anamaria

I left this thread on the newcomers forum, but thought this forum may be helpful to my situation.

I am writing b/c I don't know what to do and need advice really bad. I am worried about my husband's drinking. I'm not really sure where to begin. He doesn't drink all the time...but within the past 6 months when he drinks, he REALLY drinks...especially when it's liquor. He started a new job about 6 months ago and it's definitely more responsiblity and demands. I can think of 4 occasions where he drank so much that his breathing was very labored was rambling about his childhood (not about his parents, about situations he got into) and he was very aggressive. One occasion he said he snuck out to his truck to drink, b/c if I saw him in the house, he knew I'd be upset. The last 2 times I caught him doing cocaine which I've never seen him do.
I am sick with worry and when I talk to him he says he doesn't have a problem, the cocaine is just recreational. His biggest excuse is that his drinking is not a problem b/c
1. He's never had a problem at work,
2. He's never hit me (or our kids)
3. He's never hurt anyone driving
4. etc,etc,etc.etc.

It's going to take something REALLY bad to make him realize his problem.
I'm worried about his health, how he changes when he uses.

I really need advice on what to do. He WON"T accept that he needs help (of course). Anyone, please give some advice...

JessicaNAJ

My biggest advice.....take care of you. You can't help him. I learned that the hard way...and I'm still learning.

denny57

Welcome, anamaria, glad you are here

Jessica is right - start focusing on you. Read everything you can about the disease of alcoholism, read the stickys at the top of this forum and keep posting - you'll get plenty of good advice.

What I did to concentrate on me: Al-Anon, therapy, lots of reading and open AA meetings. The more I learned about addiction, the more I understood my life, where it was head, and what I could do to change it.

I'm sorry you are going through. It was scary for me, but I found when I reached out I was not alone. You have taken an important step in reaching out.

Sundays are slow here, so tomorrow you'll probably get more answers. Please keep posting.

anamaria

thank you so much for your response..
I just want to help him so bad. My husband is a successful loving man...maye with a lot of past problems I may not know about...I hate to let him kill himself with what I see as a beginning to a slow corruption. WE have a 2 and a 1 year old and I don't want to see them lose their Daddy. Quite frankly, I don't want to lose my husband. However, with his stubborness, I can't make him realize what he's doing. Especially that the cocaine is JUST recreational.. What's hard is that we live out of the country it's hard to just walk away. I'm afraid what will happen to him.

He says he's frustrated with our marriage b/c we don't have enough adult time since we are busy with our little ones. I feel like it's my fault that I don't schedule enough time away at night etc. But on the other hand, Would it really make a difference.

Mr. Christian

Hello,
nope cant blame yourself for one thing. Later you will learn more.
The cocaine is used to bring him up from his drinking down, so he can drink more.
An old trick I have been a part of in the club industry.

Your little ones and the life they now give you are a thing he has trouble facing Im sure, and with that he has trouble handling the fact that he has the task of them and a family.

With that said I lived with the drinking and that very same drug with my wife, it can only get worse.

There, I'm very open on this because of what I have lived through and lost.

Alanon is a great start, and your little ones are the gems you must think of.


Christian

anamaria

I'm so scared to what this is all going to lead to. I"m new to learning about alcoholism and I keep hearing it's so progressive and it will get worse.
Christian, what made you realize what was happening? What was going wrong.

denny57

anamaria, i had another thought on your post. the things you list above - add a "yet" at the end of each one. i learned about this in al-anon and by attending open AA meetings. this is a technique alcoholics use to convince themselves they don't have a problem. it's more denial and evasion.

take care.

anamaria

I know, I just don't want it to get to that point.

anamaria

I should think of my kids first. We live in another country at the moment so it's hard to just pack up and leave and go back to the states. I wonder if we did would it solve anything? I am a stay at home Mom, too...

denny57

I understand; I didn't, either; but it did.

Someone asked me a good question pretty early on in my recovery - ok, what do you think you can say to him or do for him that you haven't done yet? I realized I truly had run out of all options except changing ME.

So what do you think you might not have tried yet? What words are you searching for to make him see it your way?

prodigal

What it is going to lead to is him spending more money and time on his "recreational" activities. According to him, he doesn't have a problem. Give it awhile. You and your kids, his boss, his job, his next-door neighbor, the fate of the universe, etc., will be to blame for his addictions.

My late aunt worked for the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) for over 30 years. She insisted she wasn't an alcoholic because she held a responsible job. Never mind that she took her three week's leave to go on a bender and get rip-roaring drunk the entire time, while ignoring her husband and two kids.

I know it is unfair for children to grow up without a father, but your's are quite young. They wouldn't miss their daddy. If he continues doing what he's doing your kids are going to grow up with an addict for a role model. Not a very appetizing thought, is it?

GettingFree

Prodigal -- Although I understand your intent here, I think this a misleading statement.

