jazpoppy

Hi;

My name is Jocelyn and I'm and addict. I also have a boyfriend who is an alcoholic. In fact the last 3 people I've dated (over a span of 4 years) have in fact had substance abuse problems. I am living with my current boyfriend, and I love him dearly, but I cannot deal with his moods. I'm an addict in recovery and because I am so new at recovery, he is putting a lot of stress on me. He wants me to be PERFECT, he criticizes EVERYTHING I do wrong. Even if its as simple as moving an object a little out of place, he says I cannot comprehend anything, he says he doesn't know how I can be so dumb and still do my job (I work with computers), he says that I'm a mental case also. He flips out if I don't hear him (I have some deafness in my right ear, so its hard for me to hear from a distance or with background noise), he flips out if I ask a "stupid" question or repeat something he has asked me to do just to verify it. He makes mean comments when I ask him to verify something he asked me to do like: "Duh, you know where I keep my wallet" or "&#$(@Q, that's what I asked, just do it!" It hurts my feelings deeply and lowers my self-esteem. I know everyone will probably tell me to leave him, but when times are good, they're really great! I want this to work, but I think he needs to kick the alcohol, and his moods might get better if he got some counceling and some anti-depressants. I want to give him a chance at a better life for himself so that we can get married and grow old together! He says he's going to quit drinking, but it hasn't happened yet.

Here's a story: He was going into work drunk or severly hung-over a lot, he isn't doing that anymore, but one time (before I got clean/sober) I drank 1 beer at lunchtime on a work-day (I come home for lunch), and he NOTICED that 1 beer missing and gave me HELL for drinking at lunchtime! He told me that he doesn't want to be with an irresponsible child like me that drinks and goes to work, he thinks they'll smell it and fire me! I tried explaining that I was giving up a serious narcotics addiction, and that 1 beer really just helped to calm my nerves, AND in the employee handbook, it says that 1 alcoholic beverage can be consumed at lunchtime (as long as you're not intoxicated). I was FAR from intoxicated, it just relaxed me so that I could "get on" with my day without thinking so much about using narcotics! Sorry I just had to vent! I haven't told anyone else about this.

So what do you think? Should I just dump him? I don't think I can. Should I try to encourage him to go to meetings with me, he said he would go once in a while, but hasn't yet. I really want him to come to meetings with me and get back into "recovery" thinking instead of tainted alcoholic thinking!

Thanks;

Love

Jocelyn

jackson123

Get away as fast as you can. Have you tried counseling?

Good Luck.

Jazzman

Hey jazpoppy. One thought comes to my mind. If my recovery is threatened by another, I would remove that person from my life.

deax

I can't understand why you'd want to be with someone who is so mean to you. Then again, others can't understand why I was with my bf either, so who's to say.

I probably don't have anything super helpful to say. But you sound intelligent and caring, and you accomplished SO MUCH in your own recovery from drugs... For now, make your first priority just not allowing him or his behavior put you at risk to lose that!

As far as his antidepressants go, do you even know if he actually needs them, or what the basis of his mood swings are? Or are you just looking for something that could be a quick-fix that might make him treat you better?

I tried that too. Didn't work for me.

jazpoppy

I would like to thank everyone who has posted here. You know I believe you are all correct, I should get him out of my life ASAP. I just don't understand why its so hard, but then again, I was with someone who was financially abusive (with-held money and could not keep a job, expected me to support him), jealous and controlling and it took me 10 years to leave him! Now I see a pattern. This time its much worse. This person think that I'm crazy and I don't know how to take care of myself. But then again, he can be very loving and helpful! Its driving me crazy!!! I sometimes feel I should be high on drugs because it was much easier to "block out" the insulting criticism when I was high or drunk. But I know that's not the answer. This will take me a bit of time to move on, and be by myself again. I'm also an ACOA, and a Co-Dependant, so in some ways I do feel like I can't make it on my own. I'm going to pray for courage. Thanks again.

Love

Jaz

Cynay

Congrads to you on your recovery... how long have you been working your program.

I would not tell you to stay or go, I might suggest though that you get counceling and maybe go to Al-anon as well. You do deserve to be treated better and one thing I always have to asks is.... Can you accept the him just as he is today? Because you cant change him and anothe thing is ... People treat us exactally how we let them. We teach people how to treat us.

You said that you see a pattern in the guys you date.....It does not sound like you are happy with the way any of them have treated you ... That would lead me to ask why. Maybe you need to take the focus off him and put it on you to figure out why you would accept the unacceptable. Start digging deep inside of yourself and figure out why you dont think your worth more.

You cant change him, you cant make him treat you well, you cant make him stop drinking.... All you can do is work on yourself.

jazpoppy

Cynay;

Thanks, I do realize the importance of opening my own eyes. He blames most everything on me and says that I'm crazy and need to go to treatment (psyc. treatment). I have cut myself in front of him before (i had a cutting problem), because he threatened to leave me or do something to my car, or try to have my son removed from my custody, so it drove me to thinking about suicide. So I know I have my own problems, but he isn't much better off, he's said a lot of crazy things too. But we are going to try one more time, and if we fight again they way we were, he'll let me take the apartment and he'll leave. So I think that's fair. As I know I cannot change him and he cannot change me. I am getting counceling for my problems, he is not.

As for recovery time, I don't have much. All I really have is today right now, and I keep getting back up on the horse and riding as far as I can, but I take it one day at a time.

Thanks;

Love

Jaz