pmaslan

I like that statement Rita....very empowering.............and very true.

deax

Yeah... Must take a lot of practice to get good at this, lol.... And personally, I can always justify my over reacting, which makes it even harder. I'm sitting here reading and re-reading what you wrote because I'm trying to match a real-life experience with what you're saying, in an attempt to see how my own reactions are based on my own issues, not the other person.... But does anyone ever feel like all of this analyzing of our feelings and our motives takes some of our purity away? Like, if you say something that pisses me off, and my natural reaction is to respond angrily to it or tell you to **** off... is that ever ok? I'm not sure what I'm getting at or if I should say this but all of this self-control sometimes feels lonely, an isolated entity or something, or devoid of interaction with other people because you've gotten so emotionally self-sufficient or something.... Sorry, see- I'm mixed up again already. Sorry, nevermind me, but I'll post this anyway in case anyone has ever felt anything similar...

ASpouse

Not at all..... I find I have more friends and acquaintances ..... I can enjoy myself more, not always being on the defensive, not reacting to things that don't concern me.

I was much more isolated and devoid of interaction while living with an active alcoholic than I am now. Yikes, the difference is like night and day.

denny57

deax - i get angry when it's appropriate. i just learned not to direct it at an active alcoholic. it's pointless. that took me foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr to figure out, by the way.

deax

Well I guess I didn't mean LITERALLY separated from other people, but just getting to the point where you're able to be so unaffected by what others say or think about you. Does that make sense? I guess I'm trying to reconcile having a connection with another, and yet not needing their approval or understanding of who I am, thereby being mostly unaffected by their comments like Jazzman was saying...

deax

But you can extend a lot of this stuff to all people you deal with, right? Not just alcohlics. I can understand for the most part why it's useless to fight with them-- even if your suggestion to jeninme in another thread to say "ok thanks" in response to that text message was a hard one for me to envision doing, lol!

ASpouse

Yes, it makes sense, my apologies for taking it so literally. I think that as you recover in a program, there comes a natural balance, a place where you get comfortable.

Right now it is uncomfortable for you because it doesn't feel natural. You are trying to change a behavior or behaviors that you have lived with for many years. It's uncomfortable right now .... sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes or a great new pair of jeans. At first they are tight and unwieldy, after washing and wearing, they start to feel comfortable and like an old friend.

Once you really work at changing your behaviors, they will become comfortable and not provoke so much thought and analyzing on your part.

denny57

hi deax - in the distant past i wasn't the type to get angry very much anyway, but the last years i lived with AH i was getting angry at every little thing and every person who got in my path. applying the 12 steps to life with an alcoholic also helped me with other relationships. i suddenly realized i wasn't reacting with my old anger.

Jazzman

OK, so are we speaking in the context of communicating effectively with an active alcoholic in full blown “pick a fight” mode? Or just life in general?

My goal was to not bite on the hooks that my ex was SOOO good at putting out there for me. She knew all my buttons and was a pro at pushing them. If I don't bite, nothing ever escalates, she looses her ability to set me off, and I’m back in control of my reaction.

I don't usually go into "shields up" mode when I 'm yakin with my neighbor.. LOL!!! As it turns out I can practice examining my motives right here on SR ... a lot! LOL!!!

Cynay

I kinda look at it a different way.

In the past I would get SO angry, I would scream, cuss, lecture, and in those situations my actions/words will esculate and I will become out of control. It would usually end up that the person I was angry with would leave, which made me even more angry.... I usually would have said things in the meanest possible way or I would say things to hurt the other person as much as I was hurting.

After I calmed down I would have an "emotional hangover" sometimes lasting for days, The things that come out of my mouth can not be taken back so not only would I feel guilty, but I would have to make amends. I would have to walk on egg shells for the next week because my/their feelings were damaged and it would take along time for the other person to "trust" that I was not going to hurt them.

Today I do not react. Its not that I dont feel the same at times, or want to say the hurtful things... and when I do I call my sponsor and rant and rave to her. Its not that Im not being isolated from that person, its that Im showing my love and respect by not reacting.... waiting till Im calmer and can discuss what the issue is with respect. This also releaves me of all the guilt, emotional hangovers, eggshell walking, amends and just the plane old crummy feelings I have for loosing it.

Does that make sense?

deax

Yes, I was trying to extend it beyond the alcoholic I guess, trying to look at these ideas as changing myself beyond just how I relate to him. See, my bf never did the pick-a-fight thing and he was never mean and never said mean things to me. In fact, his MO was always saying that I was right, he's sorry, he knows it needs to stop and he needs help, etc. He never fought me on any of those points, so communicating with him was frustrating as hell and pointless, and my reactions to his decisions were still completely inappropriate, but I never had to shield myself so to speak.

Yes, this is a good place to practice, lol...