and opinions welcomed.
Mike
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Thank you Mike.
What an important share that is.
There are times or subjects that "I" don't feel comfortable saying "I" know from personal experience. Then there are times that "I" need to tell my experiences because it is the only way "I" can transfer the message.
Seems that "I" am the only one who can transfer the message. Me and myself do ok but it can be seen very plainly that when "I" speaks, people listen.
When I say that I did this ....and this is what happened..... it would be tough for others to disprove the living facts that stand before them.
Worked for me...try it...you may like it.
What an important share that is.
There are times or subjects that "I" don't feel comfortable saying "I" know from personal experience. Then there are times that "I" need to tell my experiences because it is the only way "I" can transfer the message.
Seems that "I" am the only one who can transfer the message. Me and myself do ok but it can be seen very plainly that when "I" speaks, people listen.
When I say that I did this ....and this is what happened..... it would be tough for others to disprove the living facts that stand before them.
Worked for me...try it...you may like it.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Good post. I don't always succeed, but many times when I'm typing my responses I hit that backspace key and put it into an "I" share. I have become extremely aware of this since beginning the steps.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
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Thank you for this post Mike. I know I straddle both "I"s and "you's" and this is a good reminder.
I, too, remember learning about I and you statements a long time ago (back in my first marriage counselling which is like, uh, eons ago!). It does take practice, and I find it takes even more practice in talking than in writing. I suppose that's because I talk far faster than I write, often without inserting a necessary pause to reflect first.
I'd add one more thing that I know I am guilty of: the 'we' pronoun. It would do me some good to count how many times I use 'we' instead of 'I' in expressing my thoughts and feelings and in my posts here.
I didn't know about the origins of the i/you thinking -- I only ever knew of Maslow for his hierarchy of needs, and of course Rogers I think has always been accepted as the father of humanistic psychology (I guess with Maslow?). But hey, Mike, come to think of it, I'm not sure Rogers would in any way embrace a 'disease' model! (an old discussion!).
thanks
gf
I, too, remember learning about I and you statements a long time ago (back in my first marriage counselling which is like, uh, eons ago!). It does take practice, and I find it takes even more practice in talking than in writing. I suppose that's because I talk far faster than I write, often without inserting a necessary pause to reflect first.
I'd add one more thing that I know I am guilty of: the 'we' pronoun. It would do me some good to count how many times I use 'we' instead of 'I' in expressing my thoughts and feelings and in my posts here.
I didn't know about the origins of the i/you thinking -- I only ever knew of Maslow for his hierarchy of needs, and of course Rogers I think has always been accepted as the father of humanistic psychology (I guess with Maslow?). But hey, Mike, come to think of it, I'm not sure Rogers would in any way embrace a 'disease' model! (an old discussion!).
thanks
gf
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
A short description of "I" statements summarizing a chapter in a book published last year called "Bridges Not Walls: A Book About Interpersonal Communication".
Use of I-Statements
I-statements can be contrasted to you-statements. Consider the difference between saying, "I feel as if I'm not being understood," and "You aren't really listening to me." The authors describe I-statements as statements that "disclose our experience without attacking others, invalidating their feelings, or criticizing them for not meeting our needs or conforming to our point of view."
You-statements tend to be perceived as intrusive, blaming, or attacking. They are manipulative or coercive, in that they seek to change the other person's behavior. Such statements often provoke a defensive reaction, which typically takes the form of either a hostile counter-attack, or withdrawal from the conversation. Hostile retorts tend to escalate the destructive communication cycle, and promote mistrust. Withdrawing tends to suppress needs and feelings, which can then erupt with greater force in later communication.
I-statements on the other hand can halt this defensive and hostile escalation process. Expressing one's own feelings and needs tends to evoke trust and sensitivity on the part of the other. Such self-expression is non- manipulative. This then creates the space for the parties to explore the "unacknowledged feelings, meanings and unmet needs that are at the source of the difficulties." Thus, self-expression, by providing an opportunity for better understanding, is also empowering. The authors acknowledge that "a basic assumption behind self-revealing expressiveness is that if people see who we really are, how we really feel, and what we really need, they will tend to respond to us in an accommodating manner."
