Really Bad Day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Really Bad Day
Today started off as usual...getting the two older kids off to school and breakfast made for the babies. Laundry, dishes, etc.
I heard something out front and looked out the window to see my husband parked in the driveway. I walked out and sure enough he was drinking again. My heart sank because I knew what was coming next. He was fired from his job. Thursday of last week he decided to lay out of work and drink. He went in Friday and his boss told him to take the day off and return today. He did and his boss fired him. He drove around all morning drinking which upset me so much after we just spent out the tailpipe getting his Drivers License back. My husband was diagnosed Bi-Polar about 3 months ago and has been taking medications for it. When he first started taking the medicine I could tell that he was different. For the last few months I can't tell if he's taking it or not. He keeps self medicating with alcohol. I guess what it boils down to is this...He uses the Bi-Polar as an excuse to drink himself into a stupor and then he wants me to make up excuses for him about losing his job. I told him this afternoon that I won't make up an excuse for him that I thought a little humiliation would suit him and probably help him. I feel like he should be held accountable for his own actions instead of blaming everyone else for his bad decisions. He always blames me! If I hadn't pissed him off or if only I hadn't told him to leave (I usually make him leave when he's drinking) he wouldn't be in this mess. I'm really at a loss for thoughts right now. Thanks for listening....
-2many2count
I heard something out front and looked out the window to see my husband parked in the driveway. I walked out and sure enough he was drinking again. My heart sank because I knew what was coming next. He was fired from his job. Thursday of last week he decided to lay out of work and drink. He went in Friday and his boss told him to take the day off and return today. He did and his boss fired him. He drove around all morning drinking which upset me so much after we just spent out the tailpipe getting his Drivers License back. My husband was diagnosed Bi-Polar about 3 months ago and has been taking medications for it. When he first started taking the medicine I could tell that he was different. For the last few months I can't tell if he's taking it or not. He keeps self medicating with alcohol. I guess what it boils down to is this...He uses the Bi-Polar as an excuse to drink himself into a stupor and then he wants me to make up excuses for him about losing his job. I told him this afternoon that I won't make up an excuse for him that I thought a little humiliation would suit him and probably help him. I feel like he should be held accountable for his own actions instead of blaming everyone else for his bad decisions. He always blames me! If I hadn't pissed him off or if only I hadn't told him to leave (I usually make him leave when he's drinking) he wouldn't be in this mess. I'm really at a loss for thoughts right now. Thanks for listening....
-2many2count
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Welcome 2many2count!!
I am so glad you found this special place! You will find a ton of advice and encouragement here. Please read the sticky's at the top of the Alanon board. There is alot of good info there.
NO, YOU are NOT to blame!!!!! He is responsible for his own actions, period. If he wants to drink then he will drink and it has nothing to do with what you said or did.
Keep coming back, we are here for you!!
Sending prayers your way,
matters
I am so glad you found this special place! You will find a ton of advice and encouragement here. Please read the sticky's at the top of the Alanon board. There is alot of good info there.
NO, YOU are NOT to blame!!!!! He is responsible for his own actions, period. If he wants to drink then he will drink and it has nothing to do with what you said or did.
Keep coming back, we are here for you!!
Sending prayers your way,
matters
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
He can blame you all he wants
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Addicts are blame shifters. It's part of their game. As long as they can't own up to their own actions, they will blame anyone who gets in their way. I'm sorry that the disappointment of this disease came to visit you yet again.
There is a lot of support and good advice here, keep coming back.
Peace,
Gabe
There is a lot of support and good advice here, keep coming back.
Peace,
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
hello 2many
sorry today was so awful
hope tomorrow will be better
sounds like you know this husband of
yours very well , his excuses his blames
and you have set some boundaries for
yourself. I hope you are also getting to
alanon meetings if not please try as the
f2f fellowship helped pull me out of the pit
I was in , the meetings were the only sane
serene parts of my life the rest was chaos.
Do this for you.
and keep coming back to this site its helped
me feel less alone in between.
love
liddy
sorry today was so awful
hope tomorrow will be better
sounds like you know this husband of
yours very well , his excuses his blames
and you have set some boundaries for
yourself. I hope you are also getting to
alanon meetings if not please try as the
f2f fellowship helped pull me out of the pit
I was in , the meetings were the only sane
serene parts of my life the rest was chaos.
Do this for you.
and keep coming back to this site its helped
me feel less alone in between.
love
liddy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Welcome, I am so glad that you found this site. There are many people here with great advice and we all understand!
