jen in me

Okay - I just did ages of searching because I really wasn't feeling ready to post this question.
From what I have read so far - on this site - I am getting that I need to detach myself from my husband's addictions and get my focus off of them. So I am thinking that means I will avoid getting angry and bitter.
How does that work when he comes home all trashed and wants my affection? How do you avoid the anger? I mean not getting angry feels like I'm saying, "It's okay that you're drunk."
I know I am probably saying all the wrong things right now...
I'm just trying to figure out how I'll even respond to him when I see him again. Nothing I have ever done has ever worked and now I see that I'm not supposed to figure out the next method to try on him.

Basically - it's not like we're going to be seperated tomorrow! Whatever happens will be quite a process. He's stubborn...I don't think he will let me go easily so how do I LIVE with him and function around him until I get my head straight?

And I think that I may even be off by asking this because it is another way he controls me. And I'm trying to keep things calm around here and all that. So help me change my thinking here. Hopefully what I'm asking makes sense!

cwohio

that's where boundaries come into play and i was not very good at setting those and communicating them. hopefully some others will share their ES&H with you on this subject jen.

denny57

hi jen

Just a quick response now as I have to sign off - but this would qualify as a boundary you can set. For example: I will not have sex with you if you have been drinking. I don't feel affectionate towards you when you're drunk.

Only you know if this is something you can say to him or not. But it definately falls under the boundary category.

megamysterioso

Yep- boundary is the first thing I thought of when I read your post. You need to be very clear with him in one of his sober moments that "x" and "y" and so on are your boundaries. Whatever you do though-- DO NOT deviate from your boundaries. In fact, do not even make one if you are uncertain if you can stick with it. If you set a boundary in place and allow yourself to break it, he will quickly learn that you do not mean what you say and nothing will change for you.

Letting go of the anger and resentment that I felt for my XAH came to pass when I truly understood that his drunkeness was not a personal assault unto me. It is simply WHO HE IS AS A HUMAN BEING. I let him own his own stuff and kept watch on my stuff (the only thing I had control over). Once I started tending to my own business and letting him tend to his, things got easier for us living under the same roof.

minnie

As the others have said, boundaries are the key here. It is OK to say "I don't want to have sex with you when you have been drinking". The most difficult part of all of that is his reaction, as I well know. Just remember, it is HIS reaction. Let him deal with it. Don't try and make it better. Don't try and explain - it is a perfectly reasonable statement in its own right. I found that repeating the same thing over and over again without deviating got the message through in the end.

Sex was always a difficult area for R and I. He used it to feel validated and it was the ultimate rejection when I said no. Tough. I will not let my body be used just so that someone else can perpetuate their fantasy that everything is OK.

This is a difficult process, hon. Keeping things calm may seem like a sensible goal at this point, but may not serve you best in the long run as it may contribute to the already unhealthy situation. Can you think of another goal that might work better?

Keep yourself safe.

Jazzman

I made drunk sex a "no thank you" boundary and I stuck with it. You have the right to refuse intimacy, suffering the fallout of that boundary is just another exercise in sticking to your boundaries in a non-confrontational way.