pmaslan

Loser Guys and the Women Who Love Them
Thu Jul 13, 12:05 PM ET


DEAR MARGO: Our 20-year-old daughter has been involved for two years with a young man who smokes, drinks too much, is controlling, quit school and can't hold down a job

He has no car, so our daughter has to do all the driving back from college to see him every weekend. In no way is he the kind of potential son-in-law we would have hoped for, but it is looking as though this boy may be in our daughter's life for a long time.

Because we have objected to her relationship with him from the beginning, we have very little contact with him. More than anything, we want to maintain a good relationship with our daughter, whom we love. We would never want her to have to choose between him and us -- we know we would lose.

How can we deal with the worry over her making a life-altering mistake if she marries him? Is it hypocritical for us to try to accept this loser in order to keep close to our daughter? Why would a girl from a nice family choose a boy with such different values than she grew up with? -- DISAPPOINTED, SAD AND WORRIED

DEAR DIS: You are wise to imagine that you'd be on the losing end if you made your daughter choose right now. Tolerate the creep to the best of your ability so that you can maintain some kind of relationship.

I suspect down the line she will tire of this man's negatives, because a jobless drinker, who is also controlling, will not wear very well. (Then try hard not to say, "We told you so.")

As for why she's made this choice, there could be a million answers. High on my list would be rebellion, Fixer-of-Broken Persons Syndrome and masochism. Let us hope she learns that women are not reform schools, and also that the jerk is only her starter husband. -- Margo, futuristically



Just curious to know what you thought of this columnists advice to
this mother.....not sure what newspaper hosts this persons advice

lostnotfound

It's funny you posted this because I just read it on *****. I want to tell the girl to run like the wind, but if her parents push her, she will only resist. The best medicine for her would be to let her spend a few hours reading posts in this forum before she commits to this man.

Jazzman

I read the same thing on ***** this am. Some lessons we can only learn for ourselves. The parents will only alienate her if they press the issue.

pmaslan

I thought the advice was a bit lame coming from a so called expert.

Jazzman

So lets hear yours?

equus

My advice would have been for the Mum to spend much less time telling her daughter and far more listening to her. If she can develop enough respect to hear her daughter's own reasons and LISTEN she may find she has a smaller problem to deal with.

The original letter/question seemed overly concerned with only her own perspective and point of view. Somehow it doesn't surprise me that the daughter may be something of a novice at self direction!!

pmaslan

I thought the advice was weak. She made it sound like it was a phase,
something she would grow out of...unfortunately, as we all know it
is something she could very well grow in to!!!
I wasn't sure what she meant about the jerk being her starter husband
either.......
Hey I am not the one people are reading daily in a newspaper....

Minx1969

starter marriage:

marriage that only lasts a few years but doesn't produce any children.

very common in the 20's and 30-something today.

pmaslan

starter marriage.....oh my.... does that suck!
I must be way out of the loop!

elizabeth1979

I read that this morning and laughed my arse off.
I think most of us know why I would laugh at the description of the boyfriend.
Maybe Margos daughter is dating Dan.

I agree with Jazz though. The parents will just become the enemy and she will draw closer to this prize of a man if they alienate her.

minnie

If my parents had said advised me to leave R at the point they wanted to and I had taken their advice, I would never have found SR, I would never have been on this wonderful emotional journey and I would never have met you guys (virtually and literally). I would not be the person I am today.

I think it was the only advice available. Apart from leaving a copy of Codependent No More around the house.

God grant me the serenity.....

mfisher

I have experienced this with my daughter. Thank god she saw the light.
It was very important to stay neutral and be there to listen and help her rationalize, in an objective way. Not an easy thing to do.
I was there in the end, not to tell her I told you so, but to congradulate her on her growth.
Grown children want acceptance, not judgement.
The last thing you want to do is close that door to communication and support. Just my opinon.

notsleepingwell

My daughter was marrying a loser, I jumped in helping her plan the wedding, bought the dress....thank God she saw the light....the wedding was called off.
Unfortunately...she found another loser, this one taught her how to shoot up...so that's why I'm here...
Think it has to do with self-esteem....not sure how to give it to one's child...

pmaslan

Oh Minnie.....if only everyone could find SR.......

denny57

I would suggest the parents make an effort to include him - invite him for bbq's, dinner, etc. They could be a positive influence on him. Or how he behaves with them could be eye opening for the daughter. Either way they'd "win."

Of course, he could just be a loser LOL!

Jazzman

Here's something I learned from some parenting counseling I once received on self-esteem. Not sure if this helps, but I did put this into practice while raising my children. Maybe it translates some what to this situation.

A very young enthusiastic child wants to help w/ dinner and offers to carry her very heavy and awkward plate full of spaghetti to her place at the dinner table, do you?

A) Worry so much that the child will drop the plate because the plate is too big for her to handle and insist that you do it for her?

The cost of that response is the childs self-esteem.

B) Allow her to, realizing that it might very well get dropped and make a big mess.

The WORST CASE cost of that response is you and the child clean it up together, but probably won’t have to. And if you did, it would only take a minute of your time, and your childs self-esteem is spared.

Five

Creep, loser, jerk. No wonder the kid is feeling rebellious with such self rightous weirdos like that around her. Perhaps the frantic moralists around her are the real problem. "But jenny, he is a loser..". sheesh.

All my friends where "losers", including my gf, and I loved every last one of them.

Perhaps if I had a daughter I would think the same, just looking at my own life, and if my mum had not let me go my own way with the losers then I would have missed out...on a lot. Being young is one of them.

Speaking of which anyone heard of the 12 Step Recovery schools?

Five

"Why would a girl from a nice family choose a boy with such different values than she grew up with? -- DISAPPOINTED, SAD AND WORRIED"

Maybe she just likes good old fashioned rock and roll.

TexasGirl

Not to derail here, but that statement intrigued me.
How does one end up without self direction? In other words, what "causes" that?
I think I have no self direction.
Again, not turning this into a ME thread, but can you just define that so I can see how it applies?

Five

I once thought my 'loser' friends were all SICK. But boy, you should have seen them make me laugh. I nearly wet myself on six million occasions. Sick they might have been, but not one person on earth has made me laugh like that since.