The Power of Vulnerability
Such self-revelation does entail vulnerability. However the authors argue that vulnerability can be powerful, in at least two ways. First, they observe that "responding from a confident center within our vulnerable inner world reflects a special kind of inner strength." Conversely, being forceful and aggressive often masks deeper insecurities. Second, self-expression leads to more effective communication and understanding, which in turn fosters greater trust and intimacy. It can cause the other party to change their behavior by their own choice, whereas a more coercive approach would simply provoke defensiveness and distancing.
Finally, self-revealing communication has transformative potential. In the larger picture, the authors point out that "personal growth is largely a function of our capacity to be with these feelings [of fear, sadness, anger, hurt, shame, isolation and desire] in an accepting, sensitive manner." When we practice self-revealing expressiveness we are developing just such a capacity in ourselves, and are encouraging it in our partner also.
Use of I-Statements
I-statements can be contrasted to you-statements. Consider the difference between saying, "I feel as if I'm not being understood," and "You aren't really listening to me." The authors describe I-statements as statements that "disclose our experience without attacking others, invalidating their feelings, or criticizing them for not meeting our needs or conforming to our point of view."
You-statements tend to be perceived as intrusive, blaming, or attacking. They are manipulative or coercive, in that they seek to change the other person's behavior. Such statements often provoke a defensive reaction, which typically takes the form of either a hostile counter-attack, or withdrawal from the conversation. Hostile retorts tend to escalate the destructive communication cycle, and promote mistrust. Withdrawing tends to suppress needs and feelings, which can then erupt with greater force in later communication.
I-statements on the other hand can halt this defensive and hostile escalation process. Expressing one's own feelings and needs tends to evoke trust and sensitivity on the part of the other. Such self-expression is non- manipulative. This then creates the space for the parties to explore the "unacknowledged feelings, meanings and unmet needs that are at the source of the difficulties." Thus, self-expression, by providing an opportunity for better understanding, is also empowering. The authors acknowledge that "a basic assumption behind self-revealing expressiveness is that if people see who we really are, how we really feel, and what we really need, they will tend to respond to us in an accommodating manner."
The Power of Vulnerability
Such self-revelation does entail vulnerability. However the authors argue that vulnerability can be powerful, in at least two ways. First, they observe that "responding from a confident center within our vulnerable inner world reflects a special kind of inner strength." Conversely, being forceful and aggressive often masks deeper insecurities. Second, self-expression leads to more effective communication and understanding, which in turn fosters greater trust and intimacy. It can cause the other party to change their behavior by their own choice, whereas a more coercive approach would simply provoke defensiveness and distancing.
Finally, self-revealing communication has transformative potential. In the larger picture, the authors point out that "personal growth is largely a function of our capacity to be with these feelings [of fear, sadness, anger, hurt, shame, isolation and desire] in an accepting, sensitive manner." When we practice self-revealing expressiveness we are developing just such a capacity in ourselves, and are encouraging it in our partner also.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Good post Mike.
I have to admit, I've had some trouble with the 'I' thing. I've always felt that by saying "I" I was making it all about me. Like I was being self-centered and selfish! Example: someone tells me about an issue or problem they are having....if I start sharing about my related experience, it felt as though I was stealing their thunder, or, not addressing their specific problem. For when the tables were turned and people did that to me, I felt they didn't care and just wanted to focus on their issues. It can be confusing at times...at least it is for me, or rather I, or is it me..hmmm.....
I have to admit, I've had some trouble with the 'I' thing. I've always felt that by saying "I" I was making it all about me. Like I was being self-centered and selfish! Example: someone tells me about an issue or problem they are having....if I start sharing about my related experience, it felt as though I was stealing their thunder, or, not addressing their specific problem. For when the tables were turned and people did that to me, I felt they didn't care and just wanted to focus on their issues. It can be confusing at times...at least it is for me, or rather I, or is it me..hmmm.....
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
Great post, Mike, and so true.