Children as young as 1 and 2 definitely experience the impact of losing a father in their life. While different than the experience of an older child, it is significant nonetheless. My youngest was 15 months when my first husband and I separated, and the impact not only on his leaving, but the subsequent adaptation to life with 2 parents living separately was huge. This is not to speak against separation in any way, but to speak to how critical it was for me to understand the impact on my children so I could respond to their needs in the best way after separation, rather than minimizing the impact.

Annamaria -- I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time now. You've gotten some good advice here and it will take time to sift through and figure out. Keep posting!

InLimbo

Hello Anamaria. When I first found this place I was exactly in your shoes. Our stories are very similar. The past few months have progrssivly gotten worse. The drinking is one thing and has always been bad but the cocain use is becoming more and more frequent. When hes so drunk and can hardly stand up the he goes for the coke (Ive heard him call it the equalizer...errr)
It takes him right out of his drunken stooper and keeps him drinking all night long. Its really a sad thing..
I have learned a lot coming here and reading. Reading books and educating yourself helps also. I have a long way to go and a lot more to learn but this place is the best start.
Keep reading and posting and most of all take care of yourself.

deax

Yep. Same thing my ex did.

Anamaria, when I think about my ex doing these things, it scares the hell out of me. I still worry all the time that the next time will be too many. I'm surprised he isn't dead by now sometimes with all the crap he's done in his life, for the past 25 years. And since I'm not in contact with him at the moment, and no one else in his family speaks to him on a daily basis if at all, sometimes I get terrible thoughts and even want to block my number and call him just to see if he answers, so I know he's alive! That's how bad my worrying can get sometimes, so I undertsand completely how you feel.

But I think in time you'll come to see that nothing you say or do will make him accept that he has a problem if he doesn't believe it- and even if he does accept it, no one can make him put effort into attaining a sober lifestyle in a meaningful way. Not until he wants it. And, also from my experience: in time he may TELL you he wants to get better, he may beg for your support and for another chance in getting sober and he may sound very convincing-- and he may even mean it when he says it! But reluctantly I learned that I had to listen to what he did, not what he said. Because everything he said always sounded perfect- yet he was always going back to using, and I was always miserable.

They told me in Al-Anon once, most of our worst fears never come true. And even if they do, our worrying won't prevent them from happening. So why spend all our time worrying? No, IMO you can never turn OFF the worry switch when you love someone. But you can learn to take things one day at a time, and to turn your worry over to God. Trust that God knows who you are, and what you're going through, and that you will get everything you need-- maybe not when you want it, but in God's time. Learn the best ways of dealing with your husband that will NOT enable him- which I did without even realizing it.

I feel for you. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

elizabeth1979

I suppose, but instead of worrying all the time and having it RUN my life, when I sought recovery, I found that I worried less and trusted God more.

Constant worry is bad for my health and doesnt help me be the best person I can be.

As for you feeling like
Sometimes its best to let the consequences of their actions, be theirs. That's not letting him kill himself, its letting yourself off the hook for his choices. Let yourself live!

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR and please continue to read and learn about the cycle of addiction. Your behaviors or words will not make any difference as to whether or not he will use. He is an addict and that is what they do. It is NOT your fault and you have NO control over HIS actions.

Please put the focus on you and Sarah is right-- the best thing that you can do for him is to step out of the way and let him fall on his own. When I enabled my XAH for so long, it did nothing other than provide him with a safety net for his unacceptable behavior and make me crazy in the process. No one can hit bottom when they have a safety net. Because I love myself and I loved him, I let him go. It may sound "harsh" and unrealistic, but that is the truth of the matter. Best of luck to you.

pmaslan

I just wanted to Welcome you to SR.
As you are new to this whole thing I am not going to bombard
you with anything at this point. Others have given you lots
of their experience with their loved ones addictions. As you
continue to read here you will see that it is progressive...
you will rarely read ..."oh he isn't drinking too much and has cut
way back on the coke use and life is good..." doesn't happen that way.
As you can see from my member information I have been here for
awhile and have contributed a lot of my own experiences and thoughts
via my posts. I never wanted my ex fiancee to lose himself to his
addiction either.....but it really is out of our hands.....

Cynay

I just wanted to add my Welcome to SR along with the others.

Im sorry your going through this and it sounds like you have your hands full with the little ones as well. Keep reading, posting and learning, I look forward to getting to know you better.

Mr. Christian

Hi,

Sorry it took so long to get back with you.
I really did not notice or maybe never really looked at the party life we were leading too hard till it was too late.

We were together 9 years but the last 3 I think were like hell.
It got to the stages of not being able to stop. More booze, cocaine and strange behavior that spiraled to the downfall of marriage, life and love.

There were nights I would wake up to hear the razor blade cutting the cocaine after a 3 day binge. I pulled her in from a window of a speeding car, took knives out of her hands and mend her wounds when she would ram her head through the bedroom walls.

Yes I saw it all and more, there are signs, just see them now and not later like I did.


Christian