frustrated1

Sorry tihs is long. I haven't posted in months. Things had been going good. I have a 20 year old daughter who has had a drug and alcohol problem since she was 16. At 16 she was in the local adolecence substance abuse hospital for about 10 days. At 17 she was court ordered to an inpatient program. after 2 months there they kicked her out for anger issues they did not want to deal with. She was then court ordered to another facility about 2 hours away from where we live. She was there 6 months, we visited once a week every week. She came home having been clean for 8 months with no after care other then the court telling her to go to AA meetings. The court said she needed no aftercare. After 3 months we could see the relapse beginning. And so another cycle started. Now she was 18 and out of control with the drugs and alcohol. This time her drug of choice was cocaine along with weed and wiskey. Again the court said she should get into an outpatient program which she did although not staying clean. She had a very hard time with the adult program. although she was 19 her maturity level was still about 15-16. She was accepted into a adolecent facility which offered a very good program and they really worked with her. At one point they told us we needed to let her go and do some "street Research" This was very hard to do but we did it. after about 3 weeks she admitted herself into a residential adult facility. WE visited her 2 times a week, we are a very close family which makes this very difficult.. She came out with a very positive outlook. took 2 courses at the college had a part time job and did meetings every night. For her spring break she went down to New Orleans and worked with habitat for humanity for a week. She had so much fun she was going back for 5 weeks when school finished. After 1 week she drank, things were different down there and not much to do but the bars. Called after 1 week crying could we bring her home, we did. After that things went downhill. This past weekend she packed her suitcase and left home. She doesn't think a 20 year old should have a curfew and she wants to drink and we won't allow it.

When she is clean and sober she is so fantastic and caring. When she is using she is like an empty body. I know the right thing to do is to just let her go but as a mom it is the hardest thing to do. When she was home we were so close. She had no license so I drove her to school, work meetings whatever was necessary. She needs so much more than just help with the drugs, she has no self esteem, she says she doesn't know who she is, she doesn't like herself, she thinks she is fat and uguly and she has no real friends.

I am so scared for her and us. My husband is an over the road driver and is home for 4 or 5 days every 9 or 10 days. This is rough on him to.

any advise for the family would be appreciated. We are at our witts end!!!

equus

There's a book called:
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening (Paperback)
by Robert J. Meyers

It's about ways in which family can help. They use a method called CRAFT which is well evidenced in research.

I think the decision about whether helping or letting go is right for you has to lie with you. You need to stay well and have a life but if you definately want to know if you can help and how this would be a fine place to start.

Glad you're here!!

frustrated1

thanks for the advice when i go out today I'll pick up the book. I sure need all the help I can get

Cynay

Im soooo sorry you are going through this.

To be really honest I dont know what I would do if that were my daughter. Of course I would do everything I could to help her but then again my "helping" her could keep her from hitting bottom and really wanting to get the help...

I just wanted you to know Im thinking of you and can feel the pain your in... keep posting cuz your not alone.

equus

From what I've read about CRAFT it isn't the kind of help to prevent someone feeling consequences, it's more about being able to get the right messages across in a meaningful way and to support socially the time spent sober/getting help/being reflective etc - it's absolutely not about paying somebody's rent etc. Does that make sense?

equus

This is what the NIAAA (National Institute for Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse) say about it.
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...-2/116-121.pdf

Some quotes from the above:

robina

My 22 year old daughter is the alcoholic. In the past two years I have had to pick up the pieces after many of her alcohol induced near death experiences. I don't believe my daughter is anywhere near her bottom, because she continues to drink (currently she is going to AA, but she relapses every few weeks).

As a mother, this is heartbreaking. It goes against every bone in my body, every mother instinct, every caring impulse, and every memory of her as an innocent, loving child.

I don't believe mothers of addicts and alcoholics can survive the pain and grief of this without a lot of help and support. I have found some peace and serenity and coping abilities by attending Al-anon (sometimes as many as three nights a week!) and working my program.

My friends can see I am not the broken, desperate person I was last year. I thank my therapist, and lots of al-anon meetings, and SR for that!

You can find peace of mind and serenity, even if your daughter chooses to keep drinking. It's working for me, and it will work for you.

God bless