I try to use the pronoun "I" in my job (third grade teacher), especially when a child is having a problem behaving. I will say "I" would really like you to stop ....., or "I" get upset when ............ . This seems to work better than "You" are being............. . Sometimes, nothing seems to work, but the "I" approach keeps the blame away from the child.
Carol
I try to use the pronoun "I" in my job (third grade teacher), especially when a child is having a problem behaving. I will say "I" would really like you to stop ....., or "I" get upset when ............ . This seems to work better than "You" are being............. . Sometimes, nothing seems to work, but the "I" approach keeps the blame away from the child.
Carol
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Great post D-Eyes!!!
When i first heard that it was wiser to speak only in termes of --i---i actually thought it funny.I couldnt for the life of me understand why this was so important.Reading any material,the writter will use the word-you,,alot.So,i didnt know what all the fuss was about.Until---one day when i was sharring,another started to say,you,you feel, this,you this, that,your hub,is this,,,i finally understood,what the fuss was about...lol.Oh,yes i got it!!!How offensive,and funny at times,another telling me how im thinking and feeling when they are way of base.Telling,me about my hub,when they dont even know him.Yup i got it.Use that word--i---And am very,very careful today on using that word---i..Validating another first,and then,sharring,my es*hope.Asking first,to another,, did or do you --want--me to share a similar experience ive had,and the solutions ive found?.Cause sometimes the best help i can give,is to--listen----
I also have felt like ICU,when im sharring,using the word---i..Feeling that maybe another thinks that im taking over,their issue.That i havent heard them,and just sharring about me,me,me.But when i ask them if they want me to share,all is clear,on how i may be helpful .They understand that im not going to be talking about them,but only in termes of myself.
When i first heard that it was wiser to speak only in termes of --i---i actually thought it funny.I couldnt for the life of me understand why this was so important.Reading any material,the writter will use the word-you,,alot.So,i didnt know what all the fuss was about.Until---one day when i was sharring,another started to say,you,you feel, this,you this, that,your hub,is this,,,i finally understood,what the fuss was about...lol.Oh,yes i got it!!!How offensive,and funny at times,another telling me how im thinking and feeling when they are way of base.Telling,me about my hub,when they dont even know him.Yup i got it.Use that word--i---And am very,very careful today on using that word---i..Validating another first,and then,sharring,my es*hope.Asking first,to another,, did or do you --want--me to share a similar experience ive had,and the solutions ive found?.Cause sometimes the best help i can give,is to--listen----
I also have felt like ICU,when im sharring,using the word---i..Feeling that maybe another thinks that im taking over,their issue.That i havent heard them,and just sharring about me,me,me.But when i ask them if they want me to share,all is clear,on how i may be helpful .They understand that im not going to be talking about them,but only in termes of myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Another take on "I" statements.
When I first started counselling in my late teens/early 20s, the counsellor picked up immediately on the fact that I never said "I experienced this and it scares me to death". For instance, I wouldn't say "I was swarmed by wasps and now am so scared of anything wasp-like that I'll freeze and stop breathing". Instead, I would say "If you're swarmed by wasps, you become afraid of them".
It was a way of distancing myself from ..well..myself. If I took ownership of what I was feeling, it was that much harder for me to deal with. I wasn't ready or capable of accepting what I needed to accept, especially in a theraputic session where things can get pretty touchy.
The point to this post, I suppose, is to say there are two kinds of 'I' statements:
1. The most common is to say "you're doing this to me", not "I feel this way"
2. Lesser common, but equally important, is to discuss yourself and your feelings in 'you' statements rather than owning what you're feeling. I used the 'you' pronoun so that I didn't have to say "I'm hurt, confused, depressed, feeling rotten about my life, and I don't know why and I don't know what to do". By using "you", I could keep all that at bay, continue to put on my happy face and pretend everything was alright, and not face the things I needed to face the most.
I still catch myself (mostly in a theraputic setting) using 'you' when I really mean 'I'.
When I first started counselling in my late teens/early 20s, the counsellor picked up immediately on the fact that I never said "I experienced this and it scares me to death". For instance, I wouldn't say "I was swarmed by wasps and now am so scared of anything wasp-like that I'll freeze and stop breathing". Instead, I would say "If you're swarmed by wasps, you become afraid of them".