The blame game is one that I have seen. Just know that we have no control over them or what they do. (no matter what they say) We can only control ourselves and the way that we react.
I am so sorry that you day was so bad, I hope that today will be brighter for you. Hold your chin up and keep coming back here. I have found lots of help and my sanity!
The blame game is one that I have seen. Just know that we have no control over them or what they do. (no matter what they say) We can only control ourselves and the way that we react.
I am so sorry that you day was so bad, I hope that today will be brighter for you. Hold your chin up and keep coming back here. I have found lots of help and my sanity!
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
I agree, you're doing the right thing! Best of all, you're not falling into the Enabler Trap by making excuses for him and trying to pick up the pieces of his mess for him.
I also hope you completely realize, like Gabe and Constant are saying, that the BLAME GAME is one of the favorites of alcoholics, because they really known deep down that they themselves are to blame, but they can't stand to own up to it. So instead they blame YOU. Once I realized this about my A, all the blame and accusations he threw at me had no effect. In fact, I soon found myself only absently paying attention to him, because once the blame was turned on, I tuned out ! Kind of funny, really.
Don't buy it, don't listen to it, and keep your perspective of good sense ( which it really sounds like you have a lot of!!)
His getting fired may end up being a blessing, and may make him that much more uncomfortable with the way he's living his life. Hang in there and don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back for the strength you've already shown.
Big hugs,
kate
I also hope you completely realize, like Gabe and Constant are saying, that the BLAME GAME is one of the favorites of alcoholics, because they really known deep down that they themselves are to blame, but they can't stand to own up to it. So instead they blame YOU. Once I realized this about my A, all the blame and accusations he threw at me had no effect. In fact, I soon found myself only absently paying attention to him, because once the blame was turned on, I tuned out ! Kind of funny, really.
Don't buy it, don't listen to it, and keep your perspective of good sense ( which it really sounds like you have a lot of!!)
His getting fired may end up being a blessing, and may make him that much more uncomfortable with the way he's living his life. Hang in there and don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back for the strength you've already shown.
Big hugs,
kate
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
The Blame Game
Again I was reminded of the games alcoholics play. There's the blame game, the "I'm the victim" game, the self-pity game, the "minimisation, justification and rationalisation" game. There's the "manipulation, hostage taking, control" game, there's the "indecision of whether I want to live or die" game, there's the "broken promise" game, there's the "merry-go-round of denial" game. There's the outsmarting game of getting alcohol, hiding alcohol and drinking on the sly, there's the "making them believe it's all their fault" game. There's also the "me" game, the "I am the centre of the universe" game, the expectation game. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you've got the picture. And just to crown it all there's the "I'll kill myself" game.
So how does this happen? How does one go from having everything to having nothing? Not even an iota of self-esteem or self-respect. How do you and those around you get to the point of exhaustion?
It happens if you are born with the predisposition of alcoholism. Of course we don't know that we are born this way. All we can be sure of is that if there is an addiction of any sort in our family and we pick up that first drink, we have a more than average chance of becoming an alcoholic. Unfortunate life events do not cause alcoholism, but they can speed up the process. This is a progressive disease, which shows signs of increased tolerance, loss of control, preoccupation and continuing despite the negative consequences.
Sadly we all start playing similar games, because alcoholism is a family sickness. Each family member is affected in a unique way. Some of the roles the family members take on are the enabler, he scapegoat, the lost child, the mascot and the hero.
So how does this happen? How does one go from having everything to having nothing? Not even an iota of self-esteem or self-respect. How do you and those around you get to the point of exhaustion?
It happens if you are born with the predisposition of alcoholism. Of course we don't know that we are born this way. All we can be sure of is that if there is an addiction of any sort in our family and we pick up that first drink, we have a more than average chance of becoming an alcoholic. Unfortunate life events do not cause alcoholism, but they can speed up the process. This is a progressive disease, which shows signs of increased tolerance, loss of control, preoccupation and continuing despite the negative consequences.
Sadly we all start playing similar games, because alcoholism is a family sickness. Each family member is affected in a unique way. Some of the roles the family members take on are the enabler, he scapegoat, the lost child, the mascot and the hero.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Thank you guys so much for your obvious words of wisdom. It's nice to know that I'm doing something right.
I'll keep posting.
PS : prettywoman you hit home with your post. thanks for helping me put it into perspective.
I'll keep posting.
PS : prettywoman you hit home with your post. thanks for helping me put it into perspective.
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