It was a way of distancing myself from ..well..myself. If I took ownership of what I was feeling, it was that much harder for me to deal with. I wasn't ready or capable of accepting what I needed to accept, especially in a theraputic session where things can get pretty touchy.
The point to this post, I suppose, is to say there are two kinds of 'I' statements:
1. The most common is to say "you're doing this to me", not "I feel this way"
2. Lesser common, but equally important, is to discuss yourself and your feelings in 'you' statements rather than owning what you're feeling. I used the 'you' pronoun so that I didn't have to say "I'm hurt, confused, depressed, feeling rotten about my life, and I don't know why and I don't know what to do". By using "you", I could keep all that at bay, continue to put on my happy face and pretend everything was alright, and not face the things I needed to face the most.
I still catch myself (mostly in a theraputic setting) using 'you' when I really mean 'I'.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
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Thanks, Ginger. I've experienced this in counseling with Mr. Big... I now have a better understanding of why he referrs to himself in the second person... or other person... or whatever the heck "you" is.
One counselor tried to get Mr. Big and I to speak about feelings... I remember her admonishing us sternly... Start from your point of view, followed by a feeling and do NOT use the word "that"...so you do not say, "I feel that you are a b*tch". ... which we all knew was where Mr. Big was heading with his thinking at the time.
I-statements are great for sharing experience, but actually stating a feeling after the word "feel" is something I find even more difficult. I feel hurt, I feel lonely, I feel joyous!
One counselor tried to get Mr. Big and I to speak about feelings... I remember her admonishing us sternly... Start from your point of view, followed by a feeling and do NOT use the word "that"...so you do not say, "I feel that you are a b*tch". ... which we all knew was where Mr. Big was heading with his thinking at the time.
I-statements are great for sharing experience, but actually stating a feeling after the word "feel" is something I find even more difficult. I feel hurt, I feel lonely, I feel joyous!
One brief hour...
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What a great reminder Mike and Chuck C. gave you a real nugget of wisdom when he shared that information with you. I am so happy that your life has taken such a turn for the better. It is always inspirational to hear how others have fought their way to happiness, hope and freedom from despair.
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Great topic.
I found it really hard to share from "I" when I started here and at al-anon. I would do the "you" think that Ginger talks about - I would never own my feelings because I didn't know how. And many times I have had edited my posts here because there were too many "you"s or not enough "I"s for my liking, but it has got easier as time goes by.
To me, speaking from the "I" (the heart) makes for more genuine connections with people.
I found it really hard to share from "I" when I started here and at al-anon. I would do the "you" think that Ginger talks about - I would never own my feelings because I didn't know how. And many times I have had edited my posts here because there were too many "you"s or not enough "I"s for my liking, but it has got easier as time goes by.
To me, speaking from the "I" (the heart) makes for more genuine connections with people.
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Originally Posted by GettingFree
... But hey, Mike, come to think of it, I'm not sure Rogers would in any way embrace a 'disease' model! (an old discussion!)....
thanx for that quote from "Bridges Not Walls", excellent material.
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Originally Posted by ICU
...I've always felt that by saying "I" I was making it all about me. Like I was being self-centered and selfish! Example: someone tells me about an issue or problem they are having....if I start sharing about my related experience, it felt as though I was stealing their thunder, or, not addressing their specific problem....
That's why the 12 step programs spend so much time on the subject of "rigorous honesty" as opposed to "cash-register honesty". It's easy for me to be honest about external, material things, but when it comes to honesty about the _true_ motives behind my actions it takes a bit more effort.
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Great comments everybody. Mega thanx for the awesome compliment
Mike
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
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I don't always succeed, but many times when I'm typing my responses I hit that backspace key and put it into an "I" share. I have become extremely aware of this since beginning the steps.
I can really relate to ICU also though. I used to feel self serving when I used the word I. I thought I was peace keeping, inlcuding everyone, and being non abrasive by saying we.
Im glad to be growing